Sharing Ideas: When Your Husband's Having An Affair

Came across a blog post that I thought might be a good resource to share. It is entitled, "What To Do When You Discover Your Husband's Been Having An Affair", written by Sheila Wray Gregoire at …to Love, Honor, and Vacuum. She makes five really important points to consider when you are in the crisis. I hope you'll check it out!

She's also written a post about "How to Stop an Emotional Affair". Although my husband's affair was physical (not emotional) I know a lot of men and women have struggled with emotional affairs. I encourage you to see what Sheila has to say on this topic, as well.

Learning HOW to Love

I feel deeply.

In other words, I'm emotional. I prefer the former because the latter gets such a bad rap. Compassion and the feeling of love come fairly easy to me. I can often become overwhelmed by it. But it took some deep reflection and study to understand the action of love and loving others.

Is it any surprise that someone with a sexual addiction doesn't really know how to love?

For years, perhaps my whole relationship with my spouse, I have struggled to feel loved by him. Of course he was "loving". He said what I wanted or thought I needed to hear, he showered me with gifts and flowers to make me feel loved. But what he was doing was not actually love. It was still about him and how he was perceived by others. How often I was told by a friend or a co-worker how wonderful my husband was! I actually had one friend ask if I could clone him. He had everyone wrapped around his finger. It looked great on the outside, but what was going on inside was far more important. And at the time, he wasn't sharing that with anyone.

I'm not saying that dealing with my spouse's sexual addiction wasn't and still isn't hard. It is. But when I understood addiction better (thanks to reading "False Intimacy" by Dr. Schaumburg), I realized that love has nothing to do with the addiction. It was never a relationship he was after and as twisted as this may sound, there was some comfort in that for me.

Now many years and many counseling sessions forward of the crisis my husband and I continue to vary on our idea of love. A couple of years ago I felt led to revisit what it means to truly love another person. I read a book called "Love Walked Among Us" by Paul Miller. When you want to understand what love is SUPPOSED to look like, who better to look at then Jesus. He is love and He does it perfectly. We can love better when we study Jesus' example when He was here on Earth. I recently encouraged my husband to read it and it has been very powerful for him.

I know whatever we idolize we love. So if sex is your idol then not only does it become everything to you, in my spouse's case, it became the way he felt love. (I know in a general sense this is true for a lot of men.) But for him, it actually became the exclusive way he gave and interpreted love. Everything he did (that looked like love) was motivated by sex. And if there was nothing to be gained, he was impatient, self-centered, and uncaring when it came to others. Even people he was trying hard to love. He just didn't understand it. Love became disfigured and he was hard pressed to understand what it was supposed to look like, let alone how to do it. It became hard for him to receive love from me in any other way. And certainly impossible to feel the love God had for him.

The Paul Miller book has opened his eyes to what true love really looks like. Love is "forgetting our own needs in order to think about someone else" (70), it is not efficient (30), "love moves towards people...it doesn't leave them alone in their suffering or selfishness" (148). One of my favorite quotes from the book is, "If we mix love and self, we don't get a mixture of love and self -- we just get plain selfishness" (137). That's a convicting and challenging task even with a healthy understanding of love.

Sometimes I took for granted the fact that it is easy for me to feel deeply and have compassion for others. I suppose I can credit God for making me that way and for important people in my life for modeling that for me. Realizing that it does not come as easily to my spouse and yet expecting that of him has been difficult. There have been times when he has done things that have felt completely unlovable. It's hard for me to comprehend being able to make choices that are so selfish. Not that I do not struggle with selfishness. I would say it's our human default. You have to work to love others. If it came easily do you think God would have had to make such a big deal about it? Do you think he would have had to explain how a husband was to love his wife and vice versa (Ephesians 5; 1 Peter 3)? Do you think it would have been one of his most important commandments (Matthew 22:37-39)?

As I re-read this post today it can at times seem like I'm being a little harsh. Obviously to some degree my spouse can love and is today making great strides in this area. I'm sharing this today because learning how to love is just another step in a process of healing. We all have issues that contribute to relationship breakdowns. I am very fortunate to have a spouse who is open minded and willing to take these hard looks at himself. God has given him a heart to want to make changes, critical changes so that we can grow in love with one another. And for this I am truly thankful!

"What is it like to know that no matter how messed up you might be, the good shepherd looks at you with love, surrounds you with compassion, envelops you in his arms, and cares for the details of your life? Love begins, not with loving, but with being loved" (164).

Redeeming Love

The Lord said to me, "Go. Show your love to your wife again. She is loved by another man. And she has committed adultery. But I want you to love her just as I love the people of Israel. They turn to other gods. And they love to offer raisin cakes to Baal and eat them. In spite of that, I love my people."
HOSEA 3:1

There is a fictional story by Francine Rivers called "Redeeming Love". It is based on the biblical love story of Hosea and Gomer. In the context of this blog, "Redeeming Love" is about loving someone like Jesus. It's about not giving up on them. It's about loving someone even though they hurt you. It's about allowing God to use you in someone else's redemption story.

When betrayal touches your marriage it forces you to take a deep look at yourself. It tests your heart and reveals your own sinfulness.

I have read "Redeeming Love" twice. At my request, my husband also read it. I highly recommend reading this fictional story as a means of giving you a new perspective and encouragement in the struggle.

For me, this story was a beautiful way to see how deeply faithful and unconditional God's love is for each one of us. I don't claim to be "Hosea", but it is a role I can relate to in my commitment to my husband. And the redemption "Angel" experiences at the end of the book is worth all "Michael" fought for and all the hurt and pain his obedience cost him.

And I feel the same way. Praise the Lord!

Yes, Even Then

It's been seven years since the truth came out. To be honest, there have been moments (not surprisingly) when I've wanted to throw in the towel. So what kept me here that day and keeps me here now?

Faith.

Formost a faith in Jesus. In who He is. In what He has promised.

I believe faith and hope keep me right where I am. Faith to know that He has a plan and a purpose for all things, including me. Faith that God can do ANYTHING. Faith that He is working and moving in my life and the lives of those around me. Faith that whatever happens, He can use it to His glory. He can redeem it. He can use it.

Living out this faith day to day is not always easy. When bad things happen, when people hurt you, when you feel stuck; it's hard to not give up or run away. It's difficult to not get caught up in the here and now of what is happening and feel like there is no hope.

My faith is not assurance that I won't struggle or that everything is going to be easy. My faith gives me confidence in Him, not in me. Because I know that I cannot react without sinning. I feel angry, disappointed, impatient, even hopeless sometimes. Other people break their promises, other people hurt me, disappoint me. Situations can overwhelm me. Sometimes I think we have worked through something to have it resurface again and again. How could one not give up?

Faith.

I read a book by Joanna Weaver called "Lazarus Awakening". It talks about 3 specific kinds of faith she wants to have. The faith of "even if", "even though", and "nevertheless".
------------------------------------------
Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it...But EVEN IF he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your Gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"EVEN THOUGH the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; EVEN THOUGH the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; EVEN THOUGH the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, YET I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Matthew 26:39 (emphasis added)

"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; NEVERTHELESS, not as I will, but as you will."

-------------------------------------
"Even if" my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be, "even if" my husband cheats again, "even though" I was sexually abused as a child, "even though" I was betrayed, "nevertheless" I have faith in Your plan and Your promises, "nevertheless" Your will not mine, "nevertheless" You are still God and You know better then I.

Throughout these years of dealing with and healing from betrayal I have seen God's faithfulness in my life and in our marriage. I have gone to the pit and out again many times. While in the pit I have wondered if this is all worth it. I start to lose hope...and faith. And then I am reminded that God has not and will not leave me there. Hold tight to your faith, especially in the darkest of moments, because you know God has you. He has you! He will not let you go!

"Undefiled"

I started reading a book by Harry Schaumburg called "Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships". My first encounter with Dr. Schaumburg was reading his book "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction". He is a speaker, author, and counselor and has been "pointing people away from sexual sin to restored intimacy with God and others" for nearly thirty years. I'd say he knows what he's talking about.

I bought the book hoping it would provide the "break through" I was looking for. I'm a little over half-way through the book and I haven't given up hope for that yet. He has a very honest, biblical perspective that I appreciate. It's not always easy to hear, but I appreciate it. Reminds me of reading "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender...a whole lot of truth and conviction. That's what we need, though, someone who is telling us the truth, even if it hurts or challenges our thinking.

In a nutshell, Dr. Schaumburg makes the point that the "path to freedom, purity, and restoration" are through sexual redemption. Perhaps I'll share a little more about that in another post (once I've finished the book), but for now, I'd like to write some quotes from the book that really struck a chord with me AND encourage you to read this book at some point, particularly if you and/or your spouse are struggling with the ramifications of sexual sin (pornography, adultery, or even childhood sexual abuse). This book assumes that you have a desire to have "sexual and relational healing".

From a biblical perspective, we are all sinners. Every day we are making choices that go against God. The choice to commit adultery, view pornography, lust...are because we are sinners. This is not a justification. I'm merely saying that when we ask "why did this happen?" or "how could they have done this to me" the basic answer is because we are sinners.

(emphasis added)

"Sin is a failure to let God be God. Ultimately, sin results from placing ourselves and our desires ahead of God."

"Sexual sin is enslavement to sexual activity, a state of mind, a self-centeredness that pushes away the truth. Even negative consequences of sexual sin do not produce change because they lack the ability to effect repentance."

"Conviction is a deep spiritual sorrow for sin. It is not disgust or shame of being caught."

"Without conviction and the application of grace the best we can hope to achieve is frustrating, long-term behavioral management versus authentic and lasting heart change."

"Behavior can be managed to a degree, but real change from the inside out is essential and is always the work of God."

"Repentance is what happens on the inside; it is not an effort to change behavior through a process of steps or choosing to look away when tempted to lust."

"Past experiences, good and bad, shape us, but they don't dictate or make us do what's wrong."

"...there is an Ultimate Reality greater than our painful situations. At all times we are to pursue the path that glorifies God."

"God in His judgment at the beginning of time and in His providence allows pain to come out of our experience of life. At the very beginning of time, Adam and Eve stepped out from under God's authority in an attempt to enhance their lives. Their rebellion led to God's judgement for both of them--pain, frustration, and futility. To this day we seek to avoid the reality of God's judgement. We choose a different path to deal with the profound disorder of all of life. The arrogance in us all that attempts to get control over all the difficult circumstances of life by our own efforts is a foolish attempt to question or replace a sovereign God."

Scars of Abuse

I was sexually abused when I was a child. I kept memories stuffed away for a long time. At one point, when I was a teenager, I approached my parents about what had happened. But it was too close to home for them, I think. They were not prepared and didn't know how to handle what I had shared. We never spoke about it again.

I was married in my early twenties. It was a rough time. We fought a lot. We did not have sex. We tried, mind you, but there was something holding us back. I'm not even sure I can explain how I felt. It was suffocating.

It was clear there was something wrong with me. This was NOT how the "honeymoon" was supposed to go. We were not "normal" or so we kept telling ourselves. Everyone else was having sex. I relented and started seeing a counselor.

Some days it was talking about the memories of my abuse. Some days it was discussing why my husband and I couldn't make it a week without fighting. I didn't know at the time there were separate issues going on there. I don't remember a lot about the "abuse therapy". I know it took a long time before I could get through a session without crying the whole time. Maybe it was grief. Maybe it was relief, to finally be able to talk about it. To get it out of that place I always stuffed it.

It certainly wasn't easy. It was quite painful, in fact. But what I didn't realize as I was busy shoving my memories back under the rug, doing whatever I could to not think about it, was that dealing with it would have been easier then trying to forget it. Because along with the memories, I was also shoving down the lies I had told myself about it. That it was my fault. I should have known better. I asked for it. And the memories and lies infested a deep part of who I thought I was. If it was my fault and I should have known better then I should feel ashamed. The lies also told me that I need to be in control. That I cannot let anything like that happen to me again. That I need to protect and rely on myself.

I was abused by a close relative. He was absolutely trusted. And he took advantage of me. And I went a long with it because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted him.

This deep shame has left a scar on me. It had robbed me of true intimacy with my husband. The shame kept me paralyzed. With hard work and God's help, however, I slowly began to unravel the shame enough to be intimate. Intimacy was scary to me because it meant complete vulnerability, being exposed and allowing myself to be "out of control".

The remnants of childhood sexual abuse are far reaching, especially if you haven't been able to properly deal with what happened and how it has effected you. The crazy truth is you are less alone then you think. The statistics are off the charts. I grew up in a day and age where we weren't really talking about sex or sexual abuse. But it's 2010 and one of the best ways to combat childhood sexual abuse is by shedding light on it, talking about it, becoming informed, and working to keep it from happening to the children in our lives.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened to me. But I can change the choices I make because of what happened. I choose to be a survivor. I choose to talk about it and heal those wounds so that I can live a productive life, free from those chains. It will always be a part of my story. And I believe through it God has taught me some pretty extraordinary things about myself. And he continues to show me the things I still need to work on. I may never be completely free from the "shame scar", but I refuse to be taken prisoner by it.

If you or someone you love is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, besides good counseling, I would recommend the following books (all of which are available through amazon.com):

"A Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender
"On the Threshold of Hope" by Diane Langberg
"When a Man You Love Was Abused" by Cecil Murphey

Website:
Rise and Shine Movement
Tamar's Redemption

Taking Actions Towards Healing

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:7-9)

So what now? If your spouse has confessed and together you have committed to doing whatever it takes to heal the marriage then what does that look like? How do you go on? How do you ever trust again?

Initially, we were in survival mode. We received immediate Christian counseling from someone prepared to handle the depth of our problems. We signed my husband up to attend the "Every Man's Battle" workshop and within a month he had attended it. The conference was critical and was a sign to me that he was actively working to make necessary changes. I read A LOT of books in an attempt to understand what we were dealing with and deep down I desired to know that I was not alone. That there were others out there who understood my pain. Slowly we began to broaden our circle of support by sharing our troubles with trusted friends. We talked and cried a lot, too.

Early on we learned the importance of my husband having an accountability partner. They talk about having one in the "Every Man's Battle" book. We also found a book called "The Accountable Man: Pursuing Integrity Through Trust and Friendship" by Tom Eisenman. This is a great resource for understanding what an accountable relationship looks like and even has sample questions to help steer you in the right direction.

My husband and his friend have met once a week for five plus years. Their commitment to each other and to living lives of integrity are a beautiful model of what community and Christian brotherhood is all about. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). For us, there was an open dialogue between the three of us and I know that my husband's accountability partner and I are on the same page. I can trust him to challenge my husband to be the man God calls him to be and to ask hard questions.

In our situation, my husband also has accountability to me. We have a "no secrets" agreement so everything needs to be shared. If my husband has stumbled or struggled in the area of sexual sin, both his accountability partner and I are aware of it, primarily for the purpose of encouraging him, but also to hold him accountable to not fall deeper into sin.

For the most part, the above steps that I mentioned, coupled with action (not just words) are helping to rebuild the wall of trust that was shattered by sexual sin. My trust was in shambles. It took a commitment on both of our parts to rebuild one block at a time. It is still a struggle. But I know the man my husband is today is not the man that betrayed me. He shows me this by who he is (integrity), how he behaves (actions), his accountability to others (responsibility), through consistent effort, and being authentic (being the same man at work, at home, at church, etc.).

Every situation is different, but if your spouse is not taking the necessary steps to rebuild and heal your marriage, then your process will be "slower" then mine. It is God's timing. He knows the path we need to take to have a true, heart change. It may mean a trip to the "pit" and back again to ignite a brokenness about the sin and a deep desire for change. You need to do your part in the process, too. Above all else, trust God to do the work that must be done in your spouse's heart. This is not easy. You are in my prayers.

This is a prayer my husband and I have both used to ask God to reveal the things within us that need fixing or to be revealed:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)