A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I love roller coasters; the anticipation as your "car" ascends to the highest peak, the "stomach in your throat" feeling as you ride up and over the top, and the adrenaline rush as the "car" races down, as it twists and turns, so quickly you hardly know where you are going. Perhaps it's the reckless abandon you experience when you voluntarily give up all control for the thrill of the ride. The higher and faster the better, atleast that was our motto before we had children and responsibilities. And as such, we rarely have the opportunity to ride them anymore.

When I look back on the years since my husband told me everything, I could pretty much summarize it as a roller coaster ride. Much of the ride consists of twists and turns you aren't able to anticipate. There are highs and lows that leave your stomach tied up in knots. Just when you think you have reached a plateau, down you plunge. At times I have found myself wanting off!

Each experience with betrayal is different; every circumstance, every heart, every walk with God, every response, every desire to change, every recognition of sin. I have often felt like we were blazing a new trail. No one quite understands how I feel. No one knows exactly how to "fix it" or how you should respond or when you should go or when you should stay. No one can say when you should be "over it" (and I know people who try).

To a certain extent it's like a balancing act where you need to find the middle or you'll fall off one side or the other. Too much angry and bitter or too much enabling and overlooking and you're off balance. Where is the middle ground? There is an appropriate time to take a hard line against the sin, but if your spouse is honestly working to make different choices and working alongside of you to heal the marriage, then you are called to forgive.

Obviously when it all comes out it feels like you're on one of those extreme roller coasters, highest, fastest, mostly loops, upside down and backwards. For a while you don't even know which end is up. As the years progress, your roller coaster downsizes, and if your lucky you find yourself on one of those runaway trains, fast then slow, up then down, but a little more palatable.

I don't know which roller coaster you're on or whether you have found the balance yet. Unfortunately no one can tell you the exact formula. That's between you, your spouse, and God to figure out. I can't explain how or why I came to feel some of the things that have gotten me through. Time has been an essential element because the ramifications of this type of sin are far reaching and they don't go away just because the truth is out. It's hard work on both of your parts to put the pieces back together trusting God will show you the way.

"Don't you know that evil people will not receive God's kingdom? Don't be fooled. Those who commit sexual sins will not receive the kingdom. Neither will those who worship statues of gods or commit adultery. Neither will men who are prostitutes or who commit homosexual acts. Neither will thieves or those who always want more and more. Neither will those who are often drunk or tell lies or cheat. People who live like that will not receive God's kingdom.

Some of you used to do those things. But your sins were washed away. You were made holy. You were made right with God. All of that was done in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
(1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

How Will You Know?

"Marriage is a momentary gift. I have only scratched the surface of its wonders and its wounds." (John Piper "This Momentary Marriage")

So how will you know whether or not your spouse will stay true? Only time will tell.

Betrayal tears away walls of trust that take years to build. It is a complicated world we live in when at any moment, anyone, anywhere can hurt us, physically or mentally or both.

There is something magical about time. You may have heard it said that "time heals all wounds". Think about losing someone close to you and you remember how difficult the first year was, every first that comes along without them here. But time does heal and we all get back to living. What else is there to do?

I think time is a gift from God. It's through the passing of time that we often see and understand a little bit more of what was going on "back then". Time offers fresh perspective on things in the past. Sometimes it's through time that God reveals some of His larger plan. Believing we are all part of something greater gives us hope and helps us to keep putting one foot in front of the other, especially through the struggles.

Time also gives change wings. Time is constantly pressing forward but so are our opportunities to make different choices and to change. Over time trust between my husband and I is slowly building. Like I have said before, through thought, word, and action I have been witness to my husband's heart change. He is not the man he was before and time has revealed that.

I have been asked, "what will you do if he betrays you again?". I have been mulling this over for awhile because I know what I want my answer to be and I know where I believe I stand. But truth be told I hope my heart is strong enough to resist the urge to run if something like that happened again. For me, FOR ME, I choose to embrace this covenant commitment I have made with my husband. It's easy to say when things are good that I won't give up on him. That I am not going anywhere. But I also know what it's like to be face to face with raw hurt and betrayal and how devastating it can be when your trust is in shambles. All I can say is that I am committed. I am planted deep in this marriage until God moves me. I cannot control whether or not my husband betrays me again. But I am not self-deceiving enough to think that I could not make a major mistake that requires the same grace from him some day. I hope that his commitment to me is as strong and true as mine is to him.

So time heals. It allows for second chances and change. It unveils some of God's plan and work in our lives and the lives of others. And ultimately, in a marriage, time means a commitment and a covenant to enjoy and work through hard issues with your spouse. Time is a gift of memories. And time means there is hope for all of us to know and love God more and more each day. That when we mess up today, we get another chance tomorrow.

Time is a gift.