Suspecting and Confronting (Part 1)

I was not one of those ostrich wives that happily preferred to hide my head in the sand. If anything, I was more suspicious and distrusting than most.

I didn't suspect my husband was viewing pornography until I found it on our computer that day. And I certainly never suspected my husband was having an affair with another woman. I was never naive enough to think he could never do that to me. In fact, unfaithfulness was one of my greatest marriage fears.

I have learned that liars always get caught at some point. It's like a built-in safety net and I have a great deal of faith in that.

I also believe that our intuition is stellar. You may not know specifically what's going on, but eventually, your gut will nag you into suspicion of something. Maybe you just have to ask the right questions?

Far too often, we talk ourselves out of or allow our spouse to minimize our suspicions. And I often left those conversations feeling selfish and guilty for second-guessing him.

We have a sin nature that doesn't like to get caught. Our shame and guilt is so powerful we would rather hide it from everyone then face the embarrassment and disappointment of others. The deeper we are in the sin, the harder it is to break free alone. So we're caught in this ugly spiral, in a state of contention, where right and wrong tug and pull at us, and we feel like there is no way out.

Cue the hope.

One of the best ways out of sin is confession. And maybe a close second is when someone who loves us confronts us about our sin. I shine a light over the darkness of my own sin or someone else does. Either way, I can no longer hide from it.

And that's a great place to start.

To be continued here…

Re-Defining Your Defining Moments

There are moments in our lives that are seared in. Memories anchored. Stakes driven deep into the ground — flag waving events. When you look back on the horizon of your past you see them there. You skip over the mundane and leap frog from defining moment to defining moment.

Perhaps they are firsts — like the first time you were kissed, the first time you drove in the car by yourself, when you graduated from high school, your wedding day, the birth of your children.

Some are good, happy moments. Some were shockingly hard.

Some run deep and still haunt you today. Ghosts that taunt you, accuse you, remind you of moments you might rather forget. Your deepest regrets, a loved one who's passed, a wound from abuse or betrayal.

Humans don't enjoy pain. We search for pleasure so we don't have to feel sadness, disappointment. We are looking for the next high, the thing that will fill us. We hate to suffer.

I tried denial. Denial was like administering local anesthesia. It was numbing. Denial helped me forget for a little while. But anesthesia wears off. And then there is pain.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, something did happen. And the wound inside hurts. The longer you go without treatment, the more infected it becomes.

No matter how I tried to outrun the pain, it caught up. For a while I thought I was dealing. I thought I was okay, that I was in control. I tried to chase the memories away, but no matter how far away I thought I had pushed them, they were still right there.

Childhood sexual abuse, a spouse that's betrayed you through adultery or pornography or both, whatever past pains you are running from, these are defining moments. Unchecked the negative experiences will wind up defining you — lies and all.

Healing became my only choice. I had to face the truth about my past and about my marriage so that I could actually move forward. So that I could focus on a future filled with hope and healing.

And I want that for you, too.

Acknowledging the defining moments of my past and seeing them in a new light, helped them lose their power to haunt and accuse. Because I am not what happened to me. I am not shame or guilt or to blame.

Healing helped me to re-define my defining moments, so by grace, I may accept my whole, beautiful and scarred story.

The Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts..." (JOEL 2:25)

Do you wear your past mistakes like a chain around your neck? Do you use them to prove to yourself and others what a wretch you are?

Let's assume that your spouse confessed everything to you. Full disclosure. There are no more secrets. You picked up the pieces after it all hit the fan and now you are trying to move forward, one step in front of the other. You are working together towards healing. There has been a HEART CHANGE.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you forgive?

Forgiveness was not quick and painless for me. Unfortunately, it seldom is. The deeper the hurt, the more complicated forgiveness feels. After we got through the crisis moment, the anger, the sadness, the grieving, I had to start the process of forgiving. Moving through the real emotions of dealing with the truth is part of the process of forgiving. But it's best not to stay in any one emotion for too long.

I got very stuck on the saying "Forgive and forget." I thought that's what it was all about. I mean Jesus says "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). He does not hold our sins against us as long as we repent and confess them to Him. And we need to make it right with the people we hurt along the way. But forgetting was always a sticking point for me. How could I ever forget?

Maybe "forgetting" doesn't necessarily mean it's erased from memory. Maybe forgetting means not letting it have dominion over you anymore. Not letting it infiltrate your life in a way that keeps you from being able to move forward. Forgiving is more about grace. Because we don't forgive someone only because they deserve it or earn it. Like grace, forgiveness is a gift given irregardless of whether they deserve it. Forgiveness is like a second chance. That your spouse does not wear the scarlet "A" on their chest all the days of their life. It is not fodder for mud slinging, when you are in a heated argument. And more then anything else, no matter what any of us have done it is all sin. Sexual sin is not any better or worse then any other sin we commit. Yes, there are serious consequences to sexual sin. There is major healing to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt. But like any sin, with repentance comes forgiveness.

It took some time for me to process through what it means to forgive. I didn't want to tell him he was forgiven if I didn't mean it. I forgave my husband. It does not mean it's forgotten. It is still a big part of our lives, but not the sin anymore. It's a big part of our lives because of what God did in our lives through the sin and struggle. Forgiveness changed our focus.

But it's not enough for the betrayed spouse to offer forgiveness. The one who sinned not only needs to accept the forgiveness God offers, and the forgiveness their spouse offers, but they have to come to a place where they can truly forgive themselves. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for my husband. He struggles to forgive himself for what he did. The guilt and shame have lessoned. But regret, that one is the hardest to shake.

Regret is like asking yourself "what if?". What if you made a different choice? What if you had come clean sooner? What if you went to a different school? Or didn't go to that party? Regret is wishing you didn't do what you did and knowing there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It's wishing things were different. Wishing you could take it back. Wishing you hadn't hurt the person you love. You can no more change the past then predict the future. How do you let go of regret? We're still trying to figure that one out.

Just remember, God is weaving a story in your life. If you hadn't done this or that, your story wouldn't be what it is today. God uses the good and the bad in your life to mold you into a better you. The desire to undo the past is like telling God He made a mistake. Where you are today, who you are today, is okay with God. He can work with anyone. Instead of regretting the past, try committing to a better future, making different choices, and living for Him.