Psalm 139:11-12

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. (PSALM 139:11-12)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Unraveling Lies That Make It Hard to Trust

Betrayal is unraveling.
Betrayal is unraveling.

Because tucked into every relationship is the hope that people will be faithful and loyal to you.

But is betrayal just a fancy word for disappointing my expectations?

It's okay to trust that a spouse will be faithful. But ultimately, trust is really just hope and there is no guarantee.

It might be okay if you were a good judge of people. Although, even trustworthy people make mistakes and let you down.

But if you were abused it might be harder to grasp. Especially when you tell yourself this,

If people loved you, they would not betray you. You are not important enough to love.

Guard your own heart, because no one cares enough to protect yours.

It felt like love, but you were obviously wrong about that. People use you.

Betrayals from my childhood sprouted these lies, but I listened for so long they sound like truth. And it feels impossible to see it any other way.

My childhood was full of love. My family was supportive and present. But I still wonder what love is supposed to feel like? Because maybe I can't trust myself.

So I build walls and I only let a few people really in because I'm sure one day they, too, will figure out who I really am and decide I'm not valuable enough to love, just like the others.

And as I grew, each betrayal, especially the affair, confirmed this for me.

I began creating these wild expectations of what it's supposed to feel like when people love me. And I have come to depend on it to affirm my worth.

Choose me. Accept me. Think of me.

And then when you don't, I'm back to the lies again. And I wonder if I was wrong about you because I have been so wrong before.

It's a terrible cycle that betrayal creates. And I'm hanging out here, today. Batting the lies around in my head. Wondering how I'll ever be free.

1 comment:

Carolyn Byers Ruch said...

I once asked the same question to my counselor over a different issue, but an issue just the same."Will I ever be free of this?" I had a love/hate relationship with his answer. I loved it because I recognized it as truth--no BS or cheep comfort. I hated it because I still want to believe in rescue. He said, "Think of your struggles as being in different shaped bottles on a shelf in your peripheral vision. Sometimes those bottles fall off the shelf and disappear, but rarely. Mostly they sit there. When you first came to counseling, those bottles were in the back of your head, controlling you, but you didn't even know they existed. Now you know what they are. You will hit things in life that will cause depression, struggle, sadness. When that happens, I want you to look at those bottles, examine them. Then when you figure out which one it is, which lie you're believing, you need to replace it with truth." I have found his words to be true and I'm so thankful that he helped me devise a plan to attack those lies. The battle hasn't ended, but at least now I know my enemies and I have weapons.

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