This Is My Solemn Vow

"I take you to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow." (traditional Christian wedding vows)

The day I said these vows I meant them. The beauty of them tearfully spoken. A promise. A commitment. The day couldn't have been more perfect. I was marrying the man I had dated for over five years. We were excited and ready for this new chapter.

Intimacy did not come easy. Years of "don't do it" and "wait until marriage" suddenly changing to "it's okay, you're married". I was obviously thinking about it completely wrong. There wasn't a lot I knew about being someone's wife. My only examples my parents and other married adults I had known throughout my life. Some good examples, I suppose, but we are all just doing the best that we can after all. I felt ill-prepared still torn between the life and family of my youth and this new life I was beginning with the love of my life. "Leave and cleave" was much harder then I had ever expected.

He was patient some of the time, but there was often conflict. I guess I never realized how insecure I felt with him. There was always something sort of off with us and it didn't take long for things to start falling apart. What I realize now, is there were secrets eating away inside of him at that time. His heart wanted a "happily ever after" with me, but sexual immorality was stealing away those dreams. If you have visited this blog before, you already know the details (or can easily read them for yourself).

God works in the midst of the junk. He knew what was going on, but He also knew where He was taking us. We weren't necessarily walking strongly with the Lord back then. We were Christians meaning we believed in Jesus and we occasionally attended church. I knew He was around somewhere and although I don't remember asking Him for help, I know now that He was certainly helping whether I had asked Him or not.

The strength of my faith today I can humbly thank God for. It was because of the yuck we were forced to deal with that God became the focus and foundation of our marriage, a place He should have been at the beginning, but we didn't know any better. It is often a difficult journey this thing called marriage. With the everyday stresses, young children, work, school there is so much to contend with. Finding our way back to each other and changing our priorities and shifting our focus onto Him was easy and challenging at the same time. The challenge lies in changing the way we think and act in our marriage; having courage to seek wise counsel and see our hearts as they really are, broken and helpless. Condemned to a life of struggle if it weren't for God sending Jesus to redeem us and save us from this brokenness.

Saved from brokenness...it doesn't mean we don't still feel broken sometimes. It doesn't mean that we don't struggle anymore. It IS a life of hope, that we can weather any storms and He will be with us in the midst of them.

And all of this just brings me back to those vows. Whether said in earnest or under a shroud of secrets, it doesn't matter because God brings man and wife together and we CHOOSE whether to stay that way or not. If it's for better or worse it might mean staying and working through your biggest nightmare, but God will meet you there.

"I take you to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow."

This is what living and walking with him and Him looks like.

When You Raise the White Flag

School lunches need to be made, noses wiped, diapers changed, grocery shopping, laundry and dishes...you are a Mom, after all. And yet the busyness of your day can only drown out the questions for so long. Why? How could he? How could He? Will I ever trust him again? Do I even want to stay married to him? How can you love him let alone live with him?

Where do you find the answers? Where do you find the answers to any of life's questions? Unless you have been down this road before I don't think anyone truly understands or knows how to overcome it. Like a "Dear Abby" letter I've been asked many questions. It's been many years since the truth came out and the light came on and I remember how we managed; at that time we were stumbling through it, reaching, grasping for anything we could use to hold us together.

Then came the Truth. That was the glue. And the tremendous grace He bestowed on us, bringing us to what we both needed and still need the most...surrender. You are fighting, fighting, fighting and you realize you can't do it anymore. You're tired and beaten down, weak and confused. Have you reached the point where if you don't raise the white flag in surrender then you know you're going to die? Maybe not physical death, but maybe you will just give up. Hopeless is a desperate place to be.

Whether you have stopped trusting your spouse or you have stopped trusting yourself. When it all seems lost, there is a moment, when you get to choose. Is it about you? Or is it about love? Is it about Him?

It is easy to make this all about your spouse. What choices they made that hurt you so much. When they aren't who you thought they were. There comes a point when all the anger and bitterness can turn on you if you can't see Him in the struggle with you anymore.

Are you ready to surrender? Can you give up trying to understand why? Because what feels like another betrayal may be the door for you to see things a new way. To see things within yourself that need changing. What does your heart look like? When everything is going well in your life it's easy to love God, but when the trials hit, that's when your true heart for Christ is revealed.

Are you willing to let His light shine into your darkest places, too?

There was a moment when this suffering felt like it was about me, my pain, my betrayal. How could God do this to me? He knew about my childhood betrayal so why would he allow this? Why did he not allow the one thing my heart had always wanted...a man to love and cherish me the way I deserved? This was a poignant moment because I realized (with help) that this suffering was about me, but not in the way I first thought. It was about my heart and who I was; who I was as a spouse, a mother, a woman; who I was in my relationship with Him. God could have kept the light out. The secrets could have remained secrets for all of time. We could have lived a status quo, unhappy married life and passed that example onto our children. Could the painful truth coming out actually be FOR ME? out of love for me? Was this the way, the ONLY way, out of an unhappy marriage? Was this His way of giving me my heart's desire?

When the light came on and the darkness exposed, God had brought my husband through the pit. God graciously convicted him to the point that he was done with the lies and he repented. By exposing the darkness, the secret sin could be dealt with, worked on, and healed. The Light is desirable. The Light is love. The Light filled my husband with the desire to love me and our children more perfectly. Something I had always desired, but feared would never happen in our marriage.

So allow yourself the freedom to experience ALL that this crisis has for you. Be angry, sad, disappointed, or worse. Forgive and forgive again as often as you need. But I pray that when God brings you through He will also soften your heart to all that He has in store for YOU, all that YOU need to see in yourself.

"I can tell you these things because I have been in dark places -- which is the only way any of us ever learn to love the light." (Tony Woodlief, "Somewhere More Holy")

Intimacy Issues

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death..." (Song of Solomon 8:6)

"Intimacy in marriage is a love bound by promises, pure and unwavering...This love in a holy, God-honoring marriage is as strong as the powerful (but negative) experience of death." (Dr. Harry Schaumburg "Undefiled")

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. And it's true! No one has had the same experiences I have had. Sometimes I feel lonely, like there is no one else that understands how I feel. I know that is a lie. Jesus struggled. He suffered. He has been where I am and where I am going. Still, in the quiet of our struggles it is easy to feel very alone.

My reactions to my childhood sexual abuse were unique to me. I did not become promiscuous. I did not act out rebelliously. And although I do believe there had to be signs that something was awry, they were not significant enough for my parents to think anything of it. As an adult, who has been dealing with the ramifications of the abuse for many years now, I have always wished there was a blatant sign or a red flag that would have initiated counseling or help. More then anything I think my parents just weren't equipped to understand it and people weren't really talking about it back then either.

The symptoms stemming from the abuse have become more or less a private struggle for me. Intimacy, specifically physical intimacy with my husband. For others, emotional intimacy with other people. Whether physical or emotional, intimacy issues can get in the way of God's relational plan for you. And it only gets that much more complicated when you throw in sexual betrayal by your spouse.

God's plan sometimes seems comical to me. For someone who prior to working through the sexual abuse stuff wanted nothing to do with physical intimacy to marry someone whose sexual desires were off the charts in the addiction side of things is crazy and amazing. In many ways, the fact that my husband and I were on the extreme ends of the sexual spectrum has helped us both with our sexual issues. But it has also made it very difficult. Sex has become for us our number one struggle in marriage.

A sexual addict is not looking for intimacy. Schaumburg's book "False Intimacy" discusses how it is an "intensity over intimacy" thing. Sexual immorality has nothing to do with intimacy. It is not about being known and it's not about love. It's about using others for your own satisfaction.

Likewise, someone who was sexually abused as a child by a trusted person may as an adult decide (perhaps subconsciously even) that they don't ever want to open themselves up to being taken advantage of again. Intimacy is a scary proposition because you must fully trust and allow yourself to be known completely, hopefully without shame. In my case, it is not for lack of desire. And through a lot of hard work, my husband and I have been able to have meaningful intimacy together. But so far, the struggle has not left me and I want to understand what it is deep inside of me that makes me feel like being known, exposed and unguarded, is not okay.

I often wish I could find someone else that feels the way I do about intimacy so that I don't feel so alone. If you struggle with physical or emotional intimacy, I would like to hear how you have overcome or dealt with it in your life/marriage. Would you consider emailing me?

"Real intimacy for the glory of God has a built-in secondary vital purpose of protection from sexual temptation. This doesn't work if you're only having sex for the sake of sex, which always leads to the lust for more and possibly for illicit sex. It will never work as a prevention if the wife feels like a sexual object and lacks interest. It will powerfully work if a couple is "on the same page" sexually, spiritually, and relationally, enjoying the interpersonal harmony of God-given passion." (Dr. Harry Schaumburg "Undefiled")

"Undefiled"

I started reading a book by Harry Schaumburg called "Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships". My first encounter with Dr. Schaumburg was reading his book "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction". He is a speaker, author, and counselor and has been "pointing people away from sexual sin to restored intimacy with God and others" for nearly thirty years. I'd say he knows what he's talking about.

I bought the book hoping it would provide the "break through" I was looking for. I'm a little over half-way through the book and I haven't given up hope for that yet. He has a very honest, biblical perspective that I appreciate. It's not always easy to hear, but I appreciate it. Reminds me of reading "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender...a whole lot of truth and conviction. That's what we need, though, someone who is telling us the truth, even if it hurts or challenges our thinking.

In a nutshell, Dr. Schaumburg makes the point that the "path to freedom, purity, and restoration" are through sexual redemption. Perhaps I'll share a little more about that in another post (once I've finished the book), but for now, I'd like to write some quotes from the book that really struck a chord with me AND encourage you to read this book at some point, particularly if you and/or your spouse are struggling with the ramifications of sexual sin (pornography, adultery, or even childhood sexual abuse). This book assumes that you have a desire to have "sexual and relational healing".

From a biblical perspective, we are all sinners. Every day we are making choices that go against God. The choice to commit adultery, view pornography, lust...are because we are sinners. This is not a justification. I'm merely saying that when we ask "why did this happen?" or "how could they have done this to me" the basic answer is because we are sinners.

(emphasis added)

"Sin is a failure to let God be God. Ultimately, sin results from placing ourselves and our desires ahead of God."

"Sexual sin is enslavement to sexual activity, a state of mind, a self-centeredness that pushes away the truth. Even negative consequences of sexual sin do not produce change because they lack the ability to effect repentance."

"Conviction is a deep spiritual sorrow for sin. It is not disgust or shame of being caught."

"Without conviction and the application of grace the best we can hope to achieve is frustrating, long-term behavioral management versus authentic and lasting heart change."

"Behavior can be managed to a degree, but real change from the inside out is essential and is always the work of God."

"Repentance is what happens on the inside; it is not an effort to change behavior through a process of steps or choosing to look away when tempted to lust."

"Past experiences, good and bad, shape us, but they don't dictate or make us do what's wrong."

"...there is an Ultimate Reality greater than our painful situations. At all times we are to pursue the path that glorifies God."

"God in His judgment at the beginning of time and in His providence allows pain to come out of our experience of life. At the very beginning of time, Adam and Eve stepped out from under God's authority in an attempt to enhance their lives. Their rebellion led to God's judgement for both of them--pain, frustration, and futility. To this day we seek to avoid the reality of God's judgement. We choose a different path to deal with the profound disorder of all of life. The arrogance in us all that attempts to get control over all the difficult circumstances of life by our own efforts is a foolish attempt to question or replace a sovereign God."

Two Realities

There came a point when I felt very conflicted about my abuser. He was good, trusted, respected, liked. But there was this other side of him, the person who abused me, took advantage, and betrayed my trust. It was like he was two different people.

I struggled in the same way when my husband revealed to me the secrets he had been keeping from me. There were two realities going on at that time, the one I knew and the secret life he was living apart from me.

It turned my world upside down. What was true anymore? Who was, who is this man?

In my situation, God in his mercy changed my husband's heart. He was done with the lies and the deceit. He was a "new man" and we were working on a fresh start. But the conflict remained because the "changed man" was the same man who did those awful things, but he was not that man anymore. What a head trip!

So we decided to name him. We named the man he used to be. We chose a random name for him. For the blog's purposes let's say it's "Harry" (it's not, but let's just say it is). It's kind of funny, I know. But giving "the jerk" the name "Harry" was a tangible way to describe who my husband used to be while encouraging and supporting the man he is today, the man God always wanted him to be.

Every now and then "Harry" comes to visit. And when I see him coming I tell him he needs to leave. "Harry" doesn't live here anymore. It's a joke, but it's not. I can be mad at "Harry". I can think "Harry" was terrible and hurtful and all those other things.

I like who my husband is today. I want to make our marriage work. I want to heal and grow and love him forever. I am committed to him and he is committed to me. The things from the past are in the past. We are rebuilding the broken trust moment by moment, action by action. I have forgiven my husband. That doesn't mean I don't still hate what he did or that it doesn't hurt when I think about how he betrayed me. But I can focus that negative energy onto "Harry" and be reminded daily that my husband is not that man anymore.

Do you ever wonder how you can ever look at your spouse the same way again? It is possible to recover and move on from sexual betrayal. And this silly technique might just help. It works for us!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The Truth Must Come Out

There is someone out there right now feeling hopeless. Their spouse admitted to having an affair. They don't know which end is up. And as the days march onward more and more details emerge. The truth is dribbling out like a leaking faucet. You just dealt with the last admission and now another one comes and another one. It feels like everything you knew was wrong. Who is this person you married? How could they have done this to you? The questions continue to fire in your head. Imaginations of him with her or her with him come creeping in. This is madness! And it's happening right now, to someone.

This is to all the spouses trying to make sense of it all. It does't make sense. That's lesson number one. No matter how hard you try, you will not make sense of what your spouse has done. Common sense does not apply here. I found that to be especially true when we realized my husband had a sexual addiction. It is a lonely, desperate place that drives a person to do the things they are willing to do for their own self-gratification. And in my case, it was not about me or the other women. It was all about him and that was the problem.

It is my opinion that in order for real hope and change to occur that the truth must come out. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. It was essential for the slow rebuilding of my trust that my husband tell me the secrets he had been hiding. And not just part of the story or a sugar coated version of the story, but the whole stinking secret, especially the parts he wanted to share the least. Vulnerable and desperately honest. This is a hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to hear. Just remember, though, if you ask you must be willing to hear it. There is real hope when your spouse lays it all on the line with you. When they have EVERYTHING to lose and find the courage to tell you anyway. It is a frightening dance because the listener has a great responsibility, too. If you cut and run at the first mention of pornography, how could your spouse ever tell you more? I know what it's like. I danced that dance. When I first found pornography on our home computer I thought that was the worst of it. I didn't know at the time that there was far more and it was far "worse". God helped me righteously and gracefully respond to the first "incident" and that laid the groundwork for what was to come later. I can only imagine if I had "over-reacted" to the pornography, that my husband would never have been able to share the rest with me. And him sharing the rest, was the key to breaking his chains and starting a new, hope-filled life.

I know it is difficult to hear that everything you thought and knew to be true was false. That the man or woman you married could be living a secret life, caught in a hidden sin. And sexual sin can be the worst because we feel like we can't talk about it. There is such perversion and dysfunction about it. We might rather not deal with it because the idea that anyone could do such immoral things is more then we can bear. I believe that this is precisely why there is such an epidemic. The best way to spread this darkness is to keep it quiet and hidden away. Let the guilt and shame eat them up from the inside out so they stop being effective at all, until they lose everything. I think this is the place I came to with my husband. I love him. I loved him then, too. And after the pain and anger lightened, I could see that my husband was suffering. That he was stuck and alone and he needed help. And I could have compassion for this man I married because he had gotten lost. And because it was so hidden he couldn't talk to anyone about what was really going on. I could help him, love him, and encourage him through this despite and in spite of my own pain, with whatever strength I had left.

I don't know how it is with you. I don't know if your spouse is broken, repentant, and willing to put in the hard work to make necessary changes. I don't know if you are willing to work through all of the hurt and betrayal or if you want a future with your spouse. But the vows you made to each other are a covenant commitment, whether or not your spouse has lived up to his or her side of the bargain or not. God has a plan and He is up to something. He can take this pain and evil and use it for good; for your good, your spouses good, for ministering to others. It's hard to see the "good" now. But sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God will lead and guide you through this mess.

He will not give you more then you can bear. He is with you and He will never leave you. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Reclaiming the Losses

I have this mental image from Exodus 7:14-25 when God "sent" the plague of blood to Egypt. The Nile River, ponds, reservoirs, and canals turned to blood. I have no idea how it happened, but I imagine it seeping slowly from the staff, traveling down the river into the other waterways until all the water in Egypt turned to blood. It's in this same way, a slow seeping into every corner and crevice, that sin takes over a life.

Whether it's adultery, sexual abuse, pornography or something else, those choices or experiences can effect nearly every area of life, even the places we least expect it. When you get to a place where you can take a "big picture" look at your life, that reality is hard to miss. Like unraveling the layers of an onion, it may start to feel like you keep finding new areas the betrayal has touched.

Adultery robbed my husband and I of many "first" experiences. They were given away to people that meant nothing. And you would like to get them back somehow, but you can't. Maybe we're overanalyzing it, but anyone who has had to deal with adultery, whether a physical or emotional affair, pornography, or lusting with your eyes (Matthew 5:28), can understand that kind of loss. You can't take back what you've given away, especially when it's your time and affection.

It can feel overwhelming as you discover more and more areas that have been effected. But once again, if you are committed to working things out with your spouse, then the process will most likely take you back to forgiving them again and grieving the losses. As time heals, you may want to consider reclaiming some of the things that are tainted. Whether it's a town with bad memories or a "lost first" experience together, you can create your own "firsts" or atleast a new, good memory. Slowly replacing the bad memories with good ones will help both you and your spouse to move forward. And trust me, your loving, intimate, married experience will trump the other experiences any day.

"What God has joined together let no man put asunder" (traditional wedding vows taken from Matthew 19:6).

Scars of Abuse

I was sexually abused when I was a child. I kept memories stuffed away for a long time. At one point, when I was a teenager, I approached my parents about what had happened. But it was too close to home for them, I think. They were not prepared and didn't know how to handle what I had shared. We never spoke about it again.

I was married in my early twenties. It was a rough time. We fought a lot. We did not have sex. We tried, mind you, but there was something holding us back. I'm not even sure I can explain how I felt. It was suffocating.

It was clear there was something wrong with me. This was NOT how the "honeymoon" was supposed to go. We were not "normal" or so we kept telling ourselves. Everyone else was having sex. I relented and started seeing a counselor.

Some days it was talking about the memories of my abuse. Some days it was discussing why my husband and I couldn't make it a week without fighting. I didn't know at the time there were separate issues going on there. I don't remember a lot about the "abuse therapy". I know it took a long time before I could get through a session without crying the whole time. Maybe it was grief. Maybe it was relief, to finally be able to talk about it. To get it out of that place I always stuffed it.

It certainly wasn't easy. It was quite painful, in fact. But what I didn't realize as I was busy shoving my memories back under the rug, doing whatever I could to not think about it, was that dealing with it would have been easier then trying to forget it. Because along with the memories, I was also shoving down the lies I had told myself about it. That it was my fault. I should have known better. I asked for it. And the memories and lies infested a deep part of who I thought I was. If it was my fault and I should have known better then I should feel ashamed. The lies also told me that I need to be in control. That I cannot let anything like that happen to me again. That I need to protect and rely on myself.

I was abused by a close relative. He was absolutely trusted. And he took advantage of me. And I went a long with it because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted him.

This deep shame has left a scar on me. It had robbed me of true intimacy with my husband. The shame kept me paralyzed. With hard work and God's help, however, I slowly began to unravel the shame enough to be intimate. Intimacy was scary to me because it meant complete vulnerability, being exposed and allowing myself to be "out of control".

The remnants of childhood sexual abuse are far reaching, especially if you haven't been able to properly deal with what happened and how it has effected you. The crazy truth is you are less alone then you think. The statistics are off the charts. I grew up in a day and age where we weren't really talking about sex or sexual abuse. But it's 2010 and one of the best ways to combat childhood sexual abuse is by shedding light on it, talking about it, becoming informed, and working to keep it from happening to the children in our lives.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened to me. But I can change the choices I make because of what happened. I choose to be a survivor. I choose to talk about it and heal those wounds so that I can live a productive life, free from those chains. It will always be a part of my story. And I believe through it God has taught me some pretty extraordinary things about myself. And he continues to show me the things I still need to work on. I may never be completely free from the "shame scar", but I refuse to be taken prisoner by it.

If you or someone you love is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, besides good counseling, I would recommend the following books (all of which are available through amazon.com):

"A Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender
"On the Threshold of Hope" by Diane Langberg
"When a Man You Love Was Abused" by Cecil Murphey

Website:
Rise and Shine Movement
Tamar's Redemption

Taking Actions Towards Healing

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:7-9)

So what now? If your spouse has confessed and together you have committed to doing whatever it takes to heal the marriage then what does that look like? How do you go on? How do you ever trust again?

Initially, we were in survival mode. We received immediate Christian counseling from someone prepared to handle the depth of our problems. We signed my husband up to attend the "Every Man's Battle" workshop and within a month he had attended it. The conference was critical and was a sign to me that he was actively working to make necessary changes. I read A LOT of books in an attempt to understand what we were dealing with and deep down I desired to know that I was not alone. That there were others out there who understood my pain. Slowly we began to broaden our circle of support by sharing our troubles with trusted friends. We talked and cried a lot, too.

Early on we learned the importance of my husband having an accountability partner. They talk about having one in the "Every Man's Battle" book. We also found a book called "The Accountable Man: Pursuing Integrity Through Trust and Friendship" by Tom Eisenman. This is a great resource for understanding what an accountable relationship looks like and even has sample questions to help steer you in the right direction.

My husband and his friend have met once a week for five plus years. Their commitment to each other and to living lives of integrity are a beautiful model of what community and Christian brotherhood is all about. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). For us, there was an open dialogue between the three of us and I know that my husband's accountability partner and I are on the same page. I can trust him to challenge my husband to be the man God calls him to be and to ask hard questions.

In our situation, my husband also has accountability to me. We have a "no secrets" agreement so everything needs to be shared. If my husband has stumbled or struggled in the area of sexual sin, both his accountability partner and I are aware of it, primarily for the purpose of encouraging him, but also to hold him accountable to not fall deeper into sin.

For the most part, the above steps that I mentioned, coupled with action (not just words) are helping to rebuild the wall of trust that was shattered by sexual sin. My trust was in shambles. It took a commitment on both of our parts to rebuild one block at a time. It is still a struggle. But I know the man my husband is today is not the man that betrayed me. He shows me this by who he is (integrity), how he behaves (actions), his accountability to others (responsibility), through consistent effort, and being authentic (being the same man at work, at home, at church, etc.).

Every situation is different, but if your spouse is not taking the necessary steps to rebuild and heal your marriage, then your process will be "slower" then mine. It is God's timing. He knows the path we need to take to have a true, heart change. It may mean a trip to the "pit" and back again to ignite a brokenness about the sin and a deep desire for change. You need to do your part in the process, too. Above all else, trust God to do the work that must be done in your spouse's heart. This is not easy. You are in my prayers.

This is a prayer my husband and I have both used to ask God to reveal the things within us that need fixing or to be revealed:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)

The Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts..." (JOEL 2:25)

Do you wear your past mistakes like a chain around your neck? Do you use them to prove to yourself and others what a wretch you are?

Let's assume that your spouse confessed everything to you. Full disclosure. There are no more secrets. You picked up the pieces after it all hit the fan and now you are trying to move forward, one step in front of the other. You are working together towards healing. There has been a HEART CHANGE.

How do you learn to trust again? How do you forgive?

Forgiveness was not quick and painless for me. Unfortunately, it seldom is. The deeper the hurt, the more complicated forgiveness feels. After we got through the crisis moment, the anger, the sadness, the grieving, I had to start the process of forgiving. Moving through the real emotions of dealing with the truth is part of the process of forgiving. But it's best not to stay in any one emotion for too long.

I got very stuck on the saying "Forgive and forget." I thought that's what it was all about. I mean Jesus says "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). He does not hold our sins against us as long as we repent and confess them to Him. And we need to make it right with the people we hurt along the way. But forgetting was always a sticking point for me. How could I ever forget?

Maybe "forgetting" doesn't necessarily mean it's erased from memory. Maybe forgetting means not letting it have dominion over you anymore. Not letting it infiltrate your life in a way that keeps you from being able to move forward. Forgiving is more about grace. Because we don't forgive someone only because they deserve it or earn it. Like grace, forgiveness is a gift given irregardless of whether they deserve it. Forgiveness is like a second chance. That your spouse does not wear the scarlet "A" on their chest all the days of their life. It is not fodder for mud slinging, when you are in a heated argument. And more then anything else, no matter what any of us have done it is all sin. Sexual sin is not any better or worse then any other sin we commit. Yes, there are serious consequences to sexual sin. There is major healing to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt. But like any sin, with repentance comes forgiveness.

It took some time for me to process through what it means to forgive. I didn't want to tell him he was forgiven if I didn't mean it. I forgave my husband. It does not mean it's forgotten. It is still a big part of our lives, but not the sin anymore. It's a big part of our lives because of what God did in our lives through the sin and struggle. Forgiveness changed our focus.

But it's not enough for the betrayed spouse to offer forgiveness. The one who sinned not only needs to accept the forgiveness God offers, and the forgiveness their spouse offers, but they have to come to a place where they can truly forgive themselves. This has been one of the biggest hurdles for my husband. He struggles to forgive himself for what he did. The guilt and shame have lessoned. But regret, that one is the hardest to shake.

Regret is like asking yourself "what if?". What if you made a different choice? What if you had come clean sooner? What if you went to a different school? Or didn't go to that party? Regret is wishing you didn't do what you did and knowing there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It's wishing things were different. Wishing you could take it back. Wishing you hadn't hurt the person you love. You can no more change the past then predict the future. How do you let go of regret? We're still trying to figure that one out.

Just remember, God is weaving a story in your life. If you hadn't done this or that, your story wouldn't be what it is today. God uses the good and the bad in your life to mold you into a better you. The desire to undo the past is like telling God He made a mistake. Where you are today, who you are today, is okay with God. He can work with anyone. Instead of regretting the past, try committing to a better future, making different choices, and living for Him.