Confession and Healing (Part 2)

This post is a continuation from here.

Confession or being caught doesn't necessarily secure a happy, walk away from my sin ending. There's far more to it than that.

Exposing the sin is just the beginning of a complex process. The spouse with the figurative pornography noose around his/her neck has to want to remove it.

By the time my spouse confessed, he was already fed up with himself. He desired change and spent too many years trying to do it on his own. Confession freed him from the burden he carried alone, but it wasn't easy and it sometimes comes with a cost.

But sometimes, a spouse is sorry he got caught instead of being sorry for the hurt he's caused or the sin itself. What do you do then?

I can't speak from that experience specifically since everyone's journey through this looks different. But I can tell you that sexual betrayal, via adultery or pornography or lust, impacts your marriage and requires healing for both husband and wife, whether there is repentance or not.

Dealing with the pain of betrayal is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but the work was necessary. My husband's sexual addiction became an opportunity for me to do some self-examining.

And since I chose to stay and fight for our marriage, I knew my attitude towards his healing would effect everything. I could remain withdrawn, bitter, and angry or I could become his biggest ally. Neither option was a guarantee that he would not slip again, but one could lead to more hiding and the other encourages open communication.

If you suspect your spouse is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction:

• Talk to him about it. Show him you are a safe person by the way you approach/respond to him.

• Share/confess your own sin. God knows you struggle, too! Does your spouse know you're not perfect either?

• Find help for both of you — good counseling, a marriage weekend/retreat, an addiction program, Every Man's Battle, addiction recovery support, healing from betrayal

• Establish accountability to protect him from temptations. Who can he call on when he's feeling tempted? Who can both encourage him and help pick him back up if he falters?

• Become partners/allies/teammates — together fighting against temptations. Can you help guard his heart? How can you help establish/support healthy boundaries for him/for both of you (what he sees, reads, hears)?

Fantasizing About Mr. Right

I'm not sure why, but my parents didn't talk much about the birds and the bees.

I learned about relationships from television and movies. I took notes on kissing from the soap operas the women in my life watched daily.

And I read romance novels. They certainly appealed to my blooming curiosity.

After a while they became quite predictable. Girl meets boy, they flirt, they fall in love, and everything is happily ever after. I was so enamored with that.

Every girl imagines finding the man of their dreams! And romance novels stirred my "knight in shining armor" desires and set me up with unrealistic expectations.

As I "matured," so did my taste in romance novels. And they became racier and racier as you can imagine.

My real life wasn't going so well then. My relationship with my new husband was shaky at best. I knew the Lord, but I wasn't in relationship with Him. And I was just coming to terms with the ramifications of childhood sexual abuse. There was a lot of turmoil. It's safe to say I was quite unhappy in my life and in my marriage.

Betrayal had shattered my trust of men. I started using fantasy as an escape — imagining in my mind the perfect life with an adoring and affectionate mate that would always chose me over anything else that happened to be going on. It was a welcome respite from the chaos and emotions of my real life.

I thought nothing of it then. But many years later, as my marriage relationship improved and we began the long road of healing from my husband's infidelity and sexual addiction, I realized what I was doing was wrong, too.

If my husband was going to be accountable for his lustful actions, so should I. And reading romance novels and fantasizing about Mr. Right in my mind were not honoring my spouse.

As much as I wanted to downplay it, explicit romance novels are a form of pornography (check out the definition). Although we may turn to romance novels, fantasizing, or other forms of pornography to find "fulfillment," all they serve to do is make you dissatisfied, especially with your spouse.

I believe pornography can be a struggle for women. And I have met women, even some in good marriages, that fight the urge to fantasize. If you can relate, please know you aren't alone.

I have not read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and I don't intend to. Call me a prude, but I don't want to get caught up in author EL James' personal fantasies.

My husband has worked so hard to protect himself, why shouldn't I?

In the same way that I want to be the focus of my husband's affections, I need to focus my affections on him.

So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet. (Matthew 18:8)

If you're confused about the role pornography may play in your marriage, read this article from Covenant Eyes.

Be honest with your spouse. You are teammates fighting for your marriage. Help each other, encourage each other, and try to avoid situations that lead to temptation.

And if you cannot avoid it, protect yourself from it. Do not allow yourself to be drawn back in. Stop the thoughts before they take you down a road you do not want to take.

The catalyst for me was experiencing true intimacy with my husband, both physically and emotionally. At that point, I no longer felt the need to escape because the real life we were working to build together was much better than anything I could dream up.

Tell Me the Truth

We had just gotten ready for bed. Settled under the covers, I reached over and turned the light on my bedside table off. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

He started. My friend told me his wife doesn't want to know when he looks lustfully at another woman. It's too upsetting for her.

I replied. Really? I'm just the opposite. I'd rather know. It's what I don't know that scares me the most.

And that's how it started. The conversation that began my husband's full and complete disclosure.

I was right. I did feel scared as he revealed a sexual history I had not been aware of. But in the midst of the pain and confusion I was feeling, I also felt…peace?

Yes, it was peace. I could deal with what was being laid out in front of me. Our room was still dark, but a flicker of light was shining out of that darkness.

It was truth. And I had waited a long time to hear it.

The beauty of his words of truth was that it was the start of something essential for our relationship. We were talking, honestly talking, for the first time in our entire marriage. This mixture of honesty and vulnerability was the hope I needed — our marriage needed — to have a future together.

I believe a marriage relationship cannot be strong without honesty and communication. When both husband and wife are willing to ask and answer the hard questions.

To tell me the truth, to risk losing it all, he had to trust me — and God. Because I had the power to destroy him and everything he held dear.

To be continued…

A Bump In The Road

There is a speed bump in a local shopping center that I don't like. No matter how you drive over it, no matter how slowly and carefully you maneuver, it shakes, bumps, and bounces you every which way.

Well, we have hit a bump in the road. Six months ago a "misunderstanding" among friends sent my husband for a loop. I knew he was struggling to process through it. I had gone through my process, forgiven, moved on, but he was stuck. I had no idea six months later that the loop he was sent on was more like a tailspin.

Finally coming to the light in the last few weeks, in some ways it feels like deja vu. Almost seven years to the day my husband confessed his sexual sin and infidelity and we are back to the confessional. Somehow in the last few months firm lines between sexually appropriate and not became blurred. We are still trying to understand how that could happen, after all we have been through.

Last night I "lashed out". I cried and yelled my frustration to him. Seven years of working on trusting him. Seven years into a new commitment to honesty and light and we're back to half-truths and hiding again. I was anything but grace-filled last night.

This morning I apologized. I don't want this to erase seven years of growing and healing. I want to offer him grace because we all make mistakes. We all get caught up. We all justify and make excuses. We all try to escape, instead of face the hard stuff.

I am sharing this because I want you to know that seven years forward of the crisis, we are still learning to live with this. But in some ways, we have perhaps become too comfortable in our routine. Accountability meetings between my husband and his friend have become less questioning and more sharing life. Safe guards that were set up long ago have become compromised. Somewhere, somehow he just stopped going to counseling. We have let down our guard.

Everything I wrote in my last post is still true. "Even if" ___________...we are going to be alright. I have confidence in this. I could never pretend that I have it all figured out. I do not FEEL like an expert in this area. It's as if we are walking a path unknown and unchartered. Each day, each month, each year not knowing what "recovery" means for us and trying to figure it out along the way.

This speed bump has tousled us around, but we will get to the other side. It may not always be smooth sailing, but it's in times likes these that I trust that God is at work again, revealing this chink in our armor so we can protect ourselves and not let our guard down. Sexual addiction is a disease. You don't wake up one day free from those chains this side of heaven. It takes work, hard work, and a commitment to the light.

Taking Actions Towards Healing

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:7-9)

So what now? If your spouse has confessed and together you have committed to doing whatever it takes to heal the marriage then what does that look like? How do you go on? How do you ever trust again?

Initially, we were in survival mode. We received immediate Christian counseling from someone prepared to handle the depth of our problems. We signed my husband up to attend the "Every Man's Battle" workshop and within a month he had attended it. The conference was critical and was a sign to me that he was actively working to make necessary changes. I read A LOT of books in an attempt to understand what we were dealing with and deep down I desired to know that I was not alone. That there were others out there who understood my pain. Slowly we began to broaden our circle of support by sharing our troubles with trusted friends. We talked and cried a lot, too.

Early on we learned the importance of my husband having an accountability partner. They talk about having one in the "Every Man's Battle" book. We also found a book called "The Accountable Man: Pursuing Integrity Through Trust and Friendship" by Tom Eisenman. This is a great resource for understanding what an accountable relationship looks like and even has sample questions to help steer you in the right direction.

My husband and his friend have met once a week for five plus years. Their commitment to each other and to living lives of integrity are a beautiful model of what community and Christian brotherhood is all about. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). For us, there was an open dialogue between the three of us and I know that my husband's accountability partner and I are on the same page. I can trust him to challenge my husband to be the man God calls him to be and to ask hard questions.

In our situation, my husband also has accountability to me. We have a "no secrets" agreement so everything needs to be shared. If my husband has stumbled or struggled in the area of sexual sin, both his accountability partner and I are aware of it, primarily for the purpose of encouraging him, but also to hold him accountable to not fall deeper into sin.

For the most part, the above steps that I mentioned, coupled with action (not just words) are helping to rebuild the wall of trust that was shattered by sexual sin. My trust was in shambles. It took a commitment on both of our parts to rebuild one block at a time. It is still a struggle. But I know the man my husband is today is not the man that betrayed me. He shows me this by who he is (integrity), how he behaves (actions), his accountability to others (responsibility), through consistent effort, and being authentic (being the same man at work, at home, at church, etc.).

Every situation is different, but if your spouse is not taking the necessary steps to rebuild and heal your marriage, then your process will be "slower" then mine. It is God's timing. He knows the path we need to take to have a true, heart change. It may mean a trip to the "pit" and back again to ignite a brokenness about the sin and a deep desire for change. You need to do your part in the process, too. Above all else, trust God to do the work that must be done in your spouse's heart. This is not easy. You are in my prayers.

This is a prayer my husband and I have both used to ask God to reveal the things within us that need fixing or to be revealed:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)