Unraveling Lies That Make It Hard to Trust

Betrayal is unraveling.

Betrayal is unraveling.

Because tucked into every relationship is the hope that people will be faithful and loyal to you.

But is betrayal just a fancy word for disappointing my expectations?

It's okay to trust that a spouse will be faithful. But ultimately, trust is really just hope and there is no guarantee.

It might be okay if you were a good judge of people. Although, even trustworthy people make mistakes and let you down.

But if you were abused it might be harder to grasp. Especially when you tell yourself this,

If people loved you, they would not betray you. You are not important enough to love.

Guard your own heart, because no one cares enough to protect yours.

It felt like love, but you were obviously wrong about that. People use you.

Betrayals from my childhood sprouted these lies, but I listened for so long they sound like truth. And it feels impossible to see it any other way.

My childhood was full of love. My family was supportive and present. But I still wonder what love is supposed to feel like? Because maybe I can't trust myself.

So I build walls and I only let a few people really in because I'm sure one day they, too, will figure out who I really am and decide I'm not valuable enough to love, just like the others.

And as I grew, each betrayal, especially the affair, confirmed this for me.

I began creating these wild expectations of what it's supposed to feel like when people love me. And I have come to depend on it to affirm my worth.

Choose me. Accept me. Think of me.

And then when you don't, I'm back to the lies again. And I wonder if I was wrong about you because I have been so wrong before.

It's a terrible cycle that betrayal creates. And I'm hanging out here, today. Batting the lies around in my head. Wondering how I'll ever be free.

The Truth About a Post-Crisis Marriage

I have a "post-crisis" marriage.

I never heard it referred to in that way until I read this post by Sarah Markley called, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections." Her confessions got me thinking about my own life and marriage post-crisis. She makes many excellent points.

I think there are things that happen in life that you work through and ultimately get over, for lack of a better word.

And then there are big, defining moment kind of events that become part of your process.

I'm living with the latter.

It's not that I'm stuck in the past. And I have forgiven. By all accounts we are living in a redeemed marriage. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

But, like Sarah Markley writes,

"I never want any bio or blog post or talk I give to ever make it sound like this post-crisis marriage is easy. In fact it's really, really hard."

I think it's not only important to clear up any impression that a redeemed marriage is somehow magically transformed and perfect, but it's also important to remind people that just because a few, maybe even a good many years has passed, there is still work being done.

This is true in all marriages, I think. And I believe with all my heart that there is hope for marriages damaged by sexual betrayals of all kinds. And there are some that no matter how much you want to keep it together, the healthiest thing is to split. There is no judgement from me in that.

Staying despite betrayal takes a lot of work. And the crisis that brought us to this place to begin with — were really symptoms of deeper issues. Issues that continue to surface every now and then and often require counsel.

Some days I'm weary from the struggle. And sometimes my own problems get in the way. This is the reality of any life, redeemed or otherwise. And I hope to convey that as much as possible on this blog.

"In fact, it's a struggle each day to love well and like wading through mud to suppress our own selfish inclinations." Sarah Markley, "When a Post-Crisis Marriage is Full of Imperfections"