The Truth About a Post-Crisis Marriage

I have a "post-crisis" marriage.

I never heard it referred to in that way until I read this post by Sarah Markley called, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections." Her confessions got me thinking about my own life and marriage post-crisis. She makes many excellent points.

I think there are things that happen in life that you work through and ultimately get over, for lack of a better word.

And then there are big, defining moment kind of events that become part of your process.

I'm living with the latter.

It's not that I'm stuck in the past. And I have forgiven. By all accounts we are living in a redeemed marriage. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

But, like Sarah Markley writes,

"I never want any bio or blog post or talk I give to ever make it sound like this post-crisis marriage is easy. In fact it's really, really hard."

I think it's not only important to clear up any impression that a redeemed marriage is somehow magically transformed and perfect, but it's also important to remind people that just because a few, maybe even a good many years has passed, there is still work being done.

This is true in all marriages, I think. And I believe with all my heart that there is hope for marriages damaged by sexual betrayals of all kinds. And there are some that no matter how much you want to keep it together, the healthiest thing is to split. There is no judgement from me in that.

Staying despite betrayal takes a lot of work. And the crisis that brought us to this place to begin with — were really symptoms of deeper issues. Issues that continue to surface every now and then and often require counsel.

Some days I'm weary from the struggle. And sometimes my own problems get in the way. This is the reality of any life, redeemed or otherwise. And I hope to convey that as much as possible on this blog.

"In fact, it's a struggle each day to love well and like wading through mud to suppress our own selfish inclinations." Sarah Markley, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections"

Confession and Healing (Part 2)

This post is a continuation from here.

Confession or being caught doesn't necessarily secure a happy, walk away from my sin ending. There's far more to it than that.

Exposing the sin is just the beginning of a complex process. The spouse with the figurative pornography noose around his/her neck has to want to remove it.

By the time my spouse confessed, he was already fed up with himself. He desired change and spent too many years trying to do it on his own. Confession freed him from the burden he carried alone, but it wasn't easy and it sometimes comes with a cost.

But sometimes, a spouse is sorry he got caught instead of being sorry for the hurt he's caused or the sin itself. What do you do then?

I can't speak from that experience specifically since everyone's journey through this looks different. But I can tell you that sexual betrayal, via adultery or pornography or lust, impacts your marriage and requires healing for both husband and wife, whether there is repentance or not.

Dealing with the pain of betrayal is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but the work was necessary. My husband's sexual addiction became an opportunity for me to do some self-examining.

And since I chose to stay and fight for our marriage, I knew my attitude towards his healing would effect everything. I could remain withdrawn, bitter, and angry or I could become his biggest ally. Neither option was a guarantee that he would not slip again, but one could lead to more hiding and the other encourages open communication.

If you suspect your spouse is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction:

• Talk to him about it. Show him you are a safe person by the way you approach/respond to him.

• Share/confess your own sin. God knows you struggle, too! Does your spouse know you're not perfect either?

• Find help for both of you — good counseling, a marriage weekend/retreat, an addiction program, Every Man's Battle, addiction recovery support, healing from betrayal

• Establish accountability to protect him from temptations. Who can he call on when he's feeling tempted? Who can both encourage him and help pick him back up if he falters?

• Become partners/allies/teammates — together fighting against temptations. Can you help guard his heart? How can you help establish/support healthy boundaries for him/for both of you (what he sees, reads, hears)?

Suspecting and Confronting (Part 1)

I was not one of those ostrich wives that happily preferred to hide my head in the sand. If anything, I was more suspicious and distrusting than most.

I didn't suspect my husband was viewing pornography until I found it on our computer that day. And I certainly never suspected my husband was having an affair with another woman. I was never naive enough to think he could never do that to me. In fact, unfaithfulness was one of my greatest marriage fears.

I have learned that liars always get caught at some point. It's like a built-in safety net and I have a great deal of faith in that.

I also believe that our intuition is stellar. You may not know specifically what's going on, but eventually, your gut will nag you into suspicion of something. Maybe you just have to ask the right questions?

Far too often, we talk ourselves out of or allow our spouse to minimize our suspicions. And I often left those conversations feeling selfish and guilty for second-guessing him.

We have a sin nature that doesn't like to get caught. Our shame and guilt is so powerful we would rather hide it from everyone then face the embarrassment and disappointment of others. The deeper we are in the sin, the harder it is to break free alone. So we're caught in this ugly spiral, in a state of contention, where right and wrong tug and pull at us, and we feel like there is no way out.

Cue the hope.

One of the best ways out of sin is confession. And maybe a close second is when someone who loves us confronts us about our sin. I shine a light over the darkness of my own sin or someone else does. Either way, I can no longer hide from it.

And that's a great place to start.

To be continued here…

Fantasizing About Mr. Right

I'm not sure why, but my parents didn't talk much about the birds and the bees.

I learned about relationships from television and movies. I took notes on kissing from the soap operas the women in my life watched daily.

And I read romance novels. They certainly appealed to my blooming curiosity.

After a while they became quite predictable. Girl meets boy, they flirt, they fall in love, and everything is happily ever after. I was so enamored with that.

Every girl imagines finding the man of their dreams! And romance novels stirred my "knight in shining armor" desires and set me up with unrealistic expectations.

As I "matured," so did my taste in romance novels. And they became racier and racier as you can imagine.

My real life wasn't going so well then. My relationship with my new husband was shaky at best. I knew the Lord, but I wasn't in relationship with Him. And I was just coming to terms with the ramifications of childhood sexual abuse. There was a lot of turmoil. It's safe to say I was quite unhappy in my life and in my marriage.

Betrayal had shattered my trust of men. I started using fantasy as an escape — imagining in my mind the perfect life with an adoring and affectionate mate that would always chose me over anything else that happened to be going on. It was a welcome respite from the chaos and emotions of my real life.

I thought nothing of it then. But many years later, as my marriage relationship improved and we began the long road of healing from my husband's infidelity and sexual addiction, I realized what I was doing was wrong, too.

If my husband was going to be accountable for his lustful actions, so should I. And reading romance novels and fantasizing about Mr. Right in my mind were not honoring my spouse.

As much as I wanted to downplay it, explicit romance novels are a form of pornography (check out the definition). Although we may turn to romance novels, fantasizing, or other forms of pornography to find "fulfillment," all they serve to do is make you dissatisfied, especially with your spouse.

I believe pornography can be a struggle for women. And I have met women, even some in good marriages, that fight the urge to fantasize. If you can relate, please know you aren't alone.

I have not read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and I don't intend to. Call me a prude, but I don't want to get caught up in author EL James' personal fantasies.

My husband has worked so hard to protect himself, why shouldn't I?

In the same way that I want to be the focus of my husband's affections, I need to focus my affections on him.

So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet. (Matthew 18:8)

If you're confused about the role pornography may play in your marriage, read this article from Covenant Eyes.

Be honest with your spouse. You are teammates fighting for your marriage. Help each other, encourage each other, and try to avoid situations that lead to temptation.

And if you cannot avoid it, protect yourself from it. Do not allow yourself to be drawn back in. Stop the thoughts before they take you down a road you do not want to take.

The catalyst for me was experiencing true intimacy with my husband, both physically and emotionally. At that point, I no longer felt the need to escape because the real life we were working to build together was much better than anything I could dream up.

Re-Defining Your Defining Moments

There are moments in our lives that are seared in. Memories anchored. Stakes driven deep into the ground — flag waving events. When you look back on the horizon of your past you see them there. You skip over the mundane and leap frog from defining moment to defining moment.

Perhaps they are firsts — like the first time you were kissed, the first time you drove in the car by yourself, when you graduated from high school, your wedding day, the birth of your children.

Some are good, happy moments. Some were shockingly hard.

Some run deep and still haunt you today. Ghosts that taunt you, accuse you, remind you of moments you might rather forget. Your deepest regrets, a loved one who's passed, a wound from abuse or betrayal.

Humans don't enjoy pain. We search for pleasure so we don't have to feel sadness, disappointment. We are looking for the next high, the thing that will fill us. We hate to suffer.

I tried denial. Denial was like administering local anesthesia. It was numbing. Denial helped me forget for a little while. But anesthesia wears off. And then there is pain.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, something did happen. And the wound inside hurts. The longer you go without treatment, the more infected it becomes.

No matter how I tried to outrun the pain, it caught up. For a while I thought I was dealing. I thought I was okay, that I was in control. I tried to chase the memories away, but no matter how far away I thought I had pushed them, they were still right there.

Childhood sexual abuse, a spouse that's betrayed you through adultery or pornography or both, whatever past pains you are running from, these are defining moments. Unchecked the negative experiences will wind up defining you — lies and all.

Healing became my only choice. I had to face the truth about my past and about my marriage so that I could actually move forward. So that I could focus on a future filled with hope and healing.

And I want that for you, too.

Acknowledging the defining moments of my past and seeing them in a new light, helped them lose their power to haunt and accuse. Because I am not what happened to me. I am not shame or guilt or to blame.

Healing helped me to re-define my defining moments, so by grace, I may accept my whole, beautiful and scarred story.

Worth Fighting For

A story continued from "Tell Me the Truth"…

I had to leave the room.

As the truth came pouring from his lips that night I knew I needed time. I sat in the rocking chair in the dark living room. I didn't know what to do. My husband had just told me he had an affair and had struggled intensely with pornography for years. Suddenly I doubted everything I ever knew.

Our toddler was sleeping soundly in the next room, oblivious to the chaos whirling outside his door. What debris would be left behind in the aftermath? Would our child's whole world change that night?

I suddenly found myself holding all the cards. I had the power to destroy my husband, but it would destroy our family, too. He had given it to me simply by being honest. We all had a lot to lose.

It's hard to go back there — to that awful, beautiful night. It was wrenching. I was so angry. So confused. I needed time to process — to make sense of the senseless.

And I loved him. Still loved him.

In my heart I knew, if he was really done with the hiding and was willing to work hard and get help, we were worth fighting for.

And this man I loved, he was lost and confused, just like me. And he needed someone to believe in him, to fight for him, and to show him he was worth it. And he is.

Healing produced a new found trust for both of us. I can trust in his commitment to be honest and accountable to me and to others in his life. And he knows that I will not take advantage of the power his honesty affords me. That I remain committed to our marriage and working through whatever comes up.

For my husband and I, the flicker of light in the darkness of that evening turned into the fullness of living in the light. It's not always easy. But it's better then the alternative.

Tell Me the Truth

We had just gotten ready for bed. Settled under the covers, I reached over and turned the light on my bedside table off. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

He started. My friend told me his wife doesn't want to know when he looks lustfully at another woman. It's too upsetting for her.

I replied. Really? I'm just the opposite. I'd rather know. It's what I don't know that scares me the most.

And that's how it started. The conversation that began my husband's full and complete disclosure.

I was right. I did feel scared as he revealed a sexual history I had not been aware of. But in the midst of the pain and confusion I was feeling, I also felt…peace?

Yes, it was peace. I could deal with what was being laid out in front of me. Our room was still dark, but a flicker of light was shining out of that darkness.

It was truth. And I had waited a long time to hear it.

The beauty of his words of truth was that it was the start of something essential for our relationship. We were talking, honestly talking, for the first time in our entire marriage. This mixture of honesty and vulnerability was the hope I needed — our marriage needed — to have a future together.

I believe a marriage relationship cannot be strong without honesty and communication. When both husband and wife are willing to ask and answer the hard questions.

To tell me the truth, to risk losing it all, he had to trust me — and God. Because I had the power to destroy him and everything he held dear.

To be continued…

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 1

"It was so hard to believe that my husband's addiction to (sex or) porn had nothing to do with me." — Anonymous

So if your spouse's porn, adultery, or sexual addiction isn't about you, then why? Why wasn't I enough? Why did my husband look elsewhere?

There once was a sweet, innocent boy. He loved to play with He-Man and the General Lee. Like most boys he explored the woods, made stick swords, and searched for crayfish in the stream.

But one day, when he was six, he saw something. It hung on the grungy wall of a back office and it made him curious. It was the first time he had ever seen pornography. (When was the first time your spouse saw pornography?)

Already curious and intrigued by the new picture in his head, he spent much of his elementary years "chasing" girls. Oh, how his mother would giggle and prod when he took an interest in a little girl his age. "Is this your girlfriend?" she would tease. (How old was your spouse when he/she had his/her first "girl/boyfriend"?)

Along with the inappropriate pictures he now had in his head, when he was between the ages of six and ten he experienced child with child sexual abuse. Confused and overwhelmed, he never told anyone. (Was your spouse ever sexually abused as a child?)

By age thirteen, he started dating a girl several years older then him. She had already been sexually active and seduced him, experiencing sexual intercourse for the first time. (When was the first time your spouse started having sex?)

The foundation for my husband's sexual addiction was being built, brick by brick, from the time he was six years-old. By the time he reached college, he was walled in and it felt like there was no escape.

To be continued…

When Pornography Invades - Part 3

He arrived home early that afternoon, tail between his legs, so to speak.

I could tell by the look on his face he was sorry, but at that point I wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done or whether he was just sorry he had been caught.

I didn't want to imagine my husband ogling other women, let alone looking at THOSE pictures.

The conversation about finding porn on my computer is a blur. I know I didn't lose it. I didn't completely jump off the deep end.

Why did I find it that day? He had been so "careful" up to that point. He knew all the secret ways of hiding it, getting rid of it, so no one would know.

Maybe, deep down, he wanted to get caught? Perhaps he was tired of the facade.

Towards the end of our discussion, my husband told me that the hours between our phone call and arriving home had been agonizing for him, too. He had no idea how I would react. In fact, he thought this could have been the end of us. He had a lot to lose.

I would like to take credit for my reaction that day. I know I had a reaction. I didn't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen.

I also know that I gave him a clear boundary, without threatening him. Looking at porn, especially when he was supposed to be caring for our child, was not acceptable.

He had betrayed my trust and I wasn't really sure what it would look like to rebuild it. But I could also tell that he was sorry, repentant sorry, and embarrassed.

If you read my story, you know that this was the first of many very difficult and painful disclosures.

When my husband revealed his affair to me it was about a year or so after I found the pornography.

And before his new confession came flooding out, he remembered —

How when he thought it was the end for us, we committed to working through it. And how that gave him hope when it came time to tell me the worst.


Click here to read part 1 of this story; here for part 2.

When Pornography Invades - Part 2

My heart thumped loudly as I dialed. A cocktail of panic and anger stirred as I listened impatiently to the ring-ringing.


The call began in usual fashion. We discussed the morning routine of our toddler as my mind, like an out of body experience, wandered away from my body. Like a robot I answered his inquiries, worried my emotions would betray me as I searched for the "right" words.

Is there something wrong? He saw through my act.

I found something. We should talk about it when you get home.

Tell me now. You are scaring me.

So I filled him in on what I found on my laptop that afternoon. I explained how confused and angry I felt. And we reluctantly agreed to wait until he got home from work to talk about it further.

I felt betrayed. I wondered how long this had been going on in my home without me knowing.

How did I not know?

So I waited for an excruciating couple of hours, agonizing over what this all meant and wondering —

Wasn't I enough?

To be continued…


Click here to read part 1 of this story.

When Pornography Invades - Part 1

I was searching for something and what I found was not at all what I was looking for.

It was a day like any other. I spent the morning caring for my eighteen month old and was enjoying the respite of nap time.

I was looking for a missing file on my laptop when it hit me like a slap in the face. An image now seared in my memory.

My body froze as the warm burn of anger and disbelief rose within me. It was the first time I found pornography. The first time I became aware of its ugly invasion into our home.

What should I do?

A barrage of questions formed quickly in my mind as my heart raced to make sense of it all. I searched frantically for more files as I grew more and more impatient.

After filling the virtual trash can with all the filth I could find, I made an impulsive phone call. I didn't know what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

To be continued...

Sharing Ideas: When Your Husband's Having An Affair

Came across a blog post that I thought might be a good resource to share. It is entitled, "What To Do When You Discover Your Husband's Been Having An Affair", written by Sheila Wray Gregoire at …to Love, Honor, and Vacuum. She makes five really important points to consider when you are in the crisis. I hope you'll check it out!

She's also written a post about "How to Stop an Emotional Affair". Although my husband's affair was physical (not emotional) I know a lot of men and women have struggled with emotional affairs. I encourage you to see what Sheila has to say on this topic, as well.

Miss Consin's House - PART 2

This is the continuation of a post written by a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction (read Part 1). This past July, she & her husband had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

In our group class during our week at biblical intensive counseling, Dr. Schaumburg used the word “depravity”. I don’t recall hearing that term before. After doing a quick internet search I’ve come to understand that “depravity” describes the sad state of our human existence, not just in times past, before our sins were forgiven by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but the sinful nature that all of us struggle with, even today. These sinful tendencies are so corrupt and so far gone that we could never enter into the presence of God had it not been for that offering of salvation by our precious Lord.

I was brought to my knees once again just weeks ago as I was helping my 6th grade son gather books for a research paper on “idolatry”. As we searched the library for books and I began to read excerpts from some of them I was humbled to learn that idolatry, in its more abstract form, is not just bowing down to a tangible golden calf statue as referenced in the Bible, but also “replacing God with something we revere more than Him.” I am sure it was not by chance that God placed the idea of idolatry as a research topic in this situation. God has a remarkable and unmistakable way of getting our attention!

As humans we are all guilty of replacing God, at some point or another in our lives, with something we revere more than Him. Deep down in our innermost beings there is a core of selfishness—a craving for self-gratification and we will seek it out any way we can get it. Personally, I have replaced God many times in my life without even realizing that was what I was doing. The most recent thing I continually replace God with is my reliance upon food for comfort. I often used my husband’s sexual addiction as an excuse because “I” needed comfort. Instead, I should have relied upon God for that comfort and not replaced Him with food to numb the pain from emotional hurts. Literally days ago, as I was flipping through radio stations in my car, I stumbled upon a Pastor’s sermon that caught my interest. He described how many people make New Year’s resolutions to eat healthier and go to the gym to exercise, but after a few weeks they go back to their old habits. Why? He said it was because of our deep down sinful, selfish desires—doing and getting what we want, when we want. So we can blame other things or other people for not doing what we know we should do, but ultimately we are responsible for our own sin.

There is a deep connection between this idea of idolatry and sexual sin. I wanted to share some of the “tweets” Dr. Schaumburg has written on this very subject.

• March 3, 2012: “The thing that keeps us from spiritual and sexual maturity is spiritual self-idolatry.”

• February 24th: “Sexual sin is always the act of self-will; turning from God to self. Sexual sin is always self-idolatry.”

• November 2nd : “All sexual sin is a symptom of placing one’s self above God. This is idolatry!”

• October 20th: “Covetousness is idolatry for the sole reason that we are satisfied by things rather than satisfied by God.”

• September 30th, he references Thomas Watson by saying: “There is no idol like self where I admire my own words, ideas, achievements, and possessions.”

Over six months ago I was asked to contribute to this blog, but until now I have struggled with my own selfish tendencies. I went in the opposite direction from where God was leading me. Ever since that early summer morning at a picnic table in Wisconsin, I have felt a strong nudge from the Holy Spirit to respond to the sin in and around my life the way I know God wants my heart to respond. Sometimes I feel like Jonah must have felt as he was going against what God asked him to do by not going to Nineveh. Sometimes I do only what I want instead of what He wants.

Easter weekend is here as I sit writing this, very humbled. I have asked two friends to pray for me—to intercede on my behalf so that I will do the will of God as He has called me to do. He can do through me what I humanly cannot do on my own. There is much more to what God has implored me to do besides putting pen to paper just now. But writing this is a fresh start in turning away from my comfort zone and heading straight towards Nineveh. Our own “Nineveh’s” are unique to each of us. I urge you to seek deep within your heart and ask God if there is something He wants you to do that you’ve not done and pray about that right now.

Searching for the elusive “Miss Consin’s house” put me on a path of discovery. There is so much more I learned and am still learning as a result of attending Dr. Schaumburg’s conference. I am so incredibly thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to go and for the constant nudging of the Holy Spirit to keep at it and never let go.

Email me at Light in the Darkness if you are interested in more information regarding this intensive counseling or have a question for our "Guest Blogger" and I will make sure I forward them on.

Miss Consin's House - PART 1

Through this blog I met a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction. This past July, they had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

This summer my husband and I left our two young sons with their Grandparents for an entire week while we attended biblical intensive counseling with Dr. Harry Schaumburg. When we returned from our trip, our youngest son showed me a picture on the front of a vacation home rental magazine and asked, “Is this Miss Consin’s house where you stayed on vacation?” I had to laugh—it was sweet. He had heard us talking about going to Wisconsin for the counseling and thought we said Miss Consin. In all reality, we never met Miss Consin, but we did spend a lot of time with Harry Schaumburg, Ph.D. More importantly, though, we spent a lot of time with God and each other.

During the 14-hour drive up there I had a self-righteous feeling brewing inside of me. After all, I wasn’t the offender in this marriage. We were going there to deal with my husband’s sexual addiction. During our evening orientation Dr. Schaumburg asked that we spend the next morning having a quiet time apart from our spouse. He gave us each a specific Bible verse/passage to read and specific guided questions to ponder and pray about. Little did I know that through the prepared scripture and study questions, I was about to embark on something that would change everything.

That Monday morning, as I sat alone at a picnic table overlooking the waterfront, I was brought to my knees by our Sovereign God, who called me out on my own iniquity. Although we were ultimately there as a result of what happened in our marriage I quickly realized that this week was going to be about our own individual relationships with God, first and foremost. We would, of course, be discussing the concerns about our relationship as a couple, but God demands first that I be more concerned about my own sin towards Him.

Through our counseling sessions I learned many things about myself that I never anticipated at the outset of this journey. It started by looking deep into my heart. There I found selfishness that took me by surprise. For years, I put a label on myself as a “person with low self-esteem”. I did not think I had much value and worth. But under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to see something very different. Selfish pride was right there in my heart the whole time. Pride that demands, “I am indeed important….so important in fact that my husband deserves to feel guilty for what he has put me through in this marriage! Poor, pitiful me.”

Expecting to see evidence of low self-worth, I instead caught a glimpse inside my soul. I wanted my husband to pay for how much hurt he caused me. But what rocked me to the core was how God turned my thinking 180 degrees in an instant. He showed me that even though I have offended God, He doesn’t make me pay for how much hurt I cause Him. There is no doubt I have caused Him hurt over and over and over again. He is worthy of all the vengeance of my betrayals towards Him but because He is a loving God He has forgiven my sinful and deceitful heart and I needed to figure out how to do the same for my husband.

To be continued...

Rise and Shine

Nobody likes that feeling. The one that starts in the pit of your stomach. The one that makes you so uncomfortable you just want to run away and hide.

Guilt is an ugly friend. Shame its evil cousin.

Hurts are too painful to face. Nobody likes that feeling.

I wish I could tell you differently. Pain is…painful. Guilt convinces us that it's all our fault. Shame tells us it's better not to think about it, feel anything.

For so many years I lived in the silence of denial, not wanting to face the hurt and betrayal of my own childhood sexual abuse. What did it all mean? Did I really want to know?

Flashes of memories, images better out of sight - out of mind. It is just better that way. You don't have to deal, you don't have to feel.

But I was way wrong.

Living in denial was hurting me. Although it felt like silence to me, I was drawing my own conclusions about what happened and why. I was believing the observations of my child eyes. I was believing lies…that somehow it was my fault, that somehow I should have known better. I was confused and I didn't know what to think about it, so I didn't. Or I tried not to.

What I know now that I didn't know then was the best thing I could have done was talk about it. That inside my own head I was deciding things about myself and others that were not true. My head was very subjective and of course, I took on all the guilt and shame of what had happened.

I was a married adult before I actually sought counsel. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe I just wanted freedom? Maybe for the first time I wanted to understand the what and the why. It never made sense to the little girl in me. I hadn't been protected. I had never been heard.

That little girl knew only to trust. She loved and trusted because that's what kids do. Children are naive. They don't know how to pursue others sexually. It was never my fault.


Perhaps this is why I feel so strongly about something a friend of mine is working on. She writes a blog called Tamar's Redemption where she discusses sexual abuse, motherhood, and life. She is also a writer. Her own personal experiences with childhood sexual abuse led her to write a children's story, a tool for the prevention of childhood sexual abuse. She has started a non-profit organization called "Rise and Shine Movement" and is on the cusp of launching a website. On the website you will be able to view her children's book and find valuable resources for protecting your children from sexual abuse. Rise and Shine Movement is on Facebook if you are interested in getting more information about the organization.

For those of us who were not protected, it is a mission I believe strongly in. Back when I was a kid, no one was talking about this. Parents didn't know they needed to protect their kids from this. And if they did, resources were not readily available. We must talk to our children now about sexual abuse. We must equip them so they know what to do should someone try to abuse them. As parents, we need to become educated so we can do all that we can to protect not only our own children, but all of the children in our life.

Please join me in supporting my friend, Carolyn, in her mission to empower adults to protect children from sexual abuse. "Like" the Rise and Shine Movement on Facebook. Read her blog, Tamar's Redemption. Share her message with a friend. Once the website is up and running check it out and consider joining the movement.

UPDATE: The Rise and Shine Movement website is now up and running. Please check it out: www.riseandshinemovement.org

How To Help A Loved One Battling The Storm

After years of healing from my husband's admissions I am not afraid to talk to others about my experience. I always held fast to the idea that part of the good that could come out of such a dark time in my life would be in helping others put the pieces back together or at the very least realize that they are not alone. As such I have met several women who were in the throws of dealing with an unfaithful spouse. I don't know statistically speaking, but I'd say most marriages do not survive.

The perspective of this blog is from a marriage that did not end. I have no idea which path is easier to take and frankly, does it even matter? For each of us we have a choice, to stay or not to stay. I believe God leads the answer to this. I know the pivotal factor for me was my husband's brokenness and desire to make major changes. By the time my husband confessed, God had already been working on him for several years. My husband knew what he wanted and it included me. He was done with the lies and was actively seeking freedom from the chains of sexual addiction. He was ready and willing to do everything within his power to change and allow God to change him, no matter how difficult it was going to be. Conversely, God was working in my heart to accept my husband, the infidelity and all his flaws, so that we could actually work together to rebuild what sexual sin had broken apart.

Whether you choose to stay or not, we have all experienced the pain, often shock, of finding out our spouse has been unfaithful. We have all cried and screamed trying to make sense of it all. As the details slowly unfold, we have experienced confusion and self-contempt as we ask ourselves "how did we not know this was going on?" or "how could he?". This is the pain we share. I remember feeling very alone. At the time not having someone I felt comfortable enough confiding in, reeling and wondering if there was really anyone I could trust?

I have friends who are trying to support loved ones who just found out their spouses were unfaithful. Friends who don't know how to help. What does wise counsel look like in the midst of this?

1. Be a listening ear.
Betrayal is a very lonely place. It causes self-doubt and you tend to isolate because trust becomes such a difficult issue for you. If your spouse could betray you then is anyone really trustworthy? Be available to them. Give them a shoulder to cry on. Call them and check on them. There were many days when I was hurting so badly yet wanting someone to care, to make sure I was okay.

2. Be a reminder that they are not alone.
Adultery is commonplace anymore, but people rarely talk about it unless it ends very badly. Help them to see that there are other people that understand their pain. Even Jesus was betrayed.

3. Reflect the truth back to them.
There is a stigma associated with being the one betrayed, if not put on them by the world they put it on themselves. "I was betrayed because there is something wrong with me." Too fat, too skinny, not enough sex, blah, blah, blah. You name it we will find ways to blame ourselves for the whole thing. It may be true that it takes two, but adultery, lust, pornography, any sexual sin is a choice, a sin, and they are responsible for that. Many people willing to have an affair have deep issues of their own (having nothing to do with you).

4. Encourage professional wise counsel.
In the heart of my crisis, I did not want to reach out to a counselor. I didn't really know what I wanted or what I was supposed to do. A kind friend and counselor called me up and offered to meet with me to talk about what was going on. I am so glad I did that. Both my husband and I went to intense counseling during the height of the crisis. Although the frequency of the counseling has lessoned, we still seek counsel when things come up. I can think of nothing better then having objective counsel to deal with the depth of the issues betrayal reveals, even if you choose not to stay married.

5. Don't spouse bash.
As the betrayed spouse is sorting and sifting through all the ramifications of what has happened TRY NOT to bash on the offending spouse. I'm not suggesting you do not offer an honest opinion on the situation or what he/she has done, but it should only be done in an effort to help and encourage. Besides, you never know what God has planned for their marriage and staying together might be a viable option for them.

6. Walk beside them.
The journey of healing from this kind of betrayal is usually long and hard, especially if they choose to stay together. You should understand that this is a process and just because they are no longer in crisis does not mean they don't need your support. Things are not going to be better for awhile. They will experience many ups and downs. They will need time to rebuild trust. There is nothing more meaningful then a friend who commits to walking this journey with them. A friend that they can hash things out with, bounce things off of, and who is willing to speak truth to them.

There are many ways a spouse can commit adultery. According to the Bible, "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Just like there is no such thing as a "little" abuse, I believe betrayal is betrayal. It hurts the same, it destroys the same. I believe a spouse who commits adultery (and the man or woman they do it with) have deep issues. Issues that usually require professional counseling. Sometimes the lustful spouse has a sexual addiction they don't even know they have. Part of your process may include encouraging them to get the help they need before you can even focus on repairing your relationship.

If you have been betrayed or you are looking to help someone who has been, please see the book resource tab at the top of this blog for more information. And as always, I invite you to email me with any questions, concerns, or comments you may have.

The Christmas Gift

We are on the brink of Christmas. The next few days will be a flurry of activity, jaunting from here to there, spending time with family, giving and receiving gifts. Tis the season to be utterly distracted, frazzled, and hurried.

I try not to lose sight of it...the Christmas miracle; a baby conceived from the Holy Spirit, God made flesh, Immanuel, "God with us". I put myself in her shoes, Mary the mother of Christ. There was a cost for her obedience, but she remained faithful. The others could not understand, to them she had sinned. Joseph submitting to God's plan. They were chosen for this.

In all my wonderings, shame, and guilt trying to be whole, I try to remember that I am not the only one who has suffered. Jesus came to die. He came to die. He, too, was betrayed, misunderstood, hurt. His coming was a gift in so many ways, the biggest, the cross. He walked where we walk, He felt what we feel. His gift an understanding Father who knows injustice, tragedy, pain.

Sexual abuse robs you in so many ways. I lived in denial for such a long time, convincing myself that what happened to me didn't matter. I avoided the memories like the plague. Who wants to remember that? It wasn't until I started counseling that I found my voice for it. The first step was admitting what had happened. The second was receiving validation that what happened mattered. The third, it wasn't my fault. Unraveling the mess internally, understanding for the first time how much it effects, infects everything you think, see, and hear...it was not an easy task. I never knew how chained to it I had become. The very thing I wanted so desperately to run away from became more and more tightly wound within me. It takes time to cut the chains, link by link, yard by yard.

I cannot suggest that my sexual abuse was a gift. Maybe it was, although I'm not sure I'll ever honestly see it that way. In anger I have pounded my fists demanding to know why. I am stubborn and my God is good. What remains from the ashes of our suffering? A chance to learn, perhaps? To grow. To realize how much I need Him? I am not angry (anymore).

What I found in my ashes was a gift, Jesus. He is my answer to why. A baby in swaddling clothes, laying in a manger. A King who didn't look like a King. He was more then he seemed. What if nothing in my life is just as it seems? The abuse, the adultery, the losses, the grief, the disappointments, what if they are spiritual wake-up calls God allows to re-form and refine me? What if things in my life that seem bad to me are actually Graces to help me?

"We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

As we celebrate the birth of Christ this Christmas, may we also understand the depth of this gift.

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:13-15)

Redeeming Love

The Lord said to me, "Go. Show your love to your wife again. She is loved by another man. And she has committed adultery. But I want you to love her just as I love the people of Israel. They turn to other gods. And they love to offer raisin cakes to Baal and eat them. In spite of that, I love my people."
HOSEA 3:1

There is a fictional story by Francine Rivers called "Redeeming Love". It is based on the biblical love story of Hosea and Gomer. In the context of this blog, "Redeeming Love" is about loving someone like Jesus. It's about not giving up on them. It's about loving someone even though they hurt you. It's about allowing God to use you in someone else's redemption story.

When betrayal touches your marriage it forces you to take a deep look at yourself. It tests your heart and reveals your own sinfulness.

I have read "Redeeming Love" twice. At my request, my husband also read it. I highly recommend reading this fictional story as a means of giving you a new perspective and encouragement in the struggle.

For me, this story was a beautiful way to see how deeply faithful and unconditional God's love is for each one of us. I don't claim to be "Hosea", but it is a role I can relate to in my commitment to my husband. And the redemption "Angel" experiences at the end of the book is worth all "Michael" fought for and all the hurt and pain his obedience cost him.

And I feel the same way. Praise the Lord!

A Bump In The Road

There is a speed bump in a local shopping center that I don't like. No matter how you drive over it, no matter how slowly and carefully you maneuver, it shakes, bumps, and bounces you every which way.

Well, we have hit a bump in the road. Six months ago a "misunderstanding" among friends sent my husband for a loop. I knew he was struggling to process through it. I had gone through my process, forgiven, moved on, but he was stuck. I had no idea six months later that the loop he was sent on was more like a tailspin.

Finally coming to the light in the last few weeks, in some ways it feels like deja vu. Almost seven years to the day my husband confessed his sexual sin and infidelity and we are back to the confessional. Somehow in the last few months firm lines between sexually appropriate and not became blurred. We are still trying to understand how that could happen, after all we have been through.

Last night I "lashed out". I cried and yelled my frustration to him. Seven years of working on trusting him. Seven years into a new commitment to honesty and light and we're back to half-truths and hiding again. I was anything but grace-filled last night.

This morning I apologized. I don't want this to erase seven years of growing and healing. I want to offer him grace because we all make mistakes. We all get caught up. We all justify and make excuses. We all try to escape, instead of face the hard stuff.

I am sharing this because I want you to know that seven years forward of the crisis, we are still learning to live with this. But in some ways, we have perhaps become too comfortable in our routine. Accountability meetings between my husband and his friend have become less questioning and more sharing life. Safe guards that were set up long ago have become compromised. Somewhere, somehow he just stopped going to counseling. We have let down our guard.

Everything I wrote in my last post is still true. "Even if" ___________...we are going to be alright. I have confidence in this. I could never pretend that I have it all figured out. I do not FEEL like an expert in this area. It's as if we are walking a path unknown and unchartered. Each day, each month, each year not knowing what "recovery" means for us and trying to figure it out along the way.

This speed bump has tousled us around, but we will get to the other side. It may not always be smooth sailing, but it's in times likes these that I trust that God is at work again, revealing this chink in our armor so we can protect ourselves and not let our guard down. Sexual addiction is a disease. You don't wake up one day free from those chains this side of heaven. It takes work, hard work, and a commitment to the light.

Yes, Even Then

It's been seven years since the truth came out. To be honest, there have been moments (not surprisingly) when I've wanted to throw in the towel. So what kept me here that day and keeps me here now?

Faith.

Formost a faith in Jesus. In who He is. In what He has promised.

I believe faith and hope keep me right where I am. Faith to know that He has a plan and a purpose for all things, including me. Faith that God can do ANYTHING. Faith that He is working and moving in my life and the lives of those around me. Faith that whatever happens, He can use it to His glory. He can redeem it. He can use it.

Living out this faith day to day is not always easy. When bad things happen, when people hurt you, when you feel stuck; it's hard to not give up or run away. It's difficult to not get caught up in the here and now of what is happening and feel like there is no hope.

My faith is not assurance that I won't struggle or that everything is going to be easy. My faith gives me confidence in Him, not in me. Because I know that I cannot react without sinning. I feel angry, disappointed, impatient, even hopeless sometimes. Other people break their promises, other people hurt me, disappoint me. Situations can overwhelm me. Sometimes I think we have worked through something to have it resurface again and again. How could one not give up?

Faith.

I read a book by Joanna Weaver called "Lazarus Awakening". It talks about 3 specific kinds of faith she wants to have. The faith of "even if", "even though", and "nevertheless".
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Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it...But EVEN IF he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your Gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"EVEN THOUGH the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; EVEN THOUGH the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; EVEN THOUGH the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, YET I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Matthew 26:39 (emphasis added)

"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; NEVERTHELESS, not as I will, but as you will."

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"Even if" my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be, "even if" my husband cheats again, "even though" I was sexually abused as a child, "even though" I was betrayed, "nevertheless" I have faith in Your plan and Your promises, "nevertheless" Your will not mine, "nevertheless" You are still God and You know better then I.

Throughout these years of dealing with and healing from betrayal I have seen God's faithfulness in my life and in our marriage. I have gone to the pit and out again many times. While in the pit I have wondered if this is all worth it. I start to lose hope...and faith. And then I am reminded that God has not and will not leave me there. Hold tight to your faith, especially in the darkest of moments, because you know God has you. He has you! He will not let you go!