It may help if you read "The Crisis" (the tab at the top of the page) so you understand where I'm coming from here.
Have you ever tried to hold your breath underwater as long as you possibly can? Or had the wind knocked out of you when you've fallen hard? There is a moment of panic. When you know you need to breathe, but you don't know if you'll get to the surface fast enough. You want to breathe, but you can't catch your breath.
Can you relate?
I can go back in my mind to the night my husband told me about his affairs very easily. I try not to go there. There isn't really any reason to. Reliving it in my mind without a good reason for it isn't helpful. But I'll go there with you, if I thought it would help. I'm not afraid. Because the "worst" night of my life is also the best night. It was our turning point. Our defining moment. The beginning of a whole new life. The most horrible, painful night was also filled with hope.
Imagine it's storming outside and the lights go out. It is pitch black. You can't see anything. Fear starts to creep in. You fumble about looking for the flashlight you thought you put in the drawer, but the kids moved it so now when you need it it's no where to be found. You get your hands on a candle. Oooh, it smells like mulled cider. But you can't find the lighter or a match, anything to help you to be able to see again. And finally, you find it, pull the trigger, and a dim flicker of light sparks at the end of the lighter. You're in business. Candles lit you can finally see where the flashlight is. It's not much, but it's enough to ward off the fear until the electricity comes back on.
The antidote to darkness is light. You can hide in the darkness. You can't hide (very well anyway) in the light. You can't see anything, no details, no colors, nothing in the dark. You can see everything in the light. That's why I chose "Light in the Darkness" for the title of my blog. Because in my own life, it was the Light shining into the darkness that began our journey to healing. It was something that was once hidden being revealed and seen in the light that gave our marriage hope.
I believe that the truth and the Truth set my husband free. It was transforming from denial to acceptance. Vulnerability. Honesty. True, real, intimacy that can only be experienced when you come clean. This is what I hope for you. When you carry regret, shame, guilt all by yourself it will kill you. When you let the light shine in the darkness you will be set free.
This is a blog about what I've learned on this journey of healing. That what we have experienced can be used to help, encourage, and support other couples struggling to stay married despite sexual betrayal and sin. Everyone's experience is different. Things are working out in our marriage because of how our circumstances played out. Not all couples can or are meant to survive this. But I wish to give you hope. It is possible to overcome this. You can do it if you are both committed to making a change, if you are willing to forgive, and if you determine to have an authentic, truth-filled marriage. No more hiding. No more lies.
1. This Is My Solemn Vow