It's been over half a decade since my husband confessed the most hurtful of his sexual sins to me. Up until that point, I had "only" found pornography on our home computer. At the time, I thought that was the worst of it. It would take several years after that discovery for the real truth to come out.
I will give all the glory for what has happened in my marriage to God. For it was only through His plan and work in my husband and I that I can even write this blog today. I could not have anticipated the depth of the valley I would be crawling through. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was going to learn.
Our life was not pretty. We dated for a long time before we were married. We had a lot of history. I thought I knew the man I was going to marry. I was very naive. I thought it was normal to fight a lot. I thought it was part of figuring out how to relate to each other. I loved him and couldn't imagine my life without him.
Once we were married it didn't take long for things to deteriorate. We fought constantly (or so it felt). We struggled with intimacy. My husband was aloof. Most of the time he was grumpy or angry. I always felt like there was something wrong, but he rarely shared what he was really feeling inside. We went to counseling to discuss our marriage issues, but the only thing that ever came out was that he had bought and viewed a pornographic magazine.
Things started to improve. We decided to have a baby. We found a new church. We fought less and got along more. Slowly, God was weaving a story. Like chess pieces He was putting us in the right places, with the right people, at the right time. Looking back I can see that God was preparing us for that night.
Feeling conviction from church and listening to Christian radio programs, like "New Life", God seemed to be drawing my husband to Himself. On his own he began reading "Every Man's Battle". The more he read it the more he began to feel like something was "wrong". God was changing his heart and the weight of his sin and shame was slowly killing him.
Then, one night after talking about what he had been reading in the "Every Man's Battle" book, I asked a question I had asked more times then I can count over the years. But this time, instead of lying, my husband answered it. His revelation began a slow and painful unfolding of the truth about what was actually wrong with him.
For nearly 10 years, my husband had been hiding sexual escapades, pornography, and a sinful affair that began just before and continued after we were married. To say I was shocked by all of this would be an understatement. We had troubles, but I had no idea all of this was going on and behind my back.
My husband had been struggling with a sexual addiction and didn't know it. He kept it quiet, secret. It lurked in the darkness. No one knew. He didn't talk about it to anyone. While he was participating in this sin he didn't know it was an addiction, but after he disclosed most everything that night, while our world spun chaotically about, we found trusted friends and counselors to lead us down the path of healing. Being a wife to a recovering sex addict isn't easy, but we have mutually made a commitment to the process and are in this marriage for the long haul.
This is our story. A story of light shining into the depths of darkness. A story of redemption and healing. A story that isn't finished, but we are writing it together.
There is hope...when there's "Light in the Darkness".
1. This Is My Solemn Vow