It's Not A Diet!

The clock tolls midnight to the sound of cheers, fireworks, pots and pans clanging, and a smooch. The new year promises a fresh start, a "clean" slate. We make resolutions to lose weight, do more exercise, stop smoking, spend more time with family, get out of debt. Apparently, only 3% of all resolutions are actually fulfilled and those that start often last only a month before they are back to old habits.

It seems that we can muster up the discipline for a little while, but unless we make a lifestyle change it's difficult to make it last, like a diet where you cut back and deprive yourself. It may be effective to losing those extra 10 pounds, but as soon as you "start eating again" the pounds easily creep back on.

In my last post I wrote about sexual moratorium or abstinence. You could also think of it as fasting. A friend of mine commented about not liking the name "moratorium" as it sounded so...morbid. My husband disagrees. He likes the label moratorium because it symbolizes to him a "dying to self". Unlike typical periods of fasting, my husband's goal is not to return to old habits the moment the fast is over. Like a diet that ends and the pounds return, our goal in moratorium is to make a lifestyle change.

A lifestyle change is modifying or eliminating long-held habits and maintaining the new habits over time. This does not mean that sexual intimacy will not return. The Bible is very clear that sexual abstinence in marriage only occur for a time (1 Corinthians 7:5-6).

Since the purpose of our sexual moratorium was to create more balance in our marriage, I have felt very anxious about what might happen once intimacy returned. Since it has been an area of weakness and struggle for my husband, it seems possible that, like unrestricted eating after a diet, it could find its way back to an unhealthy place in our marriage. Some of these feelings are my insecurity and I realize I need to trust God in this. However, the attitude and perspective of my husband is an encouragement to me. After experiencing the fruits of this sexual fast, he has no desire to return to old habits. He is looking at this as a lifestyle change, not a diet. One we both hope will be a new and permanent way of viewing sex in our marriage. One that balances healthily among the other important parts of our marriage relationship. One without expectations, bitterness, or guilt.

Change is hard. Lifestyle changes take more then just removing the problem. And change always happens with God's help.

• Ask God to change your thinking, your perspective, your heart. Believe in your ability to succeed.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me (Psalm 51:10).

• Understand why you want to change. What is your motivation for doing it?

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).

• Change means not just saying you are going to stop or start doing something, but knowing how you are going to do it. What actions are you going to take to help you make a lifestyle change? Be specific.

Don't live any longer the way this world lives. Let your way of thinking be completely changed. Then you will be able to test what God wants for you. And you will agree that what he wants is right. His plan is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2).

Dying to yourself, changing, rather breaking, old habits is a desire of the heart. You have to want to do it because you know you are called to do it and out of love for yourself and others. It means sacrifice. Dying to self is sacrificing what you "want" for what you know you "need".

If anyone wants to follow me, he must say no to himself. He must pick up his cross and follow me. If he wants to save his life, he will lose it. But if he loses his life for me, he will find it (Matthew 16:24-25).

I am thankful that my husband was willing not only to deprive himself (through fasting), but desires to make this a lifestyle change and not a diet. We are also fortunate to have a lot of support and encouragement as we continue to walk this unchartered path by faith. I am certain it will not be easy, but we have an awesome Guide and we are trusting Him.

Sexual Abstinence in Marriage

It's been the right choice for us. After years of struggling to put sex in its "proper" place within our marriage we decided, he decided to try it.

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command." (1 Corinthians 7:5-6)

Bruce N. Fisk writes in his book, "Interpretation Bible Studies: 1 Corinthians":

Through the years thoughtful Christians have recognized the value of periods of abstinence within marriage. In “The Spirit of the Disciplines”, Dallas Willard observes how “absolutely vital to the health of any marriage” it is “that sexual gratification not be placed at the center. Voluntary abstention helps us appreciate and love our mates as whole persons, of which their sexuality is but one part" (Willard, 170).

To some of you, sexual abstinence or moratorium as it's more commonly referred, may sound like a crazy idea. I believe for us, the concept of actually doing this was a long, God process. I can say with complete assurance that God was preparing the way for this moratorium and the success we find within it is the fruit of our obedience to His leading.

Although my husband is in recovery from his sexual addiction and he has not "acted out" since he divulged his secret sin many years ago, sex and intimacy within our marriage has continued to be a source of frustration for both of us. In some ways, it has been difficult to tell which intimacy issues are because of our baggage (my abuse, his addiction) and which are because I'm a woman, he's a man, or even our individual personality traits.

Of all the beautiful benefits to being committed and married to one person for the rest of your life, I have come to feel like sexual intimacy has always had an unhealthy, central position in our marriage. I would like to preface this by saying that I believe sexual intimacy is a very important part of a healthy marriage, but I do not believe it is the most important piece. I believe even though my husband has triumphed over many of his issues regarding his addiction, sex seems to be an easy idol for him. Sex had become like a parasite, sucking the life out of every area of our marriage and lives. Everything, yes everything, became tied to sex to the extent that he felt chained again. It seemed at times like it was okay because it was appropriately focused on me and not someone else, but he was still objectifying me. He felt a sense of entitlement and would often act bitter and angry towards me if things didn't work out for us in the bedroom. I wound up feeling overwhelmed and pressured, which led me to feel unsafe, shameful, and guilty.

This brings me back to sexual moratorium. After much prayer and the seeking of wise counsel, my husband (with my support) decided he wanted to try a sexual moratorium for a short time. It's almost been like a sexual reset. In the beginning we sat down and talked about other ways that we could love and enjoy each other. We made a list of some of the areas that felt lacking, like our friendship with each other. My husband and I have been amazed by the outcome of doing this. I emphasize that he went into this willing and open to the process. He felt led and ready to put the effort in. In his words, "I want this to be a permanent change" and I believe this perspective has helped him to fully embrace the experience.

So what's different? He is actively seeking to love me in other ways. It is reawakening our friendship relationship with each other, helping us to more deeply appreciate the things we always enjoyed about each other, and reestablishing the friendship attraction that ultimately led to us getting married in the first place. Moratorium takes sexual intimacy out of the equation for a time and by removing that "expectation" we can both enjoy more freely our time together without fear of rejection or the pressure for intimacy.

Honestly, my spouse seems happier and more contented then he has in a long, long, time. By removing the idol it has allowed the other areas of our marriage to increase. Hopefully when sexual intimacy returns, we can maintain a healthy balance in our marriage that had been missing in the past.

Sexual moratorium is not for everyone. There are some safe guards that you need to take before you decide to do it. I believe it should not be entered into impulsively or without prayer and wise counsel. Both husband and wife need to be on the same page, not only about doing it, but what you will do instead. It is not just about giving up sex. Like fasting, you should be actively praying and working together during the process. You should have a goal for the moratorium. It is something you are both doing together for your mutual benefit. When your spouse removes sexual intimacy from the equation, they should prepare for battle, especially in their thought life. It is a time to be on guard, but also to lean on God, the Holy Spirit within, your spouse, and a close friend or accountability partner for strength and support.

Sexual moratorium should be a mutual decision. It should be for a time, not indefinitely. I encourage you to pray about what benefits, if any, a sexual moratorium might provide you & your spouse recovering from sexual sins. It may be something God is leading you to consider in your marriage. It should not be undertaken lightly.

For more reading on this topic might I suggest a blog post from Purifying Grace, "Biblical Marital Abstinence: Abstaining from Sex in Marriage" or Porn to Purity, "Abstaining From Sex Will Help Your Marriage".