American Idol: When Sex Takes Center Stage

Money and sex are the top two struggles for married people.

Our culture shares our affinity for them, dangling them daily in our faces, like a luscious carrot in front of a hungry rabbit. The fact that we buy into the myth that more money and more sex will bring us happiness is perhaps even more concerning.

The media, advertising, internet accessibility, ignorance, denial, even the Church — we need not look far to find someone to blame. Whether we are just gullible or we lack self-control, it's not difficult to fall into trouble in either one of these areas.

I could be wrong, but there seems to be a lot more shame circling issues with sex then with financial strain. We are confronted with sexual images and content every day and yet it's a subject we rarely talk honestly about with each other. And honesty is not brag sessions in the men's locker room. I cannot believe some of the stories that come out of those testosterone-filled chats and the way women are frequently disrespected and objectified.

Maybe if we were honest, we would find that most of us struggle with finding balance in the bedroom.

I'm not an expert, but I believe this ebb and flow is quite normal for most couples. But there are many other factors that effect intimacy in marriage.

I have written about my own issues emanating from childhood sexual abuse. And finding out several years into my marriage of my husband's struggle with pornography and adultery, which led to a diagnosis of sexual addiction.

These discoveries have revealed legitimate reasons for sexual dysfunction in our marriage. Trying to navigate this path together is often difficult, sometimes treacherous, and usually a bit lonely.

I don't have answers. I will never claim to have it all figured out. But I can invite you in and let you know that you aren't alone, if you're struggling here.

I can encourage you to investigate your role in the dysfunction and seek healing for whatever you find there.

We can pray — that both you and your spouse can talk openly about what is going on. That there will be understanding and compassion to deal with the disappointments, the unmet expectations, or the hurt feelings that might be sitting under the surface. That necessary truths will be revealed and hearts will be open because nobody likes to look at themselves in the mirror and take responsibility for the sins seen there.

I know what it's like when sex sits front and center of your marriage. I know the nights fraught with guilt when you haven't "given in" because what he wants from you is merely body and lacks the soul. And the moody mornings and pissy attitude that accompanies a night like that.

I have been there.

But thankfully anymore, only beauty and oneness and love come with the desire. And it feels safe and welcome. And because of this I can write hope — that growth and change are possible. That hearts can mend and marriages survive.

But you're not there yet. Stay, will you? Let's talk honestly and figure it out together.

The Truth About a Post-Crisis Marriage

I have a "post-crisis" marriage.

I never heard it referred to in that way until I read this post by Sarah Markley called, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections." Her confessions got me thinking about my own life and marriage post-crisis. She makes many excellent points.

I think there are things that happen in life that you work through and ultimately get over, for lack of a better word.

And then there are big, defining moment kind of events that become part of your process.

I'm living with the latter.

It's not that I'm stuck in the past. And I have forgiven. By all accounts we are living in a redeemed marriage. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

But, like Sarah Markley writes,

"I never want any bio or blog post or talk I give to ever make it sound like this post-crisis marriage is easy. In fact it's really, really hard."

I think it's not only important to clear up any impression that a redeemed marriage is somehow magically transformed and perfect, but it's also important to remind people that just because a few, maybe even a good many years has passed, there is still work being done.

This is true in all marriages, I think. And I believe with all my heart that there is hope for marriages damaged by sexual betrayals of all kinds. And there are some that no matter how much you want to keep it together, the healthiest thing is to split. There is no judgement from me in that.

Staying despite betrayal takes a lot of work. And the crisis that brought us to this place to begin with — were really symptoms of deeper issues. Issues that continue to surface every now and then and often require counsel.

Some days I'm weary from the struggle. And sometimes my own problems get in the way. This is the reality of any life, redeemed or otherwise. And I hope to convey that as much as possible on this blog.

"In fact, it's a struggle each day to love well and like wading through mud to suppress our own selfish inclinations." Sarah Markley, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections"

Confession and Healing (Part 2)

This post is a continuation from here.

Confession or being caught doesn't necessarily secure a happy, walk away from my sin ending. There's far more to it than that.

Exposing the sin is just the beginning of a complex process. The spouse with the figurative pornography noose around his/her neck has to want to remove it.

By the time my spouse confessed, he was already fed up with himself. He desired change and spent too many years trying to do it on his own. Confession freed him from the burden he carried alone, but it wasn't easy and it sometimes comes with a cost.

But sometimes, a spouse is sorry he got caught instead of being sorry for the hurt he's caused or the sin itself. What do you do then?

I can't speak from that experience specifically since everyone's journey through this looks different. But I can tell you that sexual betrayal, via adultery or pornography or lust, impacts your marriage and requires healing for both husband and wife, whether there is repentance or not.

Dealing with the pain of betrayal is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but the work was necessary. My husband's sexual addiction became an opportunity for me to do some self-examining.

And since I chose to stay and fight for our marriage, I knew my attitude towards his healing would effect everything. I could remain withdrawn, bitter, and angry or I could become his biggest ally. Neither option was a guarantee that he would not slip again, but one could lead to more hiding and the other encourages open communication.

If you suspect your spouse is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction:

• Talk to him about it. Show him you are a safe person by the way you approach/respond to him.

• Share/confess your own sin. God knows you struggle, too! Does your spouse know you're not perfect either?

• Find help for both of you — good counseling, a marriage weekend/retreat, an addiction program, Every Man's Battle, addiction recovery support, healing from betrayal

• Establish accountability to protect him from temptations. Who can he call on when he's feeling tempted? Who can both encourage him and help pick him back up if he falters?

• Become partners/allies/teammates — together fighting against temptations. Can you help guard his heart? How can you help establish/support healthy boundaries for him/for both of you (what he sees, reads, hears)?

Suspecting and Confronting (Part 1)

I was not one of those ostrich wives that happily preferred to hide my head in the sand. If anything, I was more suspicious and distrusting than most.

I didn't suspect my husband was viewing pornography until I found it on our computer that day. And I certainly never suspected my husband was having an affair with another woman. I was never naive enough to think he could never do that to me. In fact, unfaithfulness was one of my greatest marriage fears.

I have learned that liars always get caught at some point. It's like a built-in safety net and I have a great deal of faith in that.

I also believe that our intuition is stellar. You may not know specifically what's going on, but eventually, your gut will nag you into suspicion of something. Maybe you just have to ask the right questions?

Far too often, we talk ourselves out of or allow our spouse to minimize our suspicions. And I often left those conversations feeling selfish and guilty for second-guessing him.

We have a sin nature that doesn't like to get caught. Our shame and guilt is so powerful we would rather hide it from everyone then face the embarrassment and disappointment of others. The deeper we are in the sin, the harder it is to break free alone. So we're caught in this ugly spiral, in a state of contention, where right and wrong tug and pull at us, and we feel like there is no way out.

Cue the hope.

One of the best ways out of sin is confession. And maybe a close second is when someone who loves us confronts us about our sin. I shine a light over the darkness of my own sin or someone else does. Either way, I can no longer hide from it.

And that's a great place to start.

To be continued here…

Tell Me the Truth

We had just gotten ready for bed. Settled under the covers, I reached over and turned the light on my bedside table off. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

He started. My friend told me his wife doesn't want to know when he looks lustfully at another woman. It's too upsetting for her.

I replied. Really? I'm just the opposite. I'd rather know. It's what I don't know that scares me the most.

And that's how it started. The conversation that began my husband's full and complete disclosure.

I was right. I did feel scared as he revealed a sexual history I had not been aware of. But in the midst of the pain and confusion I was feeling, I also felt…peace?

Yes, it was peace. I could deal with what was being laid out in front of me. Our room was still dark, but a flicker of light was shining out of that darkness.

It was truth. And I had waited a long time to hear it.

The beauty of his words of truth was that it was the start of something essential for our relationship. We were talking, honestly talking, for the first time in our entire marriage. This mixture of honesty and vulnerability was the hope I needed — our marriage needed — to have a future together.

I believe a marriage relationship cannot be strong without honesty and communication. When both husband and wife are willing to ask and answer the hard questions.

To tell me the truth, to risk losing it all, he had to trust me — and God. Because I had the power to destroy him and everything he held dear.

To be continued…

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 2

Part 2, continued from this post…

I knew some of his "sorted" past when I started dating him. At that point he had mastered the art of hiding. No one knew his secret struggles. He let no one know of his pain.

Sexual pleasure was like a drug. It consumed his mind, it dictated his choices. It was all about when and where the next opportunity would arise. He knew it was wrong, but it became like a noose around his neck — squeezing ever tighter, not letting him go. How would he ever be free?

To him, sexual addiction was like trying to fill a bucket with water, not knowing there was a hole in the bottom. No matter how hard he tried, he could not keep the bucket filled. And it became increasingly more difficult to fill it up. He had to find new and different sources, but nothing ever satisfied.

It was easy for me to think that his infidelity had something to do with me — who I was, whether or not I fulfilled him. The truth was, nothing fulfilled him, not even the sexual pleasure he was searching for.

I stopped accepting blame when I began to understand sexual addiction (reading Schaumburg's book, "False Intimacy" gave me great insight). It also helped when I tried to see the innocent boy inside the hurting man.

I began to realize how rooted the infestation was and found, to my surprise, compassion and a desire to help him.

Sexual addiction doesn't happen overnight. It wouldn't have mattered who he had married. The temptation to stray was more about filling the bucket, then about me.

I would never be enough until he broke free from the chains of addiction and started a path towards healing.

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 1

"It was so hard to believe that my husband's addiction to (sex or) porn had nothing to do with me." — Anonymous

So if your spouse's porn, adultery, or sexual addiction isn't about you, then why? Why wasn't I enough? Why did my husband look elsewhere?

There once was a sweet, innocent boy. He loved to play with He-Man and the General Lee. Like most boys he explored the woods, made stick swords, and searched for crayfish in the stream.

But one day, when he was six, he saw something. It hung on the grungy wall of a back office and it made him curious. It was the first time he had ever seen pornography. (When was the first time your spouse saw pornography?)

Already curious and intrigued by the new picture in his head, he spent much of his elementary years "chasing" girls. Oh, how his mother would giggle and prod when he took an interest in a little girl his age. "Is this your girlfriend?" she would tease. (How old was your spouse when he/she had his/her first "girl/boyfriend"?)

Along with the inappropriate pictures he now had in his head, when he was between the ages of six and ten he experienced child with child sexual abuse. Confused and overwhelmed, he never told anyone. (Was your spouse ever sexually abused as a child?)

By age thirteen, he started dating a girl several years older then him. She had already been sexually active and seduced him, experiencing sexual intercourse for the first time. (When was the first time your spouse started having sex?)

The foundation for my husband's sexual addiction was being built, brick by brick, from the time he was six years-old. By the time he reached college, he was walled in and it felt like there was no escape.

To be continued…

When Pornography Invades - Part 3

He arrived home early that afternoon, tail between his legs, so to speak.

I could tell by the look on his face he was sorry, but at that point I wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done or whether he was just sorry he had been caught.

I didn't want to imagine my husband ogling other women, let alone looking at THOSE pictures.

The conversation about finding porn on my computer is a blur. I know I didn't lose it. I didn't completely jump off the deep end.

Why did I find it that day? He had been so "careful" up to that point. He knew all the secret ways of hiding it, getting rid of it, so no one would know.

Maybe, deep down, he wanted to get caught? Perhaps he was tired of the facade.

Towards the end of our discussion, my husband told me that the hours between our phone call and arriving home had been agonizing for him, too. He had no idea how I would react. In fact, he thought this could have been the end of us. He had a lot to lose.

I would like to take credit for my reaction that day. I know I had a reaction. I didn't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen.

I also know that I gave him a clear boundary, without threatening him. Looking at porn, especially when he was supposed to be caring for our child, was not acceptable.

He had betrayed my trust and I wasn't really sure what it would look like to rebuild it. But I could also tell that he was sorry, repentant sorry, and embarrassed.

If you read my story, you know that this was the first of many very difficult and painful disclosures.

When my husband revealed his affair to me it was about a year or so after I found the pornography.

And before his new confession came flooding out, he remembered —

How when he thought it was the end for us, we committed to working through it. And how that gave him hope when it came time to tell me the worst.


Click here to read part 1 of this story; here for part 2.

When Pornography Invades - Part 2

My heart thumped loudly as I dialed. A cocktail of panic and anger stirred as I listened impatiently to the ring-ringing.


The call began in usual fashion. We discussed the morning routine of our toddler as my mind, like an out of body experience, wandered away from my body. Like a robot I answered his inquiries, worried my emotions would betray me as I searched for the "right" words.

Is there something wrong? He saw through my act.

I found something. We should talk about it when you get home.

Tell me now. You are scaring me.

So I filled him in on what I found on my laptop that afternoon. I explained how confused and angry I felt. And we reluctantly agreed to wait until he got home from work to talk about it further.

I felt betrayed. I wondered how long this had been going on in my home without me knowing.

How did I not know?

So I waited for an excruciating couple of hours, agonizing over what this all meant and wondering —

Wasn't I enough?

To be continued…


Click here to read part 1 of this story.

When Pornography Invades - Part 1

I was searching for something and what I found was not at all what I was looking for.

It was a day like any other. I spent the morning caring for my eighteen month old and was enjoying the respite of nap time.

I was looking for a missing file on my laptop when it hit me like a slap in the face. An image now seared in my memory.

My body froze as the warm burn of anger and disbelief rose within me. It was the first time I found pornography. The first time I became aware of its ugly invasion into our home.

What should I do?

A barrage of questions formed quickly in my mind as my heart raced to make sense of it all. I searched frantically for more files as I grew more and more impatient.

After filling the virtual trash can with all the filth I could find, I made an impulsive phone call. I didn't know what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

To be continued...

Miss Consin's House - PART 2

This is the continuation of a post written by a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction (read Part 1). This past July, she & her husband had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

In our group class during our week at biblical intensive counseling, Dr. Schaumburg used the word “depravity”. I don’t recall hearing that term before. After doing a quick internet search I’ve come to understand that “depravity” describes the sad state of our human existence, not just in times past, before our sins were forgiven by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but the sinful nature that all of us struggle with, even today. These sinful tendencies are so corrupt and so far gone that we could never enter into the presence of God had it not been for that offering of salvation by our precious Lord.

I was brought to my knees once again just weeks ago as I was helping my 6th grade son gather books for a research paper on “idolatry”. As we searched the library for books and I began to read excerpts from some of them I was humbled to learn that idolatry, in its more abstract form, is not just bowing down to a tangible golden calf statue as referenced in the Bible, but also “replacing God with something we revere more than Him.” I am sure it was not by chance that God placed the idea of idolatry as a research topic in this situation. God has a remarkable and unmistakable way of getting our attention!

As humans we are all guilty of replacing God, at some point or another in our lives, with something we revere more than Him. Deep down in our innermost beings there is a core of selfishness—a craving for self-gratification and we will seek it out any way we can get it. Personally, I have replaced God many times in my life without even realizing that was what I was doing. The most recent thing I continually replace God with is my reliance upon food for comfort. I often used my husband’s sexual addiction as an excuse because “I” needed comfort. Instead, I should have relied upon God for that comfort and not replaced Him with food to numb the pain from emotional hurts. Literally days ago, as I was flipping through radio stations in my car, I stumbled upon a Pastor’s sermon that caught my interest. He described how many people make New Year’s resolutions to eat healthier and go to the gym to exercise, but after a few weeks they go back to their old habits. Why? He said it was because of our deep down sinful, selfish desires—doing and getting what we want, when we want. So we can blame other things or other people for not doing what we know we should do, but ultimately we are responsible for our own sin.

There is a deep connection between this idea of idolatry and sexual sin. I wanted to share some of the “tweets” Dr. Schaumburg has written on this very subject.

• March 3, 2012: “The thing that keeps us from spiritual and sexual maturity is spiritual self-idolatry.”

• February 24th: “Sexual sin is always the act of self-will; turning from God to self. Sexual sin is always self-idolatry.”

• November 2nd : “All sexual sin is a symptom of placing one’s self above God. This is idolatry!”

• October 20th: “Covetousness is idolatry for the sole reason that we are satisfied by things rather than satisfied by God.”

• September 30th, he references Thomas Watson by saying: “There is no idol like self where I admire my own words, ideas, achievements, and possessions.”

Over six months ago I was asked to contribute to this blog, but until now I have struggled with my own selfish tendencies. I went in the opposite direction from where God was leading me. Ever since that early summer morning at a picnic table in Wisconsin, I have felt a strong nudge from the Holy Spirit to respond to the sin in and around my life the way I know God wants my heart to respond. Sometimes I feel like Jonah must have felt as he was going against what God asked him to do by not going to Nineveh. Sometimes I do only what I want instead of what He wants.

Easter weekend is here as I sit writing this, very humbled. I have asked two friends to pray for me—to intercede on my behalf so that I will do the will of God as He has called me to do. He can do through me what I humanly cannot do on my own. There is much more to what God has implored me to do besides putting pen to paper just now. But writing this is a fresh start in turning away from my comfort zone and heading straight towards Nineveh. Our own “Nineveh’s” are unique to each of us. I urge you to seek deep within your heart and ask God if there is something He wants you to do that you’ve not done and pray about that right now.

Searching for the elusive “Miss Consin’s house” put me on a path of discovery. There is so much more I learned and am still learning as a result of attending Dr. Schaumburg’s conference. I am so incredibly thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to go and for the constant nudging of the Holy Spirit to keep at it and never let go.

Email me at Light in the Darkness if you are interested in more information regarding this intensive counseling or have a question for our "Guest Blogger" and I will make sure I forward them on.

Miss Consin's House - PART 1

Through this blog I met a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction. This past July, they had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

This summer my husband and I left our two young sons with their Grandparents for an entire week while we attended biblical intensive counseling with Dr. Harry Schaumburg. When we returned from our trip, our youngest son showed me a picture on the front of a vacation home rental magazine and asked, “Is this Miss Consin’s house where you stayed on vacation?” I had to laugh—it was sweet. He had heard us talking about going to Wisconsin for the counseling and thought we said Miss Consin. In all reality, we never met Miss Consin, but we did spend a lot of time with Harry Schaumburg, Ph.D. More importantly, though, we spent a lot of time with God and each other.

During the 14-hour drive up there I had a self-righteous feeling brewing inside of me. After all, I wasn’t the offender in this marriage. We were going there to deal with my husband’s sexual addiction. During our evening orientation Dr. Schaumburg asked that we spend the next morning having a quiet time apart from our spouse. He gave us each a specific Bible verse/passage to read and specific guided questions to ponder and pray about. Little did I know that through the prepared scripture and study questions, I was about to embark on something that would change everything.

That Monday morning, as I sat alone at a picnic table overlooking the waterfront, I was brought to my knees by our Sovereign God, who called me out on my own iniquity. Although we were ultimately there as a result of what happened in our marriage I quickly realized that this week was going to be about our own individual relationships with God, first and foremost. We would, of course, be discussing the concerns about our relationship as a couple, but God demands first that I be more concerned about my own sin towards Him.

Through our counseling sessions I learned many things about myself that I never anticipated at the outset of this journey. It started by looking deep into my heart. There I found selfishness that took me by surprise. For years, I put a label on myself as a “person with low self-esteem”. I did not think I had much value and worth. But under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to see something very different. Selfish pride was right there in my heart the whole time. Pride that demands, “I am indeed important….so important in fact that my husband deserves to feel guilty for what he has put me through in this marriage! Poor, pitiful me.”

Expecting to see evidence of low self-worth, I instead caught a glimpse inside my soul. I wanted my husband to pay for how much hurt he caused me. But what rocked me to the core was how God turned my thinking 180 degrees in an instant. He showed me that even though I have offended God, He doesn’t make me pay for how much hurt I cause Him. There is no doubt I have caused Him hurt over and over and over again. He is worthy of all the vengeance of my betrayals towards Him but because He is a loving God He has forgiven my sinful and deceitful heart and I needed to figure out how to do the same for my husband.

To be continued...

How To Help A Loved One Battling The Storm

After years of healing from my husband's admissions I am not afraid to talk to others about my experience. I always held fast to the idea that part of the good that could come out of such a dark time in my life would be in helping others put the pieces back together or at the very least realize that they are not alone. As such I have met several women who were in the throws of dealing with an unfaithful spouse. I don't know statistically speaking, but I'd say most marriages do not survive.

The perspective of this blog is from a marriage that did not end. I have no idea which path is easier to take and frankly, does it even matter? For each of us we have a choice, to stay or not to stay. I believe God leads the answer to this. I know the pivotal factor for me was my husband's brokenness and desire to make major changes. By the time my husband confessed, God had already been working on him for several years. My husband knew what he wanted and it included me. He was done with the lies and was actively seeking freedom from the chains of sexual addiction. He was ready and willing to do everything within his power to change and allow God to change him, no matter how difficult it was going to be. Conversely, God was working in my heart to accept my husband, the infidelity and all his flaws, so that we could actually work together to rebuild what sexual sin had broken apart.

Whether you choose to stay or not, we have all experienced the pain, often shock, of finding out our spouse has been unfaithful. We have all cried and screamed trying to make sense of it all. As the details slowly unfold, we have experienced confusion and self-contempt as we ask ourselves "how did we not know this was going on?" or "how could he?". This is the pain we share. I remember feeling very alone. At the time not having someone I felt comfortable enough confiding in, reeling and wondering if there was really anyone I could trust?

I have friends who are trying to support loved ones who just found out their spouses were unfaithful. Friends who don't know how to help. What does wise counsel look like in the midst of this?

1. Be a listening ear.
Betrayal is a very lonely place. It causes self-doubt and you tend to isolate because trust becomes such a difficult issue for you. If your spouse could betray you then is anyone really trustworthy? Be available to them. Give them a shoulder to cry on. Call them and check on them. There were many days when I was hurting so badly yet wanting someone to care, to make sure I was okay.

2. Be a reminder that they are not alone.
Adultery is commonplace anymore, but people rarely talk about it unless it ends very badly. Help them to see that there are other people that understand their pain. Even Jesus was betrayed.

3. Reflect the truth back to them.
There is a stigma associated with being the one betrayed, if not put on them by the world they put it on themselves. "I was betrayed because there is something wrong with me." Too fat, too skinny, not enough sex, blah, blah, blah. You name it we will find ways to blame ourselves for the whole thing. It may be true that it takes two, but adultery, lust, pornography, any sexual sin is a choice, a sin, and they are responsible for that. Many people willing to have an affair have deep issues of their own (having nothing to do with you).

4. Encourage professional wise counsel.
In the heart of my crisis, I did not want to reach out to a counselor. I didn't really know what I wanted or what I was supposed to do. A kind friend and counselor called me up and offered to meet with me to talk about what was going on. I am so glad I did that. Both my husband and I went to intense counseling during the height of the crisis. Although the frequency of the counseling has lessoned, we still seek counsel when things come up. I can think of nothing better then having objective counsel to deal with the depth of the issues betrayal reveals, even if you choose not to stay married.

5. Don't spouse bash.
As the betrayed spouse is sorting and sifting through all the ramifications of what has happened TRY NOT to bash on the offending spouse. I'm not suggesting you do not offer an honest opinion on the situation or what he/she has done, but it should only be done in an effort to help and encourage. Besides, you never know what God has planned for their marriage and staying together might be a viable option for them.

6. Walk beside them.
The journey of healing from this kind of betrayal is usually long and hard, especially if they choose to stay together. You should understand that this is a process and just because they are no longer in crisis does not mean they don't need your support. Things are not going to be better for awhile. They will experience many ups and downs. They will need time to rebuild trust. There is nothing more meaningful then a friend who commits to walking this journey with them. A friend that they can hash things out with, bounce things off of, and who is willing to speak truth to them.

There are many ways a spouse can commit adultery. According to the Bible, "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Just like there is no such thing as a "little" abuse, I believe betrayal is betrayal. It hurts the same, it destroys the same. I believe a spouse who commits adultery (and the man or woman they do it with) have deep issues. Issues that usually require professional counseling. Sometimes the lustful spouse has a sexual addiction they don't even know they have. Part of your process may include encouraging them to get the help they need before you can even focus on repairing your relationship.

If you have been betrayed or you are looking to help someone who has been, please see the book resource tab at the top of this blog for more information. And as always, I invite you to email me with any questions, concerns, or comments you may have.

Sexual Sin

A very blunt, but important sermon by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church discussing sexual sin and addressing the question, "How should Christian men and women go about breaking free from the bondage of sexual sin?” Whether you like it or not, sexual sin and immorality effects all of us in one way or the other. Please take a moment to watch (below) or listen and/or download this important message.

SEXUAL SIN sermon


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