Miss Consin's House - PART 1

Through this blog I met a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction. This past July, they had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

This summer my husband and I left our two young sons with their Grandparents for an entire week while we attended biblical intensive counseling with Dr. Harry Schaumburg. When we returned from our trip, our youngest son showed me a picture on the front of a vacation home rental magazine and asked, “Is this Miss Consin’s house where you stayed on vacation?” I had to laugh—it was sweet. He had heard us talking about going to Wisconsin for the counseling and thought we said Miss Consin. In all reality, we never met Miss Consin, but we did spend a lot of time with Harry Schaumburg, Ph.D. More importantly, though, we spent a lot of time with God and each other.

During the 14-hour drive up there I had a self-righteous feeling brewing inside of me. After all, I wasn’t the offender in this marriage. We were going there to deal with my husband’s sexual addiction. During our evening orientation Dr. Schaumburg asked that we spend the next morning having a quiet time apart from our spouse. He gave us each a specific Bible verse/passage to read and specific guided questions to ponder and pray about. Little did I know that through the prepared scripture and study questions, I was about to embark on something that would change everything.

That Monday morning, as I sat alone at a picnic table overlooking the waterfront, I was brought to my knees by our Sovereign God, who called me out on my own iniquity. Although we were ultimately there as a result of what happened in our marriage I quickly realized that this week was going to be about our own individual relationships with God, first and foremost. We would, of course, be discussing the concerns about our relationship as a couple, but God demands first that I be more concerned about my own sin towards Him.

Through our counseling sessions I learned many things about myself that I never anticipated at the outset of this journey. It started by looking deep into my heart. There I found selfishness that took me by surprise. For years, I put a label on myself as a “person with low self-esteem”. I did not think I had much value and worth. But under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to see something very different. Selfish pride was right there in my heart the whole time. Pride that demands, “I am indeed important….so important in fact that my husband deserves to feel guilty for what he has put me through in this marriage! Poor, pitiful me.”

Expecting to see evidence of low self-worth, I instead caught a glimpse inside my soul. I wanted my husband to pay for how much hurt he caused me. But what rocked me to the core was how God turned my thinking 180 degrees in an instant. He showed me that even though I have offended God, He doesn’t make me pay for how much hurt I cause Him. There is no doubt I have caused Him hurt over and over and over again. He is worthy of all the vengeance of my betrayals towards Him but because He is a loving God He has forgiven my sinful and deceitful heart and I needed to figure out how to do the same for my husband.

To be continued...

Redeeming Love

The Lord said to me, "Go. Show your love to your wife again. She is loved by another man. And she has committed adultery. But I want you to love her just as I love the people of Israel. They turn to other gods. And they love to offer raisin cakes to Baal and eat them. In spite of that, I love my people."
HOSEA 3:1

There is a fictional story by Francine Rivers called "Redeeming Love". It is based on the biblical love story of Hosea and Gomer. In the context of this blog, "Redeeming Love" is about loving someone like Jesus. It's about not giving up on them. It's about loving someone even though they hurt you. It's about allowing God to use you in someone else's redemption story.

When betrayal touches your marriage it forces you to take a deep look at yourself. It tests your heart and reveals your own sinfulness.

I have read "Redeeming Love" twice. At my request, my husband also read it. I highly recommend reading this fictional story as a means of giving you a new perspective and encouragement in the struggle.

For me, this story was a beautiful way to see how deeply faithful and unconditional God's love is for each one of us. I don't claim to be "Hosea", but it is a role I can relate to in my commitment to my husband. And the redemption "Angel" experiences at the end of the book is worth all "Michael" fought for and all the hurt and pain his obedience cost him.

And I feel the same way. Praise the Lord!

Forgiving the "Unforgivable"

Forgiveness is such an instrumental aspect of healing and yet, something I have had to work to completely understand.

What does it mean to forgive? What does forgiveness look like?

I am reading a book called "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Dr. Allender is also the author of "A Wounded Heart" (see book resources), which I have referenced before. Allender talks very pointedly about forgiveness and has a take on it that I haven't necessarily wrapped my brain around before. I am still processing through it, but I wanted to share some of his thoughts on the topic.

At the heart of forgiveness is a deep desire for reconciliation. A desire that the person would turn from sin and live for God. As you process through the hurt you have experienced at the hands of another person, do you want "wrongs to be made right"? Do you want them to find redemption through Christ? Or do you want them to pay?

Allender writes that forgiveness is neither "unconditional or one-sided" (161). In order to receive forgiveness from the Lord we must repent. Allender suggests the same is true in our human relationships. Repentance is key to restoration and reconciliation with the one that hurt us. "Forgiveness involves a heart that cancels debt but does not lend money until repentance occurs" (Allender 162).

Why is repentance so important? Without deep, life redirection or a heart change, many return to the same sins and addictions. Some are sorry - that they got caught - but not repentant and grieved over their sin. We can work through the hurts and betrayals of another, but I don't know whether we can actually forgive and reconcile with them completely unless they have the desire to change. This idea does bump up against more traditional ideas of forgiveness.

It would be easy then, to view the one that hurt you as "the enemy". Easy to see their sin and blame them for everything. However, knowing that we are all sinful, it is necessary to look at our own part and acknowledge our own sin in the relationship.

Allender says, "Evil in another ought to serve as a mirror to better reflect evil in our own eye" (200). This is a reference to Matthew 7:1-5 which talks about judging others and taking "the plank out of your own eye". I really appreciated this reminder because I feel like ultimately, taking this perspective helped my husband and I to grow through the crisis. When I was able to look at my own "plank" then I was able to love and understand my husband's struggle better and offer him grace.

If your spouse has repented and is trying to make the necessary changes then you must learn how to forgive. "Reconciliation is not to be withheld when repentance -- that is, deep, heart-changing acknowledgment of sin and a radical redirection of life -- takes place in the one being rebuked" (Allender 162).

Allender's definition of forgiveness is "to cancel the debt of what is owed in order to provide a door of opportunity for repentance and restoration of the broken relationship" (160). So forgiveness, according to Allender, requires a "hunger for restoration" with the person that hurt you, "revoking revenge" and allowing God the final judgment, and "pursuing goodness" by "words and deeds - by praying and blessing, and by turning and giving" and "loving them boldly" (220).

So maybe "forgiveness" comes down to our attitude, desires, and motivation toward the person we are trying to forgive. I have said before that forgiving isn't forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't magically make what happened leave your memory. We are to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22). But you don't want forgiveness to enable someone who is unrepentant to continue treating you and others in the same sinful way they have been. "Love, in many cases, is a covering over of the offense with long-suffering patience. Love may pardon an offense, but it does not ignore the ugliness and arrogance that blights beauty...covering it over is not another word for pretending it doesn't exist" (Allender 184).

Like I said, a very interesting take on biblical forgiveness. If you are trying to understand what forgiveness looks like for you I would recommend reading both "Bold Love" by Allender and Longman, as well as, "Choosing Forgiveness" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Reclaiming the Losses

I have this mental image from Exodus 7:14-25 when God "sent" the plague of blood to Egypt. The Nile River, ponds, reservoirs, and canals turned to blood. I have no idea how it happened, but I imagine it seeping slowly from the staff, traveling down the river into the other waterways until all the water in Egypt turned to blood. It's in this same way, a slow seeping into every corner and crevice, that sin takes over a life.

Whether it's adultery, sexual abuse, pornography or something else, those choices or experiences can effect nearly every area of life, even the places we least expect it. When you get to a place where you can take a "big picture" look at your life, that reality is hard to miss. Like unraveling the layers of an onion, it may start to feel like you keep finding new areas the betrayal has touched.

Adultery robbed my husband and I of many "first" experiences. They were given away to people that meant nothing. And you would like to get them back somehow, but you can't. Maybe we're overanalyzing it, but anyone who has had to deal with adultery, whether a physical or emotional affair, pornography, or lusting with your eyes (Matthew 5:28), can understand that kind of loss. You can't take back what you've given away, especially when it's your time and affection.

It can feel overwhelming as you discover more and more areas that have been effected. But once again, if you are committed to working things out with your spouse, then the process will most likely take you back to forgiving them again and grieving the losses. As time heals, you may want to consider reclaiming some of the things that are tainted. Whether it's a town with bad memories or a "lost first" experience together, you can create your own "firsts" or atleast a new, good memory. Slowly replacing the bad memories with good ones will help both you and your spouse to move forward. And trust me, your loving, intimate, married experience will trump the other experiences any day.

"What God has joined together let no man put asunder" (traditional wedding vows taken from Matthew 19:6).

The Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts..." (JOEL 2:25)

Do you wear your past mistakes like a chain around your neck? Do you use them to prove to yourself and others what a wretch you are?

Let's assume that your spouse confessed everything to you. Full disclosure. There are no more secrets. You picked up the pieces after it all hit the fan and now you are trying to move forward, one step in front of the other. You are working together towards healing. There has been a HEART CHANGE.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you forgive?

Forgiveness was not quick and painless for me. Unfortunately, it seldom is. The deeper the hurt, the more complicated forgiveness feels. After we got through the crisis moment, the anger, the sadness, the grieving, I had to start the process of forgiving. Moving through the real emotions of dealing with the truth is part of the process of forgiving. But it's best not to stay in any one emotion for too long.

I got very stuck on the saying "Forgive and forget." I thought that's what it was all about. I mean Jesus says "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). He does not hold our sins against us as long as we repent and confess them to Him. And we need to make it right with the people we hurt along the way. But forgetting was always a sticking point for me. How could I ever forget?

Maybe "forgetting" doesn't necessarily mean it's erased from memory. Maybe forgetting means not letting it have dominion over you anymore. Not letting it infiltrate your life in a way that keeps you from being able to move forward. Forgiving is more about grace. Because we don't forgive someone only because they deserve it or earn it. Like grace, forgiveness is a gift given irregardless of whether they deserve it. Forgiveness is like a second chance. That your spouse does not wear the scarlet "A" on their chest all the days of their life. It is not fodder for mud slinging, when you are in a heated argument. And more then anything else, no matter what any of us have done it is all sin. Sexual sin is not any better or worse then any other sin we commit. Yes, there are serious consequences to sexual sin. There is major healing to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt. But like any sin, with repentance comes forgiveness.

It took some time for me to process through what it means to forgive. I didn't want to tell him he was forgiven if I didn't mean it. I forgave my husband. It does not mean it's forgotten. It is still a big part of our lives, but not the sin anymore. It's a big part of our lives because of what God did in our lives through the sin and struggle. Forgiveness changed our focus.

But it's not enough for the betrayed spouse to offer forgiveness. The one who sinned not only needs to accept the forgiveness God offers, and the forgiveness their spouse offers, but they have to come to a place where they can truly forgive themselves. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for my husband. He struggles to forgive himself for what he did. The guilt and shame have lessoned. But regret, that one is the hardest to shake.

Regret is like asking yourself "what if?". What if you made a different choice? What if you had come clean sooner? What if you went to a different school? Or didn't go to that party? Regret is wishing you didn't do what you did and knowing there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It's wishing things were different. Wishing you could take it back. Wishing you hadn't hurt the person you love. You can no more change the past then predict the future. How do you let go of regret? We're still trying to figure that one out.

Just remember, God is weaving a story in your life. If you hadn't done this or that, your story wouldn't be what it is today. God uses the good and the bad in your life to mold you into a better you. The desire to undo the past is like telling God He made a mistake. Where you are today, who you are today, is okay with God. He can work with anyone. Instead of regretting the past, try committing to a better future, making different choices, and living for Him.