tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post8818056084969208122..comments2022-03-25T16:21:50.703-04:00Comments on Light in the Darkness: Sexual Abstinence in MarriageLight in the Darknesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393804032504869325noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-64631406862022796832013-05-22T16:59:45.258-04:002013-05-22T16:59:45.258-04:00Some of the behavior you describe about your husba...Some of the behavior you describe about your husband sounds familiar. We have come so very far, but it wasn't so long ago I was fighting the same "battle."<br /><br />Very happy to hear you are in counseling. I hope it is the right fit for both of you. Someone who understands both sides of this complicated story. Are you meeting together? Or do you get some one-on-one time with the counselor to share your side of things?<br /><br />Like you, I don't believe that just having sex is going to solve anything. There are some other issues at play here for sure. God never intended sexual intimacy in marriage to be a dictatorship. And it requires mutual submission and serving the other to have intimacy. Otherwise, it's just a physical act for our own brief pleasure. Intimacy is meant to bring us closer as a couple. It's physically and emotionally connecting. That's what you're going for anyway.<br /><br />I'm not trying to assume anything, but so often how we come to the other person to discuss something difficult like this can determine the response. Whatever his intentions (only he and God really know) the impact of how he comes to you and what he expects from you is hurting you, not honoring you. Can you convey that to him? And if you can't, then pray that sometime soon he will be open to having that conversation with you.Light in the Darknesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12393804032504869325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-48021422519619358332013-05-22T14:36:43.497-04:002013-05-22T14:36:43.497-04:00Thanks for your response.
I have no idea how he is...Thanks for your response.<br />I have no idea how he is "releasing" himself.....I don't think he's allowing other sinful behaviors in, but hey, I could be wrong. I don't want to be suspicious but I also don't live with my head in the sand.<br />He just cannot go there - that is, have a heart to heart discussion regarding all this. His feelings of rejection and being right are far too strong and he needs to blame me (obviously, 'cause I'm the one DOING what the Bible says NOT to do, ie., withholding sex - so it's clearly MY sin that's causing this). Just to be clear, I'm not actually "withholding" sex. I told him that we could have sex whenever he wanted, but he wants my "full" participation (which, to be honest, is what I long for as well) but the reality is, if the preliminary emotional and spiritual work haven't been done, then it's just the physical act, nothing more....and it leaves me feeling used and empty. It's not that I'm punishing him 'cause I'm mad at him, it's just that there's nothing there to celebrate. <br />I don't want to be critical or mean spirited, but when it comes to spiritual and emotional maturity, he's about 12yrs old....and until his desire/need is filled with the Lord, we're gonna keep going around the same mountain. <br />We're actually in counselling right now, 'cause I just can't do this anymore....I've spent far too many years offering my body to him when that's all he ever wanted. SEX, not real intimacy. Now I'm realizing that everything he does is to manipulate my sexual response to him....it's clearly gotten dysfunctional. I cannot believe that just "having sex", like so many Christian blogs say to do, is going to solve this much deeper issue......<br />As for me, I can't say I'm angry at him or have stopped loving him. I don't engage in the negative reactions or comments fired at me....Thru a complete dependency on the Lord, I still feel joyful (most of the time) and can stand my ground (mostly) without retaliating. I try to keep a cheerful spirit at home and often will quote 1 Corinthians 13 to remind myself of what God calls me to do in the name of Love......but man oh man, every now and then, I have a good cry!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-79523561942206218002013-05-22T11:04:09.310-04:002013-05-22T11:04:09.310-04:00Dear Anonymous:
I hear you and understand your pl...Dear Anonymous:<br /><br />I hear you and understand your plight. I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like. Are you able to talk openly about the issues with sexual intimacy in your marriage?<br /><br />I believe having an open dialogue with your spouse could be helpful. Does he know how you feel? Can you talk about it without blaming or shaming the other?<br /><br />From what you have described it sounds like there could be an unhealthy focus on sex within your marriage. Because it's about intimacy with one another, not merely the act of sex. The focus should be on meeting the needs of your spouse, mutually. God glorifying intimacy is an expression of your love for the other person, not merely a means to release.<br /><br />Do you know if your husband struggles with pornography or masterbation? How is he "releasing" if not with you? The answers to these questions could reveal a deeper issue going on within the marriage.<br /><br />If you would like to discuss this further in a private setting, please feel free to email me at lightmeetdark@gmail.com.<br /><br />Thank you for your heartfelt comment! You are not alone in this struggle. I believe this to be a common issue in marriage!Light in the Darknesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12393804032504869325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-3267737572473460062013-05-22T09:17:14.796-04:002013-05-22T09:17:14.796-04:00Thanks for your honesty in this blog post. I have...Thanks for your honesty in this blog post. I have to say that my husband and I are really struggling with sexual issues. Having done "sex" the way the church teaches, has only led to more distance in our marriage and some resentment and bitterness. Although I understand the Bible's clear instruction on sex in marriage, it has become clear to me, over 17yrs of marriage, that when all your husband's actions and reactions are based on whether he "got some" or not, sex has been elevated to an unhealthy position of deity in the relationship.<br />And although you say that BOTH need to be on board for a time of abstinence, I don't believe that continuing to give sex, in this unhealthy patterns, will be God honoring....my husband is not committed to identifying the spiritual problem we are facing. He's only committed to proving me sinful, because I'm "withholding" what is rightfully his.....but it has become his god. Everything he does, and every interaction with me is to get sex or he is bitter towards me when he didn't get it the way he thought he should, or didn't get it at all.....<br />The cycle must be broken and he is not on board to break it with me....but I can't continue in this unhealthy patterns that has been repeating itself throughout our whole married life.......Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-87951313189654047192013-05-15T22:16:05.768-04:002013-05-15T22:16:05.768-04:00Statistically it has been proven that marriages be...Statistically it has been proven that marriages between people who have practiced abstinence have a lower divorce rate. Sex is not the foundation of the marriage although it is a very essential part of the bond between husband and wife. Avoid choosing your mate based on their sexual performance over other characteristics such as shared values, goals and companionship.<br /><a href="http://benefitof.net/benefits-of-abstinence/" rel="nofollow">benefits of abstinence</a>Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13548710848716204276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-60101077855618175352013-04-10T17:12:44.108-04:002013-04-10T17:12:44.108-04:00decided to book mark this post while I could still...decided to book mark this post while I could still find my way back :-) The counseling we attended is done by Michael Cusick, their ministry is called "Restoring the Soul" their website is restoringthesoul.com We attended thinking it was more of a "tune up" in our relationship rather than crisis mode. What a powerful, life changing week it was. Lots of wisdom/ lots of hope. DMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-4664791883258582462013-04-10T16:45:22.733-04:002013-04-10T16:45:22.733-04:00Thank you for your encouraging comment! I am glad ...Thank you for your encouraging comment! I am glad you found it helpful. I'm curious what intense counseling you received. I know Harry Schaumberg offers something like that (in fact someone who attended it wrote a guest post about it here on my blog).Light in the Darknesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12393804032504869325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1974469070193311018.post-35337310315217609592013-04-10T15:19:49.107-04:002013-04-10T15:19:49.107-04:00Thank you for this post. My wife and I just retur...Thank you for this post. My wife and I just returned from a week of intense Christian marriage counseling @ one of the "assignments" was this same decision to abstain for a season. We both entered into this decision with both eyes open for many of the same reasons the two of you did. I decided to get on line and see if anything had ever been written about it/ and came across your blog post. I have not read any of your other posts but really REALLY appreciate sharing this most personal detail of your lives. Thank you! DM Not sure I'll be able to find my way back to your blog, but going to print off a copy of this post for my personal journal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com