|Betrayal is unraveling.|
Because tucked into every relationship is the hope that people will be faithful and loyal to you.
But is betrayal just a fancy word for disappointing my expectations?
It's okay to trust that a spouse will be faithful. But ultimately, trust is really just hope and there is no guarantee.
It might be okay if you were a good judge of people. Although, even trustworthy people make mistakes and let you down.
But if you were abused it might be harder to grasp. Especially when you tell yourself this,
If people loved you, they would not betray you. You are not important enough to love.
Guard your own heart, because no one cares enough to protect yours.
It felt like love, but you were obviously wrong about that. People use you.
Betrayals from my childhood sprouted these lies, but I listened for so long they sound like truth. And it feels impossible to see it any other way.
My childhood was full of love. My family was supportive and present. But I still wonder what love is supposed to feel like? Because maybe I can't trust myself.
So I build walls and I only let a few people really in because I'm sure one day they, too, will figure out who I really am and decide I'm not valuable enough to love, just like the others.
And as I grew, each betrayal, especially the affair, confirmed this for me.
I began creating these wild expectations of what it's supposed to feel like when people love me. And I have come to depend on it to affirm my worth.
Choose me. Accept me. Think of me.
And then when you don't, I'm back to the lies again. And I wonder if I was wrong about you because I have been so wrong before.
It's a terrible cycle that betrayal creates. And I'm hanging out here, today. Batting the lies around in my head. Wondering how I'll ever be free.