A Bump In The Road

There is a speed bump in a local shopping center that I don't like. No matter how you drive over it, no matter how slowly and carefully you maneuver, it shakes, bumps, and bounces you every which way.

Well, we have hit a bump in the road. Six months ago a "misunderstanding" among friends sent my husband for a loop. I knew he was struggling to process through it. I had gone through my process, forgiven, moved on, but he was stuck. I had no idea six months later that the loop he was sent on was more like a tailspin.

Finally coming to the light in the last few weeks, in some ways it feels like deja vu. Almost seven years to the day my husband confessed his sexual sin and infidelity and we are back to the confessional. Somehow in the last few months firm lines between sexually appropriate and not became blurred. We are still trying to understand how that could happen, after all we have been through.

Last night I "lashed out". I cried and yelled my frustration to him. Seven years of working on trusting him. Seven years into a new commitment to honesty and light and we're back to half-truths and hiding again. I was anything but grace-filled last night.

This morning I apologized. I don't want this to erase seven years of growing and healing. I want to offer him grace because we all make mistakes. We all get caught up. We all justify and make excuses. We all try to escape, instead of face the hard stuff.

I am sharing this because I want you to know that seven years forward of the crisis, we are still learning to live with this. But in some ways, we have perhaps become too comfortable in our routine. Accountability meetings between my husband and his friend have become less questioning and more sharing life. Safe guards that were set up long ago have become compromised. Somewhere, somehow he just stopped going to counseling. We have let down our guard.

Everything I wrote in my last post is still true. "Even if" ___________...we are going to be alright. I have confidence in this. I could never pretend that I have it all figured out. I do not FEEL like an expert in this area. It's as if we are walking a path unknown and unchartered. Each day, each month, each year not knowing what "recovery" means for us and trying to figure it out along the way.

This speed bump has tousled us around, but we will get to the other side. It may not always be smooth sailing, but it's in times likes these that I trust that God is at work again, revealing this chink in our armor so we can protect ourselves and not let our guard down. Sexual addiction is a disease. You don't wake up one day free from those chains this side of heaven. It takes work, hard work, and a commitment to the light.

Yes, Even Then

It's been seven years since the truth came out. To be honest, there have been moments (not surprisingly) when I've wanted to throw in the towel. So what kept me here that day and keeps me here now?

Faith.

Formost a faith in Jesus. In who He is. In what He has promised.

I believe faith and hope keep me right where I am. Faith to know that He has a plan and a purpose for all things, including me. Faith that God can do ANYTHING. Faith that He is working and moving in my life and the lives of those around me. Faith that whatever happens, He can use it to His glory. He can redeem it. He can use it.

Living out this faith day to day is not always easy. When bad things happen, when people hurt you, when you feel stuck; it's hard to not give up or run away. It's difficult to not get caught up in the here and now of what is happening and feel like there is no hope.

My faith is not assurance that I won't struggle or that everything is going to be easy. My faith gives me confidence in Him, not in me. Because I know that I cannot react without sinning. I feel angry, disappointed, impatient, even hopeless sometimes. Other people break their promises, other people hurt me, disappoint me. Situations can overwhelm me. Sometimes I think we have worked through something to have it resurface again and again. How could one not give up?

Faith.

I read a book by Joanna Weaver called "Lazarus Awakening". It talks about 3 specific kinds of faith she wants to have. The faith of "even if", "even though", and "nevertheless".
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Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it...But EVEN IF he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your Gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

"EVEN THOUGH the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; EVEN THOUGH the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; EVEN THOUGH the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, YET I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Matthew 26:39 (emphasis added)

"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; NEVERTHELESS, not as I will, but as you will."

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"Even if" my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be, "even if" my husband cheats again, "even though" I was sexually abused as a child, "even though" I was betrayed, "nevertheless" I have faith in Your plan and Your promises, "nevertheless" Your will not mine, "nevertheless" You are still God and You know better then I.

Throughout these years of dealing with and healing from betrayal I have seen God's faithfulness in my life and in our marriage. I have gone to the pit and out again many times. While in the pit I have wondered if this is all worth it. I start to lose hope...and faith. And then I am reminded that God has not and will not leave me there. Hold tight to your faith, especially in the darkest of moments, because you know God has you. He has you! He will not let you go!