Confession and Healing (Part 2)

This post is a continuation from here.

Confession or being caught doesn't necessarily secure a happy, walk away from my sin ending. There's far more to it than that.

Exposing the sin is just the beginning of a complex process. The spouse with the figurative pornography noose around his/her neck has to want to remove it.

By the time my spouse confessed, he was already fed up with himself. He desired change and spent too many years trying to do it on his own. Confession freed him from the burden he carried alone, but it wasn't easy and it sometimes comes with a cost.

But sometimes, a spouse is sorry he got caught instead of being sorry for the hurt he's caused or the sin itself. What do you do then?

I can't speak from that experience specifically since everyone's journey through this looks different. But I can tell you that sexual betrayal, via adultery or pornography or lust, impacts your marriage and requires healing for both husband and wife, whether there is repentance or not.

Dealing with the pain of betrayal is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but the work was necessary. My husband's sexual addiction became an opportunity for me to do some self-examining.

And since I chose to stay and fight for our marriage, I knew my attitude towards his healing would effect everything. I could remain withdrawn, bitter, and angry or I could become his biggest ally. Neither option was a guarantee that he would not slip again, but one could lead to more hiding and the other encourages open communication.

If you suspect your spouse is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction:

• Talk to him about it. Show him you are a safe person by the way you approach/respond to him.

• Share/confess your own sin. God knows you struggle, too! Does your spouse know you're not perfect either?

• Find help for both of you — good counseling, a marriage weekend/retreat, an addiction program, Every Man's Battle, addiction recovery support, healing from betrayal

• Establish accountability to protect him from temptations. Who can he call on when he's feeling tempted? Who can both encourage him and help pick him back up if he falters?

• Become partners/allies/teammates — together fighting against temptations. Can you help guard his heart? How can you help establish/support healthy boundaries for him/for both of you (what he sees, reads, hears)?

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 2

Part 2, continued from this post…

I knew some of his "sorted" past when I started dating him. At that point he had mastered the art of hiding. No one knew his secret struggles. He let no one know of his pain.

Sexual pleasure was like a drug. It consumed his mind, it dictated his choices. It was all about when and where the next opportunity would arise. He knew it was wrong, but it became like a noose around his neck — squeezing ever tighter, not letting him go. How would he ever be free?

To him, sexual addiction was like trying to fill a bucket with water, not knowing there was a hole in the bottom. No matter how hard he tried, he could not keep the bucket filled. And it became increasingly more difficult to fill it up. He had to find new and different sources, but nothing ever satisfied.

It was easy for me to think that his infidelity had something to do with me — who I was, whether or not I fulfilled him. The truth was, nothing fulfilled him, not even the sexual pleasure he was searching for.

I stopped accepting blame when I began to understand sexual addiction (reading Schaumburg's book, "False Intimacy" gave me great insight). It also helped when I tried to see the innocent boy inside the hurting man.

I began to realize how rooted the infestation was and found, to my surprise, compassion and a desire to help him.

Sexual addiction doesn't happen overnight. It wouldn't have mattered who he had married. The temptation to stray was more about filling the bucket, then about me.

I would never be enough until he broke free from the chains of addiction and started a path towards healing.

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 1

"It was so hard to believe that my husband's addiction to (sex or) porn had nothing to do with me." — Anonymous

So if your spouse's porn, adultery, or sexual addiction isn't about you, then why? Why wasn't I enough? Why did my husband look elsewhere?

There once was a sweet, innocent boy. He loved to play with He-Man and the General Lee. Like most boys he explored the woods, made stick swords, and searched for crayfish in the stream.

But one day, when he was six, he saw something. It hung on the grungy wall of a back office and it made him curious. It was the first time he had ever seen pornography. (When was the first time your spouse saw pornography?)

Already curious and intrigued by the new picture in his head, he spent much of his elementary years "chasing" girls. Oh, how his mother would giggle and prod when he took an interest in a little girl his age. "Is this your girlfriend?" she would tease. (How old was your spouse when he/she had his/her first "girl/boyfriend"?)

Along with the inappropriate pictures he now had in his head, when he was between the ages of six and ten he experienced child with child sexual abuse. Confused and overwhelmed, he never told anyone. (Was your spouse ever sexually abused as a child?)

By age thirteen, he started dating a girl several years older then him. She had already been sexually active and seduced him, experiencing sexual intercourse for the first time. (When was the first time your spouse started having sex?)

The foundation for my husband's sexual addiction was being built, brick by brick, from the time he was six years-old. By the time he reached college, he was walled in and it felt like there was no escape.

To be continued…

A Bump In The Road

There is a speed bump in a local shopping center that I don't like. No matter how you drive over it, no matter how slowly and carefully you maneuver, it shakes, bumps, and bounces you every which way.

Well, we have hit a bump in the road. Six months ago a "misunderstanding" among friends sent my husband for a loop. I knew he was struggling to process through it. I had gone through my process, forgiven, moved on, but he was stuck. I had no idea six months later that the loop he was sent on was more like a tailspin.

Finally coming to the light in the last few weeks, in some ways it feels like deja vu. Almost seven years to the day my husband confessed his sexual sin and infidelity and we are back to the confessional. Somehow in the last few months firm lines between sexually appropriate and not became blurred. We are still trying to understand how that could happen, after all we have been through.

Last night I "lashed out". I cried and yelled my frustration to him. Seven years of working on trusting him. Seven years into a new commitment to honesty and light and we're back to half-truths and hiding again. I was anything but grace-filled last night.

This morning I apologized. I don't want this to erase seven years of growing and healing. I want to offer him grace because we all make mistakes. We all get caught up. We all justify and make excuses. We all try to escape, instead of face the hard stuff.

I am sharing this because I want you to know that seven years forward of the crisis, we are still learning to live with this. But in some ways, we have perhaps become too comfortable in our routine. Accountability meetings between my husband and his friend have become less questioning and more sharing life. Safe guards that were set up long ago have become compromised. Somewhere, somehow he just stopped going to counseling. We have let down our guard.

Everything I wrote in my last post is still true. "Even if" ___________...we are going to be alright. I have confidence in this. I could never pretend that I have it all figured out. I do not FEEL like an expert in this area. It's as if we are walking a path unknown and unchartered. Each day, each month, each year not knowing what "recovery" means for us and trying to figure it out along the way.

This speed bump has tousled us around, but we will get to the other side. It may not always be smooth sailing, but it's in times likes these that I trust that God is at work again, revealing this chink in our armor so we can protect ourselves and not let our guard down. Sexual addiction is a disease. You don't wake up one day free from those chains this side of heaven. It takes work, hard work, and a commitment to the light.

Keeping Hope Alive (for the wife of a sex addict)

“If you trust in God, this shall be your verdict at the close of life. When you come to die you shall look back upon a life which has not been without its trials and its difficulties, but you shall bless God for it all: and if there is any one thing in life for which you will have to praise God more than for another, it will probably be that very event which seems darkest to you.

Did God ever do a better thing for Jacob than when he took Joseph away and sent him to Egypt to preserve the whole family alive? It was the severest trial of the poor old man’s career, and yet the brightest blessing after all . . . rest assured of that. Your father’s rumbling wagons have woke you out of sleep, and you are frightened at them; but they are loaded with ingots of gold. You never have been so rich as you will be after your great trouble shall have passed away.”

--quote from Charles Spurgeon

It may not feel this way now, but whatever is happening in your marriage right now, whatever defining moments you have experienced in your life, can be "the brightest blessing" if you are open to the Lord and trusting in what He is trying to accomplish in your life.

"Your father's rumbling wagons have woke you out of sleep"...such an amazing line because I can so identify. For years I was "asleep", in my faith and in my relationship with my husband. Lots of things were going on around me, but I just didn't know. I was naive and ignorant, but God woke me up. He opened my eyes to see the truth that I couldn't see. When you find out your husband has a sexual addiction it feels like your world is falling apart, but in all reality it was the Lord waking us up! I feel strongly that I would rather know the truth and deal with it. It's the hidden, secret stuff that scares me because Satan uses that to keep you right where he wants you, ineffective and bound to sin.

"You never have been so rich as you will be after your great trouble shall have passed away"...It's likely if you are reading this that you are in the midst of that "great trouble". And maybe it's hard to imagine a time after that trouble has passed. I want to encourage you to not lose hope. The same God that can move mountains, walk on water, bring the dead to life, is with you now working and moving within this great trouble. He has promised many times in the Bible that He will never leave you, that He will be with you always. It is in times likes these that we need to hold on to those promises from God and trust Him.

I believe in a forever marriage. I am willing to fight tooth and nail to keep it. I will go down fighting for it. I know that God's plan is different for each of us. After sincere attempts to reconcile, staying together may not be the best thing for everyone. But I strongly believe that everyone deserves an opportunity to change, we all deserve a second chance, we all deserve to have someone believe in us, even when we don't believe in ourselves.

Sexual addiction does not just happen. It is a symptom of deeper issues, that more then likely go back to childhood and/or a trauma that was never dealt with. For me, once I understood the deep hurt and situations that led my husband to act out sexually, I found myself having compassion for him. Compassion for the boy that was struggling and confused. Now that boy is a man and those issues don't magically go away. Have you and your spouse dug into the why behind the addiction? What happened in your spouses life that contributed to this particular path of sin? We all have an idol, the very thing we turn to when we are stressed out, tired, disappointed, etc. These feelings are usually triggers for us to turn to that idol. Do we turn to God when the going gets tough? Or do we turn to sex, food, people, or shopping to make us feel better?

I know you are angry, but as you start to work through the crisis it may be wise to start asking these questions. It may help you to love your spouse better, even though he doesn't "deserve" it. Loving your spouse even though it's undeserved is called grace and God has been gracious to you. He wants us to love boldly. He wants you to support your spouse in making the necessary changes. You are His ally in the war for your spouse's heart.

"If there is any one thing in life for which you will have to praise God more than for another, it will probably be that very event which seems darkest to you"...I pray you will one day agree with this statement. My darkest time was a turning point in drawing me closer to God and it was an opportunity to see God's care and commitment to being there for me always. My darkest time eventually brought my husband and I closer in our marriage then we ever could have been before. You can't be close with secret sin blocking your way to each other.

It may be a long process. You may take 10 steps forward and 11 back sometimes. It may feel like it's not happening fast enough for you. You may be feeling impatient with your spouse, demanding, frustrated. But it could also be an opportunity to love, support, and help your spouse at a time that most people would have already given up on them. A time when God will give you the strength to dig in your heals and plant your roots deep into the soil of marriage, hoping and trusting in God and His plan. Surrendering your will to His and believing His promises. And that's not easy.

How Will You Know?

"Marriage is a momentary gift. I have only scratched the surface of its wonders and its wounds." (John Piper "This Momentary Marriage")

So how will you know whether or not your spouse will stay true? Only time will tell.

Betrayal tears away walls of trust that take years to build. It is a complicated world we live in when at any moment, anyone, anywhere can hurt us, physically or mentally or both.

There is something magical about time. You may have heard it said that "time heals all wounds". Think about losing someone close to you and you remember how difficult the first year was, every first that comes along without them here. But time does heal and we all get back to living. What else is there to do?

I think time is a gift from God. It's through the passing of time that we often see and understand a little bit more of what was going on "back then". Time offers fresh perspective on things in the past. Sometimes it's through time that God reveals some of His larger plan. Believing we are all part of something greater gives us hope and helps us to keep putting one foot in front of the other, especially through the struggles.

Time also gives change wings. Time is constantly pressing forward but so are our opportunities to make different choices and to change. Over time trust between my husband and I is slowly building. Like I have said before, through thought, word, and action I have been witness to my husband's heart change. He is not the man he was before and time has revealed that.

I have been asked, "what will you do if he betrays you again?". I have been mulling this over for awhile because I know what I want my answer to be and I know where I believe I stand. But truth be told I hope my heart is strong enough to resist the urge to run if something like that happened again. For me, FOR ME, I choose to embrace this covenant commitment I have made with my husband. It's easy to say when things are good that I won't give up on him. That I am not going anywhere. But I also know what it's like to be face to face with raw hurt and betrayal and how devastating it can be when your trust is in shambles. All I can say is that I am committed. I am planted deep in this marriage until God moves me. I cannot control whether or not my husband betrays me again. But I am not self-deceiving enough to think that I could not make a major mistake that requires the same grace from him some day. I hope that his commitment to me is as strong and true as mine is to him.

So time heals. It allows for second chances and change. It unveils some of God's plan and work in our lives and the lives of others. And ultimately, in a marriage, time means a commitment and a covenant to enjoy and work through hard issues with your spouse. Time is a gift of memories. And time means there is hope for all of us to know and love God more and more each day. That when we mess up today, we get another chance tomorrow.

Time is a gift.

Two Realities

There came a point when I felt very conflicted about my abuser. He was good, trusted, respected, liked. But there was this other side of him, the person who abused me, took advantage, and betrayed my trust. It was like he was two different people.

I struggled in the same way when my husband revealed to me the secrets he had been keeping from me. There were two realities going on at that time, the one I knew and the secret life he was living apart from me.

It turned my world upside down. What was true anymore? Who was, who is this man?

In my situation, God in his mercy changed my husband's heart. He was done with the lies and the deceit. He was a "new man" and we were working on a fresh start. But the conflict remained because the "changed man" was the same man who did those awful things, but he was not that man anymore. What a head trip!

So we decided to name him. We named the man he used to be. We chose a random name for him. For the blog's purposes let's say it's "Harry" (it's not, but let's just say it is). It's kind of funny, I know. But giving "the jerk" the name "Harry" was a tangible way to describe who my husband used to be while encouraging and supporting the man he is today, the man God always wanted him to be.

Every now and then "Harry" comes to visit. And when I see him coming I tell him he needs to leave. "Harry" doesn't live here anymore. It's a joke, but it's not. I can be mad at "Harry". I can think "Harry" was terrible and hurtful and all those other things.

I like who my husband is today. I want to make our marriage work. I want to heal and grow and love him forever. I am committed to him and he is committed to me. The things from the past are in the past. We are rebuilding the broken trust moment by moment, action by action. I have forgiven my husband. That doesn't mean I don't still hate what he did or that it doesn't hurt when I think about how he betrayed me. But I can focus that negative energy onto "Harry" and be reminded daily that my husband is not that man anymore.

Do you ever wonder how you can ever look at your spouse the same way again? It is possible to recover and move on from sexual betrayal. And this silly technique might just help. It works for us!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The Truth Must Come Out

There is someone out there right now feeling hopeless. Their spouse admitted to having an affair. They don't know which end is up. And as the days march onward more and more details emerge. The truth is dribbling out like a leaking faucet. You just dealt with the last admission and now another one comes and another one. It feels like everything you knew was wrong. Who is this person you married? How could they have done this to you? The questions continue to fire in your head. Imaginations of him with her or her with him come creeping in. This is madness! And it's happening right now, to someone.

This is to all the spouses trying to make sense of it all. It does't make sense. That's lesson number one. No matter how hard you try, you will not make sense of what your spouse has done. Common sense does not apply here. I found that to be especially true when we realized my husband had a sexual addiction. It is a lonely, desperate place that drives a person to do the things they are willing to do for their own self-gratification. And in my case, it was not about me or the other women. It was all about him and that was the problem.

It is my opinion that in order for real hope and change to occur that the truth must come out. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. It was essential for the slow rebuilding of my trust that my husband tell me the secrets he had been hiding. And not just part of the story or a sugar coated version of the story, but the whole stinking secret, especially the parts he wanted to share the least. Vulnerable and desperately honest. This is a hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to hear. Just remember, though, if you ask you must be willing to hear it. There is real hope when your spouse lays it all on the line with you. When they have EVERYTHING to lose and find the courage to tell you anyway. It is a frightening dance because the listener has a great responsibility, too. If you cut and run at the first mention of pornography, how could your spouse ever tell you more? I know what it's like. I danced that dance. When I first found pornography on our home computer I thought that was the worst of it. I didn't know at the time that there was far more and it was far "worse". God helped me righteously and gracefully respond to the first "incident" and that laid the groundwork for what was to come later. I can only imagine if I had "over-reacted" to the pornography, that my husband would never have been able to share the rest with me. And him sharing the rest, was the key to breaking his chains and starting a new, hope-filled life.

I know it is difficult to hear that everything you thought and knew to be true was false. That the man or woman you married could be living a secret life, caught in a hidden sin. And sexual sin can be the worst because we feel like we can't talk about it. There is such perversion and dysfunction about it. We might rather not deal with it because the idea that anyone could do such immoral things is more then we can bear. I believe that this is precisely why there is such an epidemic. The best way to spread this darkness is to keep it quiet and hidden away. Let the guilt and shame eat them up from the inside out so they stop being effective at all, until they lose everything. I think this is the place I came to with my husband. I love him. I loved him then, too. And after the pain and anger lightened, I could see that my husband was suffering. That he was stuck and alone and he needed help. And I could have compassion for this man I married because he had gotten lost. And because it was so hidden he couldn't talk to anyone about what was really going on. I could help him, love him, and encourage him through this despite and in spite of my own pain, with whatever strength I had left.

I don't know how it is with you. I don't know if your spouse is broken, repentant, and willing to put in the hard work to make necessary changes. I don't know if you are willing to work through all of the hurt and betrayal or if you want a future with your spouse. But the vows you made to each other are a covenant commitment, whether or not your spouse has lived up to his or her side of the bargain or not. God has a plan and He is up to something. He can take this pain and evil and use it for good; for your good, your spouses good, for ministering to others. It's hard to see the "good" now. But sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God will lead and guide you through this mess.

He will not give you more then you can bear. He is with you and He will never leave you. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Taking Actions Towards Healing

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:7-9)

So what now? If your spouse has confessed and together you have committed to doing whatever it takes to heal the marriage then what does that look like? How do you go on? How do you ever trust again?

Initially, we were in survival mode. We received immediate Christian counseling from someone prepared to handle the depth of our problems. We signed my husband up to attend the "Every Man's Battle" workshop and within a month he had attended it. The conference was critical and was a sign to me that he was actively working to make necessary changes. I read A LOT of books in an attempt to understand what we were dealing with and deep down I desired to know that I was not alone. That there were others out there who understood my pain. Slowly we began to broaden our circle of support by sharing our troubles with trusted friends. We talked and cried a lot, too.

Early on we learned the importance of my husband having an accountability partner. They talk about having one in the "Every Man's Battle" book. We also found a book called "The Accountable Man: Pursuing Integrity Through Trust and Friendship" by Tom Eisenman. This is a great resource for understanding what an accountable relationship looks like and even has sample questions to help steer you in the right direction.

My husband and his friend have met once a week for five plus years. Their commitment to each other and to living lives of integrity are a beautiful model of what community and Christian brotherhood is all about. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). For us, there was an open dialogue between the three of us and I know that my husband's accountability partner and I are on the same page. I can trust him to challenge my husband to be the man God calls him to be and to ask hard questions.

In our situation, my husband also has accountability to me. We have a "no secrets" agreement so everything needs to be shared. If my husband has stumbled or struggled in the area of sexual sin, both his accountability partner and I are aware of it, primarily for the purpose of encouraging him, but also to hold him accountable to not fall deeper into sin.

For the most part, the above steps that I mentioned, coupled with action (not just words) are helping to rebuild the wall of trust that was shattered by sexual sin. My trust was in shambles. It took a commitment on both of our parts to rebuild one block at a time. It is still a struggle. But I know the man my husband is today is not the man that betrayed me. He shows me this by who he is (integrity), how he behaves (actions), his accountability to others (responsibility), through consistent effort, and being authentic (being the same man at work, at home, at church, etc.).

Every situation is different, but if your spouse is not taking the necessary steps to rebuild and heal your marriage, then your process will be "slower" then mine. It is God's timing. He knows the path we need to take to have a true, heart change. It may mean a trip to the "pit" and back again to ignite a brokenness about the sin and a deep desire for change. You need to do your part in the process, too. Above all else, trust God to do the work that must be done in your spouse's heart. This is not easy. You are in my prayers.

This is a prayer my husband and I have both used to ask God to reveal the things within us that need fixing or to be revealed:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)

The Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts..." (JOEL 2:25)

Do you wear your past mistakes like a chain around your neck? Do you use them to prove to yourself and others what a wretch you are?

Let's assume that your spouse confessed everything to you. Full disclosure. There are no more secrets. You picked up the pieces after it all hit the fan and now you are trying to move forward, one step in front of the other. You are working together towards healing. There has been a HEART CHANGE.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you forgive?

Forgiveness was not quick and painless for me. Unfortunately, it seldom is. The deeper the hurt, the more complicated forgiveness feels. After we got through the crisis moment, the anger, the sadness, the grieving, I had to start the process of forgiving. Moving through the real emotions of dealing with the truth is part of the process of forgiving. But it's best not to stay in any one emotion for too long.

I got very stuck on the saying "Forgive and forget." I thought that's what it was all about. I mean Jesus says "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). He does not hold our sins against us as long as we repent and confess them to Him. And we need to make it right with the people we hurt along the way. But forgetting was always a sticking point for me. How could I ever forget?

Maybe "forgetting" doesn't necessarily mean it's erased from memory. Maybe forgetting means not letting it have dominion over you anymore. Not letting it infiltrate your life in a way that keeps you from being able to move forward. Forgiving is more about grace. Because we don't forgive someone only because they deserve it or earn it. Like grace, forgiveness is a gift given irregardless of whether they deserve it. Forgiveness is like a second chance. That your spouse does not wear the scarlet "A" on their chest all the days of their life. It is not fodder for mud slinging, when you are in a heated argument. And more then anything else, no matter what any of us have done it is all sin. Sexual sin is not any better or worse then any other sin we commit. Yes, there are serious consequences to sexual sin. There is major healing to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt. But like any sin, with repentance comes forgiveness.

It took some time for me to process through what it means to forgive. I didn't want to tell him he was forgiven if I didn't mean it. I forgave my husband. It does not mean it's forgotten. It is still a big part of our lives, but not the sin anymore. It's a big part of our lives because of what God did in our lives through the sin and struggle. Forgiveness changed our focus.

But it's not enough for the betrayed spouse to offer forgiveness. The one who sinned not only needs to accept the forgiveness God offers, and the forgiveness their spouse offers, but they have to come to a place where they can truly forgive themselves. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for my husband. He struggles to forgive himself for what he did. The guilt and shame have lessoned. But regret, that one is the hardest to shake.

Regret is like asking yourself "what if?". What if you made a different choice? What if you had come clean sooner? What if you went to a different school? Or didn't go to that party? Regret is wishing you didn't do what you did and knowing there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It's wishing things were different. Wishing you could take it back. Wishing you hadn't hurt the person you love. You can no more change the past then predict the future. How do you let go of regret? We're still trying to figure that one out.

Just remember, God is weaving a story in your life. If you hadn't done this or that, your story wouldn't be what it is today. God uses the good and the bad in your life to mold you into a better you. The desire to undo the past is like telling God He made a mistake. Where you are today, who you are today, is okay with God. He can work with anyone. Instead of regretting the past, try committing to a better future, making different choices, and living for Him.

When Your World Falls Apart

It may help if you read "The Crisis" (the tab at the top of the page) so you understand where I'm coming from here.

Have you ever tried to hold your breath underwater as long as you possibly can? Or had the wind knocked out of you when you've fallen hard? There is a moment of panic. When you know you need to breathe, but you don't know if you'll get to the surface fast enough. You want to breathe, but you can't catch your breath.

Can you relate?

I can go back in my mind to the night my husband told me about his affairs very easily. I try not to go there. There isn't really any reason to. Reliving it in my mind without a good reason for it isn't helpful. But I'll go there with you, if I thought it would help. I'm not afraid. Because the "worst" night of my life is also the best night. It was our turning point. Our defining moment. The beginning of a whole new life. The most horrible, painful night was also filled with hope.

Imagine it's storming outside and the lights go out. It is pitch black. You can't see anything. Fear starts to creep in. You fumble about looking for the flashlight you thought you put in the drawer, but the kids moved it so now when you need it it's no where to be found. You get your hands on a candle. Oooh, it smells like mulled cider. But you can't find the lighter or a match, anything to help you to be able to see again. And finally, you find it, pull the trigger, and a dim flicker of light sparks at the end of the lighter. You're in business. Candles lit you can finally see where the flashlight is. It's not much, but it's enough to ward off the fear until the electricity comes back on.

The antidote to darkness is light. You can hide in the darkness. You can't hide (very well anyway) in the light. You can't see anything, no details, no colors, nothing in the dark. You can see everything in the light. That's why I chose "Light in the Darkness" for the title of my blog. Because in my own life, it was the Light shining into the darkness that began our journey to healing. It was something that was once hidden being revealed and seen in the light that gave our marriage hope.

I believe that the truth and the Truth set my husband free. It was transforming from denial to acceptance. Vulnerability. Honesty. True, real, intimacy that can only be experienced when you come clean. This is what I hope for you. When you carry regret, shame, guilt all by yourself it will kill you. When you let the light shine in the darkness you will be set free.

This is a blog about what I've learned on this journey of healing. That what we have experienced can be used to help, encourage, and support other couples struggling to stay married despite sexual betrayal and sin. Everyone's experience is different. Things are working out in our marriage because of how our circumstances played out. Not all couples can or are meant to survive this. But I wish to give you hope. It is possible to overcome this. You can do it if you are both committed to making a change, if you are willing to forgive, and if you determine to have an authentic, truth-filled marriage. No more hiding. No more lies.