Tell Me the Truth

We had just gotten ready for bed. Settled under the covers, I reached over and turned the light on my bedside table off. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

He started. My friend told me his wife doesn't want to know when he looks lustfully at another woman. It's too upsetting for her.

I replied. Really? I'm just the opposite. I'd rather know. It's what I don't know that scares me the most.

And that's how it started. The conversation that began my husband's full and complete disclosure.

I was right. I did feel scared as he revealed a sexual history I had not been aware of. But in the midst of the pain and confusion I was feeling, I also felt…peace?

Yes, it was peace. I could deal with what was being laid out in front of me. Our room was still dark, but a flicker of light was shining out of that darkness.

It was truth. And I had waited a long time to hear it.

The beauty of his words of truth was that it was the start of something essential for our relationship. We were talking, honestly talking, for the first time in our entire marriage. This mixture of honesty and vulnerability was the hope I needed — our marriage needed — to have a future together.

I believe a marriage relationship cannot be strong without honesty and communication. When both husband and wife are willing to ask and answer the hard questions.

To tell me the truth, to risk losing it all, he had to trust me — and God. Because I had the power to destroy him and everything he held dear.

To be continued…

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 2

Part 2, continued from this post…

I knew some of his "sorted" past when I started dating him. At that point he had mastered the art of hiding. No one knew his secret struggles. He let no one know of his pain.

Sexual pleasure was like a drug. It consumed his mind, it dictated his choices. It was all about when and where the next opportunity would arise. He knew it was wrong, but it became like a noose around his neck — squeezing ever tighter, not letting him go. How would he ever be free?

To him, sexual addiction was like trying to fill a bucket with water, not knowing there was a hole in the bottom. No matter how hard he tried, he could not keep the bucket filled. And it became increasingly more difficult to fill it up. He had to find new and different sources, but nothing ever satisfied.

It was easy for me to think that his infidelity had something to do with me — who I was, whether or not I fulfilled him. The truth was, nothing fulfilled him, not even the sexual pleasure he was searching for.

I stopped accepting blame when I began to understand sexual addiction (reading Schaumburg's book, "False Intimacy" gave me great insight). It also helped when I tried to see the innocent boy inside the hurting man.

I began to realize how rooted the infestation was and found, to my surprise, compassion and a desire to help him.

Sexual addiction doesn't happen overnight. It wouldn't have mattered who he had married. The temptation to stray was more about filling the bucket, then about me.

I would never be enough until he broke free from the chains of addiction and started a path towards healing.

Why I Wasn't Enough, Part 1

"It was so hard to believe that my husband's addiction to (sex or) porn had nothing to do with me." — Anonymous

So if your spouse's porn, adultery, or sexual addiction isn't about you, then why? Why wasn't I enough? Why did my husband look elsewhere?

There once was a sweet, innocent boy. He loved to play with He-Man and the General Lee. Like most boys he explored the woods, made stick swords, and searched for crayfish in the stream.

But one day, when he was six, he saw something. It hung on the grungy wall of a back office and it made him curious. It was the first time he had ever seen pornography. (When was the first time your spouse saw pornography?)

Already curious and intrigued by the new picture in his head, he spent much of his elementary years "chasing" girls. Oh, how his mother would giggle and prod when he took an interest in a little girl his age. "Is this your girlfriend?" she would tease. (How old was your spouse when he/she had his/her first "girl/boyfriend"?)

Along with the inappropriate pictures he now had in his head, when he was between the ages of six and ten he experienced child with child sexual abuse. Confused and overwhelmed, he never told anyone. (Was your spouse ever sexually abused as a child?)

By age thirteen, he started dating a girl several years older then him. She had already been sexually active and seduced him, experiencing sexual intercourse for the first time. (When was the first time your spouse started having sex?)

The foundation for my husband's sexual addiction was being built, brick by brick, from the time he was six years-old. By the time he reached college, he was walled in and it felt like there was no escape.

To be continued…

When Pornography Invades - Part 3

He arrived home early that afternoon, tail between his legs, so to speak.

I could tell by the look on his face he was sorry, but at that point I wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done or whether he was just sorry he had been caught.

I didn't want to imagine my husband ogling other women, let alone looking at THOSE pictures.

The conversation about finding porn on my computer is a blur. I know I didn't lose it. I didn't completely jump off the deep end.

Why did I find it that day? He had been so "careful" up to that point. He knew all the secret ways of hiding it, getting rid of it, so no one would know.

Maybe, deep down, he wanted to get caught? Perhaps he was tired of the facade.

Towards the end of our discussion, my husband told me that the hours between our phone call and arriving home had been agonizing for him, too. He had no idea how I would react. In fact, he thought this could have been the end of us. He had a lot to lose.

I would like to take credit for my reaction that day. I know I had a reaction. I didn't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen.

I also know that I gave him a clear boundary, without threatening him. Looking at porn, especially when he was supposed to be caring for our child, was not acceptable.

He had betrayed my trust and I wasn't really sure what it would look like to rebuild it. But I could also tell that he was sorry, repentant sorry, and embarrassed.

If you read my story, you know that this was the first of many very difficult and painful disclosures.

When my husband revealed his affair to me it was about a year or so after I found the pornography.

And before his new confession came flooding out, he remembered —

How when he thought it was the end for us, we committed to working through it. And how that gave him hope when it came time to tell me the worst.


Click here to read part 1 of this story; here for part 2.

When Pornography Invades - Part 2

My heart thumped loudly as I dialed. A cocktail of panic and anger stirred as I listened impatiently to the ring-ringing.


The call began in usual fashion. We discussed the morning routine of our toddler as my mind, like an out of body experience, wandered away from my body. Like a robot I answered his inquiries, worried my emotions would betray me as I searched for the "right" words.

Is there something wrong? He saw through my act.

I found something. We should talk about it when you get home.

Tell me now. You are scaring me.

So I filled him in on what I found on my laptop that afternoon. I explained how confused and angry I felt. And we reluctantly agreed to wait until he got home from work to talk about it further.

I felt betrayed. I wondered how long this had been going on in my home without me knowing.

How did I not know?

So I waited for an excruciating couple of hours, agonizing over what this all meant and wondering —

Wasn't I enough?

To be continued…


Click here to read part 1 of this story.

When Pornography Invades - Part 1

I was searching for something and what I found was not at all what I was looking for.

It was a day like any other. I spent the morning caring for my eighteen month old and was enjoying the respite of nap time.

I was looking for a missing file on my laptop when it hit me like a slap in the face. An image now seared in my memory.

My body froze as the warm burn of anger and disbelief rose within me. It was the first time I found pornography. The first time I became aware of its ugly invasion into our home.

What should I do?

A barrage of questions formed quickly in my mind as my heart raced to make sense of it all. I searched frantically for more files as I grew more and more impatient.

After filling the virtual trash can with all the filth I could find, I made an impulsive phone call. I didn't know what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

To be continued...

We Are All Connected

Connect:

There is a moment when strangers become acquaintances, and acquaintances become friends. When eyes meet and we see each other's humanity. When we meet someone new and discover common ground; a hobby, a person, a place that connects us. When we open our hearts, even just a little, and vulnerably share a piece of ourselves. When shared laughter or shared tears confirm we are understood, we are accepted, we are not alone.

My deepest connections are often with shared pain. A fellow childhood sexual abuse survivor. A woman struggling with her husband's infidelity. These connections are honest, raw. They reel me back to the land of the living, inspiring and encouraging me to keep fighting, growing, and healing.

Perhaps most profound of all connections is with Jesus. A thread of faith tying me to the Creator. Knowing no matter where I go or what happens to me, that connection can never be severed or separated.

We are all connected, we just may not realize how yet.



Linking today with Lisa-Jo Baker at Gypsy Mama.

Sharing Ideas: When Your Husband's Having An Affair

Came across a blog post that I thought might be a good resource to share. It is entitled, "What To Do When You Discover Your Husband's Been Having An Affair", written by Sheila Wray Gregoire at …to Love, Honor, and Vacuum. She makes five really important points to consider when you are in the crisis. I hope you'll check it out!

She's also written a post about "How to Stop an Emotional Affair". Although my husband's affair was physical (not emotional) I know a lot of men and women have struggled with emotional affairs. I encourage you to see what Sheila has to say on this topic, as well.

Miss Consin's House - PART 2

This is the continuation of a post written by a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction (read Part 1). This past July, she & her husband had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

In our group class during our week at biblical intensive counseling, Dr. Schaumburg used the word “depravity”. I don’t recall hearing that term before. After doing a quick internet search I’ve come to understand that “depravity” describes the sad state of our human existence, not just in times past, before our sins were forgiven by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but the sinful nature that all of us struggle with, even today. These sinful tendencies are so corrupt and so far gone that we could never enter into the presence of God had it not been for that offering of salvation by our precious Lord.

I was brought to my knees once again just weeks ago as I was helping my 6th grade son gather books for a research paper on “idolatry”. As we searched the library for books and I began to read excerpts from some of them I was humbled to learn that idolatry, in its more abstract form, is not just bowing down to a tangible golden calf statue as referenced in the Bible, but also “replacing God with something we revere more than Him.” I am sure it was not by chance that God placed the idea of idolatry as a research topic in this situation. God has a remarkable and unmistakable way of getting our attention!

As humans we are all guilty of replacing God, at some point or another in our lives, with something we revere more than Him. Deep down in our innermost beings there is a core of selfishness—a craving for self-gratification and we will seek it out any way we can get it. Personally, I have replaced God many times in my life without even realizing that was what I was doing. The most recent thing I continually replace God with is my reliance upon food for comfort. I often used my husband’s sexual addiction as an excuse because “I” needed comfort. Instead, I should have relied upon God for that comfort and not replaced Him with food to numb the pain from emotional hurts. Literally days ago, as I was flipping through radio stations in my car, I stumbled upon a Pastor’s sermon that caught my interest. He described how many people make New Year’s resolutions to eat healthier and go to the gym to exercise, but after a few weeks they go back to their old habits. Why? He said it was because of our deep down sinful, selfish desires—doing and getting what we want, when we want. So we can blame other things or other people for not doing what we know we should do, but ultimately we are responsible for our own sin.

There is a deep connection between this idea of idolatry and sexual sin. I wanted to share some of the “tweets” Dr. Schaumburg has written on this very subject.

• March 3, 2012: “The thing that keeps us from spiritual and sexual maturity is spiritual self-idolatry.”

• February 24th: “Sexual sin is always the act of self-will; turning from God to self. Sexual sin is always self-idolatry.”

• November 2nd : “All sexual sin is a symptom of placing one’s self above God. This is idolatry!”

• October 20th: “Covetousness is idolatry for the sole reason that we are satisfied by things rather than satisfied by God.”

• September 30th, he references Thomas Watson by saying: “There is no idol like self where I admire my own words, ideas, achievements, and possessions.”

Over six months ago I was asked to contribute to this blog, but until now I have struggled with my own selfish tendencies. I went in the opposite direction from where God was leading me. Ever since that early summer morning at a picnic table in Wisconsin, I have felt a strong nudge from the Holy Spirit to respond to the sin in and around my life the way I know God wants my heart to respond. Sometimes I feel like Jonah must have felt as he was going against what God asked him to do by not going to Nineveh. Sometimes I do only what I want instead of what He wants.

Easter weekend is here as I sit writing this, very humbled. I have asked two friends to pray for me—to intercede on my behalf so that I will do the will of God as He has called me to do. He can do through me what I humanly cannot do on my own. There is much more to what God has implored me to do besides putting pen to paper just now. But writing this is a fresh start in turning away from my comfort zone and heading straight towards Nineveh. Our own “Nineveh’s” are unique to each of us. I urge you to seek deep within your heart and ask God if there is something He wants you to do that you’ve not done and pray about that right now.

Searching for the elusive “Miss Consin’s house” put me on a path of discovery. There is so much more I learned and am still learning as a result of attending Dr. Schaumburg’s conference. I am so incredibly thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to go and for the constant nudging of the Holy Spirit to keep at it and never let go.

Email me at Light in the Darkness if you are interested in more information regarding this intensive counseling or have a question for our "Guest Blogger" and I will make sure I forward them on.

Miss Consin's House - PART 1

Through this blog I met a wonderful woman who has been walking a path of healing from betrayal and her husband's sexual addiction. This past July, they had the opportunity to participate in a special counseling week with Dr. Harry Schaumburg, author of "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" and founder of Stone Gate Resources. I have asked her to share how attending this intensive counseling has impacted them. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in reading her heartfelt words!

This summer my husband and I left our two young sons with their Grandparents for an entire week while we attended biblical intensive counseling with Dr. Harry Schaumburg. When we returned from our trip, our youngest son showed me a picture on the front of a vacation home rental magazine and asked, “Is this Miss Consin’s house where you stayed on vacation?” I had to laugh—it was sweet. He had heard us talking about going to Wisconsin for the counseling and thought we said Miss Consin. In all reality, we never met Miss Consin, but we did spend a lot of time with Harry Schaumburg, Ph.D. More importantly, though, we spent a lot of time with God and each other.

During the 14-hour drive up there I had a self-righteous feeling brewing inside of me. After all, I wasn’t the offender in this marriage. We were going there to deal with my husband’s sexual addiction. During our evening orientation Dr. Schaumburg asked that we spend the next morning having a quiet time apart from our spouse. He gave us each a specific Bible verse/passage to read and specific guided questions to ponder and pray about. Little did I know that through the prepared scripture and study questions, I was about to embark on something that would change everything.

That Monday morning, as I sat alone at a picnic table overlooking the waterfront, I was brought to my knees by our Sovereign God, who called me out on my own iniquity. Although we were ultimately there as a result of what happened in our marriage I quickly realized that this week was going to be about our own individual relationships with God, first and foremost. We would, of course, be discussing the concerns about our relationship as a couple, but God demands first that I be more concerned about my own sin towards Him.

Through our counseling sessions I learned many things about myself that I never anticipated at the outset of this journey. It started by looking deep into my heart. There I found selfishness that took me by surprise. For years, I put a label on myself as a “person with low self-esteem”. I did not think I had much value and worth. But under the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to see something very different. Selfish pride was right there in my heart the whole time. Pride that demands, “I am indeed important….so important in fact that my husband deserves to feel guilty for what he has put me through in this marriage! Poor, pitiful me.”

Expecting to see evidence of low self-worth, I instead caught a glimpse inside my soul. I wanted my husband to pay for how much hurt he caused me. But what rocked me to the core was how God turned my thinking 180 degrees in an instant. He showed me that even though I have offended God, He doesn’t make me pay for how much hurt I cause Him. There is no doubt I have caused Him hurt over and over and over again. He is worthy of all the vengeance of my betrayals towards Him but because He is a loving God He has forgiven my sinful and deceitful heart and I needed to figure out how to do the same for my husband.

To be continued...