He arrived home early that afternoon, tail between his legs, so to speak.
I could tell by the look on his face he was sorry, but at that point I wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done or whether he was just sorry he had been caught.
I didn't want to imagine my husband ogling other women, let alone looking at THOSE pictures.
The conversation about finding porn on my computer is a blur. I know I didn't lose it. I didn't completely jump off the deep end.
Why did I find it that day? He had been so "careful" up to that point. He knew all the secret ways of hiding it, getting rid of it, so no one would know.
Maybe, deep down, he wanted to get caught? Perhaps he was tired of the facade.
Towards the end of our discussion, my husband told me that the hours between our phone call and arriving home had been agonizing for him, too. He had no idea how I would react. In fact, he thought this could have been the end of us. He had a lot to lose.
I would like to take credit for my reaction that day. I know I had a reaction. I didn't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen.
I also know that I gave him a clear boundary, without threatening him. Looking at porn, especially when he was supposed to be caring for our child, was not acceptable.
He had betrayed my trust and I wasn't really sure what it would look like to rebuild it. But I could also tell that he was sorry, repentant sorry, and embarrassed.
If you read my story, you know that this was the first of many very difficult and painful disclosures.
When my husband revealed his affair to me it was about a year or so after I found the pornography.
And before his new confession came flooding out, he remembered —
How when he thought it was the end for us, we committed to working through it. And how that gave him hope when it came time to tell me the worst.
Click here to read part 1 of this story; here for part 2.
1. This Is My Solemn Vow