Worth Fighting For

A story continued from "Tell Me the Truth"…

I had to leave the room.

As the truth came pouring from his lips that night I knew I needed time. I sat in the rocking chair in the dark living room. I didn't know what to do. My husband had just told me he had an affair and had struggled intensely with pornography for years. Suddenly I doubted everything I ever knew.

Our toddler was sleeping soundly in the next room, oblivious to the chaos whirling outside his door. What debris would be left behind in the aftermath? Would our child's whole world change that night?

I suddenly found myself holding all the cards. I had the power to destroy my husband, but it would destroy our family, too. He had given it to me simply by being honest. We all had a lot to lose.

It's hard to go back there — to that awful, beautiful night. It was wrenching. I was so angry. So confused. I needed time to process — to make sense of the senseless.

And I loved him. Still loved him.

In my heart I knew, if he was really done with the hiding and was willing to work hard and get help, we were worth fighting for.

And this man I loved, he was lost and confused, just like me. And he needed someone to believe in him, to fight for him, and to show him he was worth it. And he is.

Healing produced a new found trust for both of us. I can trust in his commitment to be honest and accountable to me and to others in his life. And he knows that I will not take advantage of the power his honesty affords me. That I remain committed to our marriage and working through whatever comes up.

For my husband and I, the flicker of light in the darkness of that evening turned into the fullness of living in the light. It's not always easy. But it's better then the alternative.

Tell Me the Truth

We had just gotten ready for bed. Settled under the covers, I reached over and turned the light on my bedside table off. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

He started. My friend told me his wife doesn't want to know when he looks lustfully at another woman. It's too upsetting for her.

I replied. Really? I'm just the opposite. I'd rather know. It's what I don't know that scares me the most.

And that's how it started. The conversation that began my husband's full and complete disclosure.

I was right. I did feel scared as he revealed a sexual history I had not been aware of. But in the midst of the pain and confusion I was feeling, I also felt…peace?

Yes, it was peace. I could deal with what was being laid out in front of me. Our room was still dark, but a flicker of light was shining out of that darkness.

It was truth. And I had waited a long time to hear it.

The beauty of his words of truth was that it was the start of something essential for our relationship. We were talking, honestly talking, for the first time in our entire marriage. This mixture of honesty and vulnerability was the hope I needed — our marriage needed — to have a future together.

I believe a marriage relationship cannot be strong without honesty and communication. When both husband and wife are willing to ask and answer the hard questions.

To tell me the truth, to risk losing it all, he had to trust me — and God. Because I had the power to destroy him and everything he held dear.

To be continued…

Miss Consin's House - PART 1

Through this blog I met a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction. This past July, they had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

This summer my husband and I left our two young sons with their Grandparents for an entire week while we attended biblical intensive counseling with Dr. Harry Schaumburg. When we returned from our trip, our youngest son showed me a picture on the front of a vacation home rental magazine and asked, “Is this Miss Consin’s house where you stayed on vacation?” I had to laugh—it was sweet. He had heard us talking about going to Wisconsin for the counseling and thought we said Miss Consin. In all reality, we never met Miss Consin, but we did spend a lot of time with Harry Schaumburg, Ph.D. More importantly, though, we spent a lot of time with God and each other.

During the 14-hour drive up there I had a self-righteous feeling brewing inside of me. After all, I wasn’t the offender in this marriage. We were going there to deal with my husband’s sexual addiction. During our evening orientation Dr. Schaumburg asked that we spend the next morning having a quiet time apart from our spouse. He gave us each a specific Bible verse/passage to read and specific guided questions to ponder and pray about. Little did I know that through the prepared scripture and study questions, I was about to embark on something that would change everything.

That Monday morning, as I sat alone at a picnic table overlooking the waterfront, I was brought to my knees by our Sovereign God, who called me out on my own iniquity. Although we were ultimately there as a result of what happened in our marriage I quickly realized that this week was going to be about our own individual relationships with God, first and foremost. We would, of course, be discussing the concerns about our relationship as a couple, but God demands first that I be more concerned about my own sin towards Him.

Through our counseling sessions I learned many things about myself that I never anticipated at the outset of this journey. It started by looking deep into my heart. There I found selfishness that took me by surprise. For years, I put a label on myself as a “person with low self-esteem”. I did not think I had much value and worth. But under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to see something very different. Selfish pride was right there in my heart the whole time. Pride that demands, “I am indeed important….so important in fact that my husband deserves to feel guilty for what he has put me through in this marriage! Poor, pitiful me.”

Expecting to see evidence of low self-worth, I instead caught a glimpse inside my soul. I wanted my husband to pay for how much hurt he caused me. But what rocked me to the core was how God turned my thinking 180 degrees in an instant. He showed me that even though I have offended God, He doesn’t make me pay for how much hurt I cause Him. There is no doubt I have caused Him hurt over and over and over again. He is worthy of all the vengeance of my betrayals towards Him but because He is a loving God He has forgiven my sinful and deceitful heart and I needed to figure out how to do the same for my husband.

To be continued...

Forgiving the "Unforgivable"

Forgiveness is such an instrumental aspect of healing and yet, something I have had to work to completely understand.

What does it mean to forgive? What does forgiveness look like?

I am reading a book called "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Dr. Allender is also the author of "A Wounded Heart" (see book resources), which I have referenced before. Allender talks very pointedly about forgiveness and has a take on it that I haven't necessarily wrapped my brain around before. I am still processing through it, but I wanted to share some of his thoughts on the topic.

At the heart of forgiveness is a deep desire for reconciliation. A desire that the person would turn from sin and live for God. As you process through the hurt you have experienced at the hands of another person, do you want "wrongs to be made right"? Do you want them to find redemption through Christ? Or do you want them to pay?

Allender writes that forgiveness is neither "unconditional or one-sided" (161). In order to receive forgiveness from the Lord we must repent. Allender suggests the same is true in our human relationships. Repentance is key to restoration and reconciliation with the one that hurt us. "Forgiveness involves a heart that cancels debt but does not lend money until repentance occurs" (Allender 162).

Why is repentance so important? Without deep, life redirection or a heart change, many return to the same sins and addictions. Some are sorry - that they got caught - but not repentant and grieved over their sin. We can work through the hurts and betrayals of another, but I don't know whether we can actually forgive and reconcile with them completely unless they have the desire to change. This idea does bump up against more traditional ideas of forgiveness.

It would be easy then, to view the one that hurt you as "the enemy". Easy to see their sin and blame them for everything. However, knowing that we are all sinful, it is necessary to look at our own part and acknowledge our own sin in the relationship.

Allender says, "Evil in another ought to serve as a mirror to better reflect evil in our own eye" (200). This is a reference to Matthew 7:1-5 which talks about judging others and taking "the plank out of your own eye". I really appreciated this reminder because I feel like ultimately, taking this perspective helped my husband and I to grow through the crisis. When I was able to look at my own "plank" then I was able to love and understand my husband's struggle better and offer him grace.

If your spouse has repented and is trying to make the necessary changes then you must learn how to forgive. "Reconciliation is not to be withheld when repentance -- that is, deep, heart-changing acknowledgment of sin and a radical redirection of life -- takes place in the one being rebuked" (Allender 162).

Allender's definition of forgiveness is "to cancel the debt of what is owed in order to provide a door of opportunity for repentance and restoration of the broken relationship" (160). So forgiveness, according to Allender, requires a "hunger for restoration" with the person that hurt you, "revoking revenge" and allowing God the final judgment, and "pursuing goodness" by "words and deeds - by praying and blessing, and by turning and giving" and "loving them boldly" (220).

So maybe "forgiveness" comes down to our attitude, desires, and motivation toward the person we are trying to forgive. I have said before that forgiving isn't forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't magically make what happened leave your memory. We are to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22). But you don't want forgiveness to enable someone who is unrepentant to continue treating you and others in the same sinful way they have been. "Love, in many cases, is a covering over of the offense with long-suffering patience. Love may pardon an offense, but it does not ignore the ugliness and arrogance that blights beauty...covering it over is not another word for pretending it doesn't exist" (Allender 184).

Like I said, a very interesting take on biblical forgiveness. If you are trying to understand what forgiveness looks like for you I would recommend reading both "Bold Love" by Allender and Longman, as well as, "Choosing Forgiveness" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I love roller coasters; the anticipation as your "car" ascends to the highest peak, the "stomach in your throat" feeling as you ride up and over the top, and the adrenaline rush as the "car" races down, as it twists and turns, so quickly you hardly know where you are going. Perhaps it's the reckless abandon you experience when you voluntarily give up all control for the thrill of the ride. The higher and faster the better, atleast that was our motto before we had children and responsibilities. And as such, we rarely have the opportunity to ride them anymore.

When I look back on the years since my husband told me everything, I could pretty much summarize it as a roller coaster ride. Much of the ride consists of twists and turns you aren't able to anticipate. There are highs and lows that leave your stomach tied up in knots. Just when you think you have reached a plateau, down you plunge. At times I have found myself wanting off!

Each experience with betrayal is different; every circumstance, every heart, every walk with God, every response, every desire to change, every recognition of sin. I have often felt like we were blazing a new trail. No one quite understands how I feel. No one knows exactly how to "fix it" or how you should respond or when you should go or when you should stay. No one can say when you should be "over it" (and I know people who try).

To a certain extent it's like a balancing act where you need to find the middle or you'll fall off one side or the other. Too much angry and bitter or too much enabling and overlooking and you're off balance. Where is the middle ground? There is an appropriate time to take a hard line against the sin, but if your spouse is honestly working to make different choices and working alongside of you to heal the marriage, then you are called to forgive.

Obviously when it all comes out it feels like you're on one of those extreme roller coasters, highest, fastest, mostly loops, upside down and backwards. For a while you don't even know which end is up. As the years progress, your roller coaster downsizes, and if your lucky you find yourself on one of those runaway trains, fast then slow, up then down, but a little more palatable.

I don't know which roller coaster you're on or whether you have found the balance yet. Unfortunately no one can tell you the exact formula. That's between you, your spouse, and God to figure out. I can't explain how or why I came to feel some of the things that have gotten me through. Time has been an essential element because the ramifications of this type of sin are far reaching and they don't go away just because the truth is out. It's hard work on both of your parts to put the pieces back together trusting God will show you the way.

"Don't you know that evil people will not receive God's kingdom? Don't be fooled. Those who commit sexual sins will not receive the kingdom. Neither will those who worship statues of gods or commit adultery. Neither will men who are prostitutes or who commit homosexual acts. Neither will thieves or those who always want more and more. Neither will those who are often drunk or tell lies or cheat. People who live like that will not receive God's kingdom.

Some of you used to do those things. But your sins were washed away. You were made holy. You were made right with God. All of that was done in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
(1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

How Will You Know?

"Marriage is a momentary gift. I have only scratched the surface of its wonders and its wounds." (John Piper "This Momentary Marriage")

So how will you know whether or not your spouse will stay true? Only time will tell.

Betrayal tears away walls of trust that take years to build. It is a complicated world we live in when at any moment, anyone, anywhere can hurt us, physically or mentally or both.

There is something magical about time. You may have heard it said that "time heals all wounds". Think about losing someone close to you and you remember how difficult the first year was, every first that comes along without them here. But time does heal and we all get back to living. What else is there to do?

I think time is a gift from God. It's through the passing of time that we often see and understand a little bit more of what was going on "back then". Time offers fresh perspective on things in the past. Sometimes it's through time that God reveals some of His larger plan. Believing we are all part of something greater gives us hope and helps us to keep putting one foot in front of the other, especially through the struggles.

Time also gives change wings. Time is constantly pressing forward but so are our opportunities to make different choices and to change. Over time trust between my husband and I is slowly building. Like I have said before, through thought, word, and action I have been witness to my husband's heart change. He is not the man he was before and time has revealed that.

I have been asked, "what will you do if he betrays you again?". I have been mulling this over for awhile because I know what I want my answer to be and I know where I believe I stand. But truth be told I hope my heart is strong enough to resist the urge to run if something like that happened again. For me, FOR ME, I choose to embrace this covenant commitment I have made with my husband. It's easy to say when things are good that I won't give up on him. That I am not going anywhere. But I also know what it's like to be face to face with raw hurt and betrayal and how devastating it can be when your trust is in shambles. All I can say is that I am committed. I am planted deep in this marriage until God moves me. I cannot control whether or not my husband betrays me again. But I am not self-deceiving enough to think that I could not make a major mistake that requires the same grace from him some day. I hope that his commitment to me is as strong and true as mine is to him.

So time heals. It allows for second chances and change. It unveils some of God's plan and work in our lives and the lives of others. And ultimately, in a marriage, time means a commitment and a covenant to enjoy and work through hard issues with your spouse. Time is a gift of memories. And time means there is hope for all of us to know and love God more and more each day. That when we mess up today, we get another chance tomorrow.

Time is a gift.

God-Honoring Intimacy

Intimacy is a really important part of marriage. Notice I didn't say "sex". It's taken us quite a while to understand the difference. It's even more complicated when you are married to a recovering sex addict AND you have childhood sexual abuse baggage.

I believe God created sex to be something you share with your spouse alone.

I believe that sexual intercourse is the fruit of knowing and being known by your spouse. This "knowing and being known" is not exclusive to the bedroom. This can be deep, heartfelt conversation, non-sexual touching, spending quality time together, and being loving to one another (thru actions and words) -- all of which can ultimately culminate in intimacy in the bedroom. When you feel loved, connected, cared for, and safe it creates an atmosphere for trust and vulnerability which I believe naturally leads you to God-glorifying physical intimacy.

I believe that all things, including and especially your sex life with your spouse, need to be God honoring. And I believe you know whether it is God honoring when you truly understand and are honest about what is motivating you during the act of making love. If it is for self-gratification or just to make your spouse happy then I don't believe it is God honoring.To glorify God in sexual intimacy it cannot be about using each other...using for a release or using to feel loved or so they won't leave you.

Intimacy includes being respectful of your spouse and not asking them to do things that make them feel uncomfortable, confused, objectified, or unloved. It's about mutually loving one another. It is me loving and putting his needs before mine and him loving me and putting my needs before his. If sex is a means to getting off, whether it's with your spouse or not, I don't believe that is intimacy (atleast the way God intended it to be). Intimacy is definitely a heart thing and intimacy is about LOVE.

Marriage is not a free ticket to sex anytime, anywhere, any way you want it. You are not an object. You are his wife and should be honored above all. You should be his treasure and treated as such.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (the message) "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever - the kind of sex that can never "become one". There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? They physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body."

Sex has and continues to be one of our biggest struggles in our marriage. And it's only been until recently that we have made some major strides in this area. A sexual addiction makes sex an idol. Whatever the means by which they get the sex they so desperately want (even if it's with their spouse), it is still an idol. Until they turn to God, instead of sex, to fulfill all of their needs, it will be a struggle for them (and you).

Reading the book "Undefiled" by Harry Schaumburg has helped tremendously with our understanding of biblical intimacy and biblical manhood and womanhood. Another resource that has been helpful to us is a sermon series by Pastor John Piper of Desiring God ministries called "Sex and the Supremacy of Christ". To listen or to download a copy of the sermon click the links below.

Sex and the Supremacy of Christ Part 1 -- By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ Part 2 -- By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org

This Is My Solemn Vow

"I take you to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow." (traditional Christian wedding vows)

The day I said these vows I meant them. The beauty of them tearfully spoken. A promise. A commitment. The day couldn't have been more perfect. I was marrying the man I had dated for over five years. We were excited and ready for this new chapter.

Intimacy did not come easy. Years of "don't do it" and "wait until marriage" suddenly changing to "it's okay, you're married". I was obviously thinking about it completely wrong. There wasn't a lot I knew about being someone's wife. My only examples my parents and other married adults I had known throughout my life. Some good examples, I suppose, but we are all just doing the best that we can after all. I felt ill-prepared still torn between the life and family of my youth and this new life I was beginning with the love of my life. "Leave and cleave" was much harder then I had ever expected.

He was patient some of the time, but there was often conflict. I guess I never realized how insecure I felt with him. There was always something sort of off with us and it didn't take long for things to start falling apart. What I realize now, is there were secrets eating away inside of him at that time. His heart wanted a "happily ever after" with me, but sexual immorality was stealing away those dreams. If you have visited this blog before, you already know the details (or can easily read them for yourself).

God works in the midst of the junk. He knew what was going on, but He also knew where He was taking us. We weren't necessarily walking strongly with the Lord back then. We were Christians meaning we believed in Jesus and we occasionally attended church. I knew He was around somewhere and although I don't remember asking Him for help, I know now that He was certainly helping whether I had asked Him or not.

The strength of my faith today I can humbly thank God for. It was because of the yuck we were forced to deal with that God became the focus and foundation of our marriage, a place He should have been at the beginning, but we didn't know any better. It is often a difficult journey this thing called marriage. With the everyday stresses, young children, work, school there is so much to contend with. Finding our way back to each other and changing our priorities and shifting our focus onto Him was easy and challenging at the same time. The challenge lies in changing the way we think and act in our marriage; having courage to seek wise counsel and see our hearts as they really are, broken and helpless. Condemned to a life of struggle if it weren't for God sending Jesus to redeem us and save us from this brokenness.

Saved from brokenness...it doesn't mean we don't still feel broken sometimes. It doesn't mean that we don't struggle anymore. It IS a life of hope, that we can weather any storms and He will be with us in the midst of them.

And all of this just brings me back to those vows. Whether said in earnest or under a shroud of secrets, it doesn't matter because God brings man and wife together and we CHOOSE whether to stay that way or not. If it's for better or worse it might mean staying and working through your biggest nightmare, but God will meet you there.

"I take you to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow."

This is what living and walking with him and Him looks like.

When You Raise the White Flag

School lunches need to be made, noses wiped, diapers changed, grocery shopping, laundry and dishes...you are a Mom, after all. And yet the busyness of your day can only drown out the questions for so long. Why? How could he? How could He? Will I ever trust him again? Do I even want to stay married to him? How can you love him let alone live with him?

Where do you find the answers? Where do you find the answers to any of life's questions? Unless you have been down this road before I don't think anyone truly understands or knows how to overcome it. Like a "Dear Abby" letter I've been asked many questions. It's been many years since the truth came out and the light came on and I remember how we managed; at that time we were stumbling through it, reaching, grasping for anything we could use to hold us together.

Then came the Truth. That was the glue. And the tremendous grace He bestowed on us, bringing us to what we both needed and still need the most...surrender. You are fighting, fighting, fighting and you realize you can't do it anymore. You're tired and beaten down, weak and confused. Have you reached the point where if you don't raise the white flag in surrender then you know you're going to die? Maybe not physical death, but maybe you will just give up. Hopeless is a desperate place to be.

Whether you have stopped trusting your spouse or you have stopped trusting yourself. When it all seems lost, there is a moment, when you get to choose. Is it about you? Or is it about love? Is it about Him?

It is easy to make this all about your spouse. What choices they made that hurt you so much. When they aren't who you thought they were. There comes a point when all the anger and bitterness can turn on you if you can't see Him in the struggle with you anymore.

Are you ready to surrender? Can you give up trying to understand why? Because what feels like another betrayal may be the door for you to see things a new way. To see things within yourself that need changing. What does your heart look like? When everything is going well in your life it's easy to love God, but when the trials hit, that's when your true heart for Christ is revealed.

Are you willing to let His light shine into your darkest places, too?

There was a moment when this suffering felt like it was about me, my pain, my betrayal. How could God do this to me? He knew about my childhood betrayal so why would he allow this? Why did he not allow the one thing my heart had always wanted...a man to love and cherish me the way I deserved? This was a poignant moment because I realized (with help) that this suffering was about me, but not in the way I first thought. It was about my heart and who I was; who I was as a spouse, a mother, a woman; who I was in my relationship with Him. God could have kept the light out. The secrets could have remained secrets for all of time. We could have lived a status quo, unhappy married life and passed that example onto our children. Could the painful truth coming out actually be FOR ME? out of love for me? Was this the way, the ONLY way, out of an unhappy marriage? Was this His way of giving me my heart's desire?

When the light came on and the darkness exposed, God had brought my husband through the pit. God graciously convicted him to the point that he was done with the lies and he repented. By exposing the darkness, the secret sin could be dealt with, worked on, and healed. The Light is desirable. The Light is love. The Light filled my husband with the desire to love me and our children more perfectly. Something I had always desired, but feared would never happen in our marriage.

So allow yourself the freedom to experience ALL that this crisis has for you. Be angry, sad, disappointed, or worse. Forgive and forgive again as often as you need. But I pray that when God brings you through He will also soften your heart to all that He has in store for YOU, all that YOU need to see in yourself.

"I can tell you these things because I have been in dark places -- which is the only way any of us ever learn to love the light." (Tony Woodlief, "Somewhere More Holy")

Two Realities

There came a point when I felt very conflicted about my abuser. He was good, trusted, respected, liked. But there was this other side of him, the person who abused me, took advantage, and betrayed my trust. It was like he was two different people.

I struggled in the same way when my husband revealed to me the secrets he had been keeping from me. There were two realities going on at that time, the one I knew and the secret life he was living apart from me.

It turned my world upside down. What was true anymore? Who was, who is this man?

In my situation, God in his mercy changed my husband's heart. He was done with the lies and the deceit. He was a "new man" and we were working on a fresh start. But the conflict remained because the "changed man" was the same man who did those awful things, but he was not that man anymore. What a head trip!

So we decided to name him. We named the man he used to be. We chose a random name for him. For the blog's purposes let's say it's "Harry" (it's not, but let's just say it is). It's kind of funny, I know. But giving "the jerk" the name "Harry" was a tangible way to describe who my husband used to be while encouraging and supporting the man he is today, the man God always wanted him to be.

Every now and then "Harry" comes to visit. And when I see him coming I tell him he needs to leave. "Harry" doesn't live here anymore. It's a joke, but it's not. I can be mad at "Harry". I can think "Harry" was terrible and hurtful and all those other things.

I like who my husband is today. I want to make our marriage work. I want to heal and grow and love him forever. I am committed to him and he is committed to me. The things from the past are in the past. We are rebuilding the broken trust moment by moment, action by action. I have forgiven my husband. That doesn't mean I don't still hate what he did or that it doesn't hurt when I think about how he betrayed me. But I can focus that negative energy onto "Harry" and be reminded daily that my husband is not that man anymore.

Do you ever wonder how you can ever look at your spouse the same way again? It is possible to recover and move on from sexual betrayal. And this silly technique might just help. It works for us!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The Truth Must Come Out

There is someone out there right now feeling hopeless. Their spouse admitted to having an affair. They don't know which end is up. And as the days march onward more and more details emerge. The truth is dribbling out like a leaking faucet. You just dealt with the last admission and now another one comes and another one. It feels like everything you knew was wrong. Who is this person you married? How could they have done this to you? The questions continue to fire in your head. Imaginations of him with her or her with him come creeping in. This is madness! And it's happening right now, to someone.

This is to all the spouses trying to make sense of it all. It does't make sense. That's lesson number one. No matter how hard you try, you will not make sense of what your spouse has done. Common sense does not apply here. I found that to be especially true when we realized my husband had a sexual addiction. It is a lonely, desperate place that drives a person to do the things they are willing to do for their own self-gratification. And in my case, it was not about me or the other women. It was all about him and that was the problem.

It is my opinion that in order for real hope and change to occur that the truth must come out. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. It was essential for the slow rebuilding of my trust that my husband tell me the secrets he had been hiding. And not just part of the story or a sugar coated version of the story, but the whole stinking secret, especially the parts he wanted to share the least. Vulnerable and desperately honest. This is a hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to hear. Just remember, though, if you ask you must be willing to hear it. There is real hope when your spouse lays it all on the line with you. When they have EVERYTHING to lose and find the courage to tell you anyway. It is a frightening dance because the listener has a great responsibility, too. If you cut and run at the first mention of pornography, how could your spouse ever tell you more? I know what it's like. I danced that dance. When I first found pornography on our home computer I thought that was the worst of it. I didn't know at the time that there was far more and it was far "worse". God helped me righteously and gracefully respond to the first "incident" and that laid the groundwork for what was to come later. I can only imagine if I had "over-reacted" to the pornography, that my husband would never have been able to share the rest with me. And him sharing the rest, was the key to breaking his chains and starting a new, hope-filled life.

I know it is difficult to hear that everything you thought and knew to be true was false. That the man or woman you married could be living a secret life, caught in a hidden sin. And sexual sin can be the worst because we feel like we can't talk about it. There is such perversion and dysfunction about it. We might rather not deal with it because the idea that anyone could do such immoral things is more then we can bear. I believe that this is precisely why there is such an epidemic. The best way to spread this darkness is to keep it quiet and hidden away. Let the guilt and shame eat them up from the inside out so they stop being effective at all, until they lose everything. I think this is the place I came to with my husband. I love him. I loved him then, too. And after the pain and anger lightened, I could see that my husband was suffering. That he was stuck and alone and he needed help. And I could have compassion for this man I married because he had gotten lost. And because it was so hidden he couldn't talk to anyone about what was really going on. I could help him, love him, and encourage him through this despite and in spite of my own pain, with whatever strength I had left.

I don't know how it is with you. I don't know if your spouse is broken, repentant, and willing to put in the hard work to make necessary changes. I don't know if you are willing to work through all of the hurt and betrayal or if you want a future with your spouse. But the vows you made to each other are a covenant commitment, whether or not your spouse has lived up to his or her side of the bargain or not. God has a plan and He is up to something. He can take this pain and evil and use it for good; for your good, your spouses good, for ministering to others. It's hard to see the "good" now. But sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God will lead and guide you through this mess.

He will not give you more then you can bear. He is with you and He will never leave you. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Scars of Abuse

I was sexually abused when I was a child. I kept memories stuffed away for a long time. At one point, when I was a teenager, I approached my parents about what had happened. But it was too close to home for them, I think. They were not prepared and didn't know how to handle what I had shared. We never spoke about it again.

I was married in my early twenties. It was a rough time. We fought a lot. We did not have sex. We tried, mind you, but there was something holding us back. I'm not even sure I can explain how I felt. It was suffocating.

It was clear there was something wrong with me. This was NOT how the "honeymoon" was supposed to go. We were not "normal" or so we kept telling ourselves. Everyone else was having sex. I relented and started seeing a counselor.

Some days it was talking about the memories of my abuse. Some days it was discussing why my husband and I couldn't make it a week without fighting. I didn't know at the time there were separate issues going on there. I don't remember a lot about the "abuse therapy". I know it took a long time before I could get through a session without crying the whole time. Maybe it was grief. Maybe it was relief, to finally be able to talk about it. To get it out of that place I always stuffed it.

It certainly wasn't easy. It was quite painful, in fact. But what I didn't realize as I was busy shoving my memories back under the rug, doing whatever I could to not think about it, was that dealing with it would have been easier then trying to forget it. Because along with the memories, I was also shoving down the lies I had told myself about it. That it was my fault. I should have known better. I asked for it. And the memories and lies infested a deep part of who I thought I was. If it was my fault and I should have known better then I should feel ashamed. The lies also told me that I need to be in control. That I cannot let anything like that happen to me again. That I need to protect and rely on myself.

I was abused by a close relative. He was absolutely trusted. And he took advantage of me. And I went a long with it because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted him.

This deep shame has left a scar on me. It had robbed me of true intimacy with my husband. The shame kept me paralyzed. With hard work and God's help, however, I slowly began to unravel the shame enough to be intimate. Intimacy was scary to me because it meant complete vulnerability, being exposed and allowing myself to be "out of control".

The remnants of childhood sexual abuse are far reaching, especially if you haven't been able to properly deal with what happened and how it has effected you. The crazy truth is you are less alone then you think. The statistics are off the charts. I grew up in a day and age where we weren't really talking about sex or sexual abuse. But it's 2010 and one of the best ways to combat childhood sexual abuse is by shedding light on it, talking about it, becoming informed, and working to keep it from happening to the children in our lives.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened to me. But I can change the choices I make because of what happened. I choose to be a survivor. I choose to talk about it and heal those wounds so that I can live a productive life, free from those chains. It will always be a part of my story. And I believe through it God has taught me some pretty extraordinary things about myself. And he continues to show me the things I still need to work on. I may never be completely free from the "shame scar", but I refuse to be taken prisoner by it.

If you or someone you love is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, besides good counseling, I would recommend the following books (all of which are available through amazon.com):

"A Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender
"On the Threshold of Hope" by Diane Langberg
"When a Man You Love Was Abused" by Cecil Murphey

Website:
Rise and Shine Movement
Tamar's Redemption

The Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts..." (JOEL 2:25)

Do you wear your past mistakes like a chain around your neck? Do you use them to prove to yourself and others what a wretch you are?

Let's assume that your spouse confessed everything to you. Full disclosure. There are no more secrets. You picked up the pieces after it all hit the fan and now you are trying to move forward, one step in front of the other. You are working together towards healing. There has been a HEART CHANGE.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you forgive?

Forgiveness was not quick and painless for me. Unfortunately, it seldom is. The deeper the hurt, the more complicated forgiveness feels. After we got through the crisis moment, the anger, the sadness, the grieving, I had to start the process of forgiving. Moving through the real emotions of dealing with the truth is part of the process of forgiving. But it's best not to stay in any one emotion for too long.

I got very stuck on the saying "Forgive and forget." I thought that's what it was all about. I mean Jesus says "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). He does not hold our sins against us as long as we repent and confess them to Him. And we need to make it right with the people we hurt along the way. But forgetting was always a sticking point for me. How could I ever forget?

Maybe "forgetting" doesn't necessarily mean it's erased from memory. Maybe forgetting means not letting it have dominion over you anymore. Not letting it infiltrate your life in a way that keeps you from being able to move forward. Forgiving is more about grace. Because we don't forgive someone only because they deserve it or earn it. Like grace, forgiveness is a gift given irregardless of whether they deserve it. Forgiveness is like a second chance. That your spouse does not wear the scarlet "A" on their chest all the days of their life. It is not fodder for mud slinging, when you are in a heated argument. And more then anything else, no matter what any of us have done it is all sin. Sexual sin is not any better or worse then any other sin we commit. Yes, there are serious consequences to sexual sin. There is major healing to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt. But like any sin, with repentance comes forgiveness.

It took some time for me to process through what it means to forgive. I didn't want to tell him he was forgiven if I didn't mean it. I forgave my husband. It does not mean it's forgotten. It is still a big part of our lives, but not the sin anymore. It's a big part of our lives because of what God did in our lives through the sin and struggle. Forgiveness changed our focus.

But it's not enough for the betrayed spouse to offer forgiveness. The one who sinned not only needs to accept the forgiveness God offers, and the forgiveness their spouse offers, but they have to come to a place where they can truly forgive themselves. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for my husband. He struggles to forgive himself for what he did. The guilt and shame have lessoned. But regret, that one is the hardest to shake.

Regret is like asking yourself "what if?". What if you made a different choice? What if you had come clean sooner? What if you went to a different school? Or didn't go to that party? Regret is wishing you didn't do what you did and knowing there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It's wishing things were different. Wishing you could take it back. Wishing you hadn't hurt the person you love. You can no more change the past then predict the future. How do you let go of regret? We're still trying to figure that one out.

Just remember, God is weaving a story in your life. If you hadn't done this or that, your story wouldn't be what it is today. God uses the good and the bad in your life to mold you into a better you. The desire to undo the past is like telling God He made a mistake. Where you are today, who you are today, is okay with God. He can work with anyone. Instead of regretting the past, try committing to a better future, making different choices, and living for Him.

When Your World Falls Apart

It may help if you read "The Crisis" (the tab at the top of the page) so you understand where I'm coming from here.

Have you ever tried to hold your breath underwater as long as you possibly can? Or had the wind knocked out of you when you've fallen hard? There is a moment of panic. When you know you need to breathe, but you don't know if you'll get to the surface fast enough. You want to breathe, but you can't catch your breath.

Can you relate?

I can go back in my mind to the night my husband told me about his affairs very easily. I try not to go there. There isn't really any reason to. Reliving it in my mind without a good reason for it isn't helpful. But I'll go there with you, if I thought it would help. I'm not afraid. Because the "worst" night of my life is also the best night. It was our turning point. Our defining moment. The beginning of a whole new life. The most horrible, painful night was also filled with hope.

Imagine it's storming outside and the lights go out. It is pitch black. You can't see anything. Fear starts to creep in. You fumble about looking for the flashlight you thought you put in the drawer, but the kids moved it so now when you need it it's no where to be found. You get your hands on a candle. Oooh, it smells like mulled cider. But you can't find the lighter or a match, anything to help you to be able to see again. And finally, you find it, pull the trigger, and a dim flicker of light sparks at the end of the lighter. You're in business. Candles lit you can finally see where the flashlight is. It's not much, but it's enough to ward off the fear until the electricity comes back on.

The antidote to darkness is light. You can hide in the darkness. You can't hide (very well anyway) in the light. You can't see anything, no details, no colors, nothing in the dark. You can see everything in the light. That's why I chose "Light in the Darkness" for the title of my blog. Because in my own life, it was the Light shining into the darkness that began our journey to healing. It was something that was once hidden being revealed and seen in the light that gave our marriage hope.

I believe that the truth and the Truth set my husband free. It was transforming from denial to acceptance. Vulnerability. Honesty. True, real, intimacy that can only be experienced when you come clean. This is what I hope for you. When you carry regret, shame, guilt all by yourself it will kill you. When you let the light shine in the darkness you will be set free.

This is a blog about what I've learned on this journey of healing. That what we have experienced can be used to help, encourage, and support other couples struggling to stay married despite sexual betrayal and sin. Everyone's experience is different. Things are working out in our marriage because of how our circumstances played out. Not all couples can or are meant to survive this. But I wish to give you hope. It is possible to overcome this. You can do it if you are both committed to making a change, if you are willing to forgive, and if you determine to have an authentic, truth-filled marriage. No more hiding. No more lies.