American Idol: When Sex Takes Center Stage

Money and sex are the top two struggles for married people.

Our culture shares our affinity for them, dangling them daily in our faces, like a luscious carrot in front of a hungry rabbit. The fact that we buy into the myth that more money and more sex will bring us happiness is perhaps even more concerning.

The media, advertising, internet accessibility, ignorance, denial, even the Church — we need not look far to find someone to blame. Whether we are just gullible or we lack self-control, it's not difficult to fall into trouble in either one of these areas.

I could be wrong, but there seems to be a lot more shame circling issues with sex then with financial strain. We are confronted with sexual images and content every day and yet it's a subject we rarely talk honestly about with each other. And honesty is not brag sessions in the men's locker room. I cannot believe some of the stories that come out of those testosterone-filled chats and the way women are frequently disrespected and objectified.

Maybe if we were honest, we would find that most of us struggle with finding balance in the bedroom.

I'm not an expert, but I believe this ebb and flow is quite normal for most couples. But there are many other factors that effect intimacy in marriage.

I have written about my own issues emanating from childhood sexual abuse. And finding out several years into my marriage of my husband's struggle with pornography and adultery, which led to a diagnosis of sexual addiction.

These discoveries have revealed legitimate reasons for sexual dysfunction in our marriage. Trying to navigate this path together is often difficult, sometimes treacherous, and usually a bit lonely.

I don't have answers. I will never claim to have it all figured out. But I can invite you in and let you know that you aren't alone, if you're struggling here.

I can encourage you to investigate your role in the dysfunction and seek healing for whatever you find there.

We can pray — that both you and your spouse can talk openly about what is going on. That there will be understanding and compassion to deal with the disappointments, the unmet expectations, or the hurt feelings that might be sitting under the surface. That necessary truths will be revealed and hearts will be open because nobody likes to look at themselves in the mirror and take responsibility for the sins seen there.

I know what it's like when sex sits front and center of your marriage. I know the nights fraught with guilt when you haven't "given in" because what he wants from you is merely body and lacks the soul. And the moody mornings and pissy attitude that accompanies a night like that.

I have been there.

But thankfully anymore, only beauty and oneness and love come with the desire. And it feels safe and welcome. And because of this I can write hope — that growth and change are possible. That hearts can mend and marriages survive.

But you're not there yet. Stay, will you? Let's talk honestly and figure it out together.

Unraveling Lies That Make It Hard to Trust

Betrayal is unraveling.

Betrayal is unraveling.

Because tucked into every relationship is the hope that people will be faithful and loyal to you.

But is betrayal just a fancy word for disappointing my expectations?

It's okay to trust that a spouse will be faithful. But ultimately, trust is really just hope and there is no guarantee.

It might be okay if you were a good judge of people. Although, even trustworthy people make mistakes and let you down.

But if you were abused it might be harder to grasp. Especially when you tell yourself this,

If people loved you, they would not betray you. You are not important enough to love.

Guard your own heart, because no one cares enough to protect yours.

It felt like love, but you were obviously wrong about that. People use you.

Betrayals from my childhood sprouted these lies, but I listened for so long they sound like truth. And it feels impossible to see it any other way.

My childhood was full of love. My family was supportive and present. But I still wonder what love is supposed to feel like? Because maybe I can't trust myself.

So I build walls and I only let a few people really in because I'm sure one day they, too, will figure out who I really am and decide I'm not valuable enough to love, just like the others.

And as I grew, each betrayal, especially the affair, confirmed this for me.

I began creating these wild expectations of what it's supposed to feel like when people love me. And I have come to depend on it to affirm my worth.

Choose me. Accept me. Think of me.

And then when you don't, I'm back to the lies again. And I wonder if I was wrong about you because I have been so wrong before.

It's a terrible cycle that betrayal creates. And I'm hanging out here, today. Batting the lies around in my head. Wondering how I'll ever be free.

Suspecting and Confronting (Part 1)

I was not one of those ostrich wives that happily preferred to hide my head in the sand. If anything, I was more suspicious and distrusting than most.

I didn't suspect my husband was viewing pornography until I found it on our computer that day. And I certainly never suspected my husband was having an affair with another woman. I was never naive enough to think he could never do that to me. In fact, unfaithfulness was one of my greatest marriage fears.

I have learned that liars always get caught at some point. It's like a built-in safety net and I have a great deal of faith in that.

I also believe that our intuition is stellar. You may not know specifically what's going on, but eventually, your gut will nag you into suspicion of something. Maybe you just have to ask the right questions?

Far too often, we talk ourselves out of or allow our spouse to minimize our suspicions. And I often left those conversations feeling selfish and guilty for second-guessing him.

We have a sin nature that doesn't like to get caught. Our shame and guilt is so powerful we would rather hide it from everyone then face the embarrassment and disappointment of others. The deeper we are in the sin, the harder it is to break free alone. So we're caught in this ugly spiral, in a state of contention, where right and wrong tug and pull at us, and we feel like there is no way out.

Cue the hope.

One of the best ways out of sin is confession. And maybe a close second is when someone who loves us confronts us about our sin. I shine a light over the darkness of my own sin or someone else does. Either way, I can no longer hide from it.

And that's a great place to start.

To be continued here…

Worth Fighting For

A story continued from "Tell Me the Truth"…

I had to leave the room.

As the truth came pouring from his lips that night I knew I needed time. I sat in the rocking chair in the dark living room. I didn't know what to do. My husband had just told me he had an affair and had struggled intensely with pornography for years. Suddenly I doubted everything I ever knew.

Our toddler was sleeping soundly in the next room, oblivious to the chaos whirling outside his door. What debris would be left behind in the aftermath? Would our child's whole world change that night?

I suddenly found myself holding all the cards. I had the power to destroy my husband, but it would destroy our family, too. He had given it to me simply by being honest. We all had a lot to lose.

It's hard to go back there — to that awful, beautiful night. It was wrenching. I was so angry. So confused. I needed time to process — to make sense of the senseless.

And I loved him. Still loved him.

In my heart I knew, if he was really done with the hiding and was willing to work hard and get help, we were worth fighting for.

And this man I loved, he was lost and confused, just like me. And he needed someone to believe in him, to fight for him, and to show him he was worth it. And he is.

Healing produced a new found trust for both of us. I can trust in his commitment to be honest and accountable to me and to others in his life. And he knows that I will not take advantage of the power his honesty affords me. That I remain committed to our marriage and working through whatever comes up.

For my husband and I, the flicker of light in the darkness of that evening turned into the fullness of living in the light. It's not always easy. But it's better then the alternative.

Learning HOW to Love

I feel deeply.

In other words, I'm emotional. I prefer the former because the latter gets such a bad rap. Compassion and the feeling of love come fairly easy to me. I can often become overwhelmed by it. But it took some deep reflection and study to understand the action of love and loving others.

Is it any surprise that someone with a sexual addiction doesn't really know how to love?

For years, perhaps my whole relationship with my spouse, I have struggled to feel loved by him. Of course he was "loving". He said what I wanted or thought I needed to hear, he showered me with gifts and flowers to make me feel loved. But what he was doing was not actually love. It was still about him and how he was perceived by others. How often I was told by a friend or a co-worker how wonderful my husband was! I actually had one friend ask if I could clone him. He had everyone wrapped around his finger. It looked great on the outside, but what was going on inside was far more important. And at the time, he wasn't sharing that with anyone.

I'm not saying that dealing with my spouse's sexual addiction wasn't and still isn't hard. It is. But when I understood addiction better (thanks to reading "False Intimacy" by Dr. Schaumburg), I realized that love has nothing to do with the addiction. It was never a relationship he was after and as twisted as this may sound, there was some comfort in that for me.

Now many years and many counseling sessions forward of the crisis my husband and I continue to vary on our idea of love. A couple of years ago I felt led to revisit what it means to truly love another person. I read a book called "Love Walked Among Us" by Paul Miller. When you want to understand what love is SUPPOSED to look like, who better to look at then Jesus. He is love and He does it perfectly. We can love better when we study Jesus' example when He was here on Earth. I recently encouraged my husband to read it and it has been very powerful for him.

I know whatever we idolize we love. So if sex is your idol then not only does it become everything to you, in my spouse's case, it became the way he felt love. (I know in a general sense this is true for a lot of men.) But for him, it actually became the exclusive way he gave and interpreted love. Everything he did (that looked like love) was motivated by sex. And if there was nothing to be gained, he was impatient, self-centered, and uncaring when it came to others. Even people he was trying hard to love. He just didn't understand it. Love became disfigured and he was hard pressed to understand what it was supposed to look like, let alone how to do it. It became hard for him to receive love from me in any other way. And certainly impossible to feel the love God had for him.

The Paul Miller book has opened his eyes to what true love really looks like. Love is "forgetting our own needs in order to think about someone else" (70), it is not efficient (30), "love moves towards people...it doesn't leave them alone in their suffering or selfishness" (148). One of my favorite quotes from the book is, "If we mix love and self, we don't get a mixture of love and self -- we just get plain selfishness" (137). That's a convicting and challenging task even with a healthy understanding of love.

Sometimes I took for granted the fact that it is easy for me to feel deeply and have compassion for others. I suppose I can credit God for making me that way and for important people in my life for modeling that for me. Realizing that it does not come as easily to my spouse and yet expecting that of him has been difficult. There have been times when he has done things that have felt completely unlovable. It's hard for me to comprehend being able to make choices that are so selfish. Not that I do not struggle with selfishness. I would say it's our human default. You have to work to love others. If it came easily do you think God would have had to make such a big deal about it? Do you think he would have had to explain how a husband was to love his wife and vice versa (Ephesians 5; 1 Peter 3)? Do you think it would have been one of his most important commandments (Matthew 22:37-39)?

As I re-read this post today it can at times seem like I'm being a little harsh. Obviously to some degree my spouse can love and is today making great strides in this area. I'm sharing this today because learning how to love is just another step in a process of healing. We all have issues that contribute to relationship breakdowns. I am very fortunate to have a spouse who is open minded and willing to take these hard looks at himself. God has given him a heart to want to make changes, critical changes so that we can grow in love with one another. And for this I am truly thankful!

"What is it like to know that no matter how messed up you might be, the good shepherd looks at you with love, surrounds you with compassion, envelops you in his arms, and cares for the details of your life? Love begins, not with loving, but with being loved" (164).

Redeeming Love

The Lord said to me, "Go. Show your love to your wife again. She is loved by another man. And she has committed adultery. But I want you to love her just as I love the people of Israel. They turn to other gods. And they love to offer raisin cakes to Baal and eat them. In spite of that, I love my people."
HOSEA 3:1

There is a fictional story by Francine Rivers called "Redeeming Love". It is based on the biblical love story of Hosea and Gomer. In the context of this blog, "Redeeming Love" is about loving someone like Jesus. It's about not giving up on them. It's about loving someone even though they hurt you. It's about allowing God to use you in someone else's redemption story.

When betrayal touches your marriage it forces you to take a deep look at yourself. It tests your heart and reveals your own sinfulness.

I have read "Redeeming Love" twice. At my request, my husband also read it. I highly recommend reading this fictional story as a means of giving you a new perspective and encouragement in the struggle.

For me, this story was a beautiful way to see how deeply faithful and unconditional God's love is for each one of us. I don't claim to be "Hosea", but it is a role I can relate to in my commitment to my husband. And the redemption "Angel" experiences at the end of the book is worth all "Michael" fought for and all the hurt and pain his obedience cost him.

And I feel the same way. Praise the Lord!

Love Is

Love is supposed to be the heart of all we do and say. In our imperfection, we are consumed with ourselves and motivated to love by what we might gain. The latter -- our default -- is something we must work to suppress. We must choose compassion and understanding. We must put ourselves in other's shoes whether they are the right size or not.

To love is to give daily grace. How easy to see the mistakes, the poor attitude, the wrong in others. To love is to judge ourselves the same way we judge others. There is always more to the story if we care enough to find out.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13:4-7)

When your spouse has let you down, it strikes at the core of your marriage. It hurts in that "love place" where your deep longings, trust, and hopes live.

How can love hurt like this?

But the "standard" is the same for you as it is for your spouse. Can you love someone who has betrayed you?

Can you be patient, kind, compassionate, and forgiving (all of which is considered to be loving) when you have been hurt, especially in a big way, by someone that was supposed to be loving you?

How can you live out love unless you understand what Love is?

How can you give undeserved love, or grace, without knowing your deep need for it as well?

When I think about how I could stay married to someone who was not loving me, who cheated on me, who betrayed me, I see God. I see God working in my heart to love him. I came to understand that although his actions felt like they were about me and against me, that his struggle with sin was not about me at all. My husband was suffering and dying in his sin. That without love from me, he might have stayed in that place. That if I am called to love, then I am called to protect, trust, hope and persevere with my spouse no matter what. That despite actions that were quite unlovable, that God loved him and put me in his life for a reason. Even if that reason involved being deeply hurt. Even if the purpose was about being a part of saving my husband from himself.

I would want someone to love me that much!